Forbidden Fruit
by Nerwen Aldarion
Summary: AU: Jane and Lisbon met in San Francisco and had a brief affair. Now six years later they meet up again at the CBI and are still facing the consequences of their actions. Eventual Jisbon
1. Original Sin

Disclaimer: I don't own anything

A/N: I didn't want to post this fic. In fact I never intended to post this fic. But you can blame my friend JaneDoe51 for hounding me until I did. This has been finished for a long time but I never had the courage to post it. Why? Because of the subject matter.

I'll explain: A while ago I read the book Heart of the Matter which gave me a different perspective on extramarital's affairs, specifically because it portrayed both sides and how it happened. We didn't get just the wronged wife fighting back or the mistress being conniving...rather we got to see how it might happen to regular people. WEll I've always wondered about Jane's marriage and never wanted to put it on a pedestal like some do, so the idea of him possibly being unfaithful intrigued me. Toss in Lisbon's shady dealings with Bosco and well...you have this.

I'll make one thing clear. I am in no way condoning affairs or trying to romanticize them, this is going to show how many people are hurt by them but most of all the people who make those mistakes. But I also don't want to villainize the ones who make them, they are human, they can do bad things...but they can be forgiven as well.

* * *

><p>Forbidden Fruit<p>

Chapter 1: The Original Sin

…_but you must not eat from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, for when you eat from it you will certainly die." Genesis 2:17_

_I know you're not mine, only borrowed_

_Cause you already belong to her, at least you said so_

_But I'm starting to believe it ain't the whole truth_

_As we're lying side by side, I get the whole you_

_I Wanna hold out, but gotta hold on,_

_Even though I know it's wrong_

_Cause I don't want to give you back_

_I don't want to give you back_

_You're the best I'll never have_

_So I don't want to give you back_

_But you're borrowed_

_ Borrowed- LeAnn Rimes_

* * *

><p>"Where is my daddy?"<p>

The question wasn't out of the blue; in fact it fit the subject they had just been talking about. His friend Daniel's father had been on a campout with his two children and Daniel had been talking about it earlier, now Zachary was going on and on about s'mores and bugs and sleeping outside. None of which really appealed to his mother…but did appeal to most fathers.

So it shouldn't have been surprising…but it was.

Lisbon had been in the middle of making her son a grilled cheese sandwich but her spatula stopped before she could flip the bread. She froze, staring at her stove but not really seeing it. All she could hear was her son's question. _"Where is my daddy?" "Where is my daddy?" "Where is my daddy?"_

"Mommy you are burning it!"

She looked down at her work. "Oh I'm sorry," she said, quickly flipping the slightly overdone sandwich onto the plate and cutting the crust off expertly before cutting it into neat fourths. Maybe if she just got him eating he would be off the subject of daddies.

No such luck.

After taking a big bite of his sandwich, Zachary turned his green eyes up at his mother. "Where is my daddy?"

Lisbon turned back to her stove, grabbing the pan and putting it into the sink so she could scrub it clean. "Mommy?"

She felt like crying. This question was hard, too hard, for so many reasons. How could she explain to Zachary the complications that surrounded his conception and the worst mistake she'd ever made in her entire life? Not him, no, her son wasn't a mistake. Everything else had been though.

Images flashed in her mind. Standing in the precinct wearing a coffee stained blouse when he walked in. That rainstorm where she first realized she was feeling something she really shouldn't. The fight in the hallway that led to the most intense kiss of her life. Lying in bed with him wondering why something so very wrong could feel so good.

The guilt followed, the agonizing time where she became one of those women who tried to justify her choices. She waited for the phone calls; the clandestine hookups that made her feel alive and dirty all at the same time. Finally came the time where she realized what a sham she was now and the moment where she saw once and for all that the man she had broken all of her promises for…was not worth it all. So she'd somehow gathered her strength and walked away…

But not without keeping something with her.

"Mommy?"

Lisbon turned around and put on a fake smile. "I heard you, baby I was just thinking." She sighed and walked over to her son, running her fingers through his thick blonde curls and leaning in to kiss his head. "Your daddy is…he's somewhere else."

"Where?"

"Uh…I'm not really sure," she admitted, it was the truth now. It hadn't been about six months ago.

Zachary set his sandwich down and gave her a very serious look on his young face. "What happened?"

She took in a deep breath and came up with the best explanation she could think of that was still the truth. "I met your daddy in San Francisco, we worked together and we…we came to care about each other. But things didn't work out and he had to leave and…and he doesn't know about you." She gave him a sweet smile, brushing his hair away from his eyes. "But if he did I'm sure he would love you so very much."

That was the closest she'd ever come to a lie.

But it did seem to make Zachary feel better. "What is his name?"

"Patrick," Lisbon told him, "his name is Patrick."

"Will he ever come back?"

She sucked in a heavy breath but didn't release it. Finally she shook her head. "No, I don't think he will."

"Why not?"

God this was so hard. "Because your daddy has a life that keeps him away from us…and I don't see how that will ever work with you and me. I wish things were different but…but I'm sorry, Zach."

Zachary's eyes were sad but he still gave her a smile. "It's all right, Mommy."

Lisbon leaned in to give her boy a big hug. "I'm trying, baby. I'm trying to be all that you need."

"I love you, Mommy."

She sighed, closing her eyes and breathing in her son's scent. "I love you too, Zachary."

Yes, she'd made a terrible mistake long ago but God must not hate her too much, not when he gave her a beautiful boy from it all.

* * *

><p>The workday was progressing as normal; Lisbon was stuck at her desk trying to work on her paperwork in the little claustrophobic offices of the CBI. She kept hearing about changes to the layout of the bullpen but it hadn't happened yet. She'd believe it when she saw it.<p>

Then Rigsby came to her desk with the bombshell she never thought would happen.

"Boss," he whispered leaning over his desk, "a man is here to see you about the Red John case. He says his name is Patrick Jane."

Her pen froze in mid-stroke and she tried to remember to breathe.

_"Where is my daddy?"_

Finally she managed to look up and gape at Rigsby. "Patrick Jane…are you sure?"

"Yeah," Rigsby nodded. "His wife and daughter were killed…about a year ago?"

"Yeah…he's been off the radar," Lisbon admitted, "SACPD lost track of him six months ago."

She turned her head to see if he really was there.

And so he was.

He looked absolutely terrible. Gone were the pristine suits and ties she'd always seen him in…except when he hadn't worn anything. Now his clothing was worn and tired, like he'd slept in it for many nights. His hair was a mess and his face was…lost.

There was no trace of the man she'd known before.

"You ever meet him?" Rigsby asked innocently.

If he'd been looking into her eyes he might have seen that she was pale, that her eyes were wide and she was very close to freaking out.

Finally she lied. "No."

_"Will he ever come back?"_

_ "No, I don't think he will."_

She had no idea that just the day before she had lied to her son.

Oh God what if he had found out? What if somehow someone they both knew (though she couldn't think of any) saw that she'd had a son with his blonde hair and impish smile? Maybe he was here ready to take her son away from her. "Did he say why he was here?"

Rigsby shrugged. "He said he wanted to talk to the head of the unit."

That didn't do much to resolve her feelings except it gave her hope that maybe he didn't know that _she_ was the head of the unit.

Hannigan came up with news of a case and Lisbon was tempted to go with him and avoid Patrick Jane all together but she also knew that this wasn't something she could run from. Whatever reason he was here had to be something important…and he wasn't going to go away. So she had Rigsby go with Hannigan and she waited for them to leave before finally confronting her own demons.

For a few moments she waited, trying to work up the courage to stand up from her desk and face him. Eventually she was prodded to stand up and see him. She saw that he was completely lost in his thoughts, clearly losing a very dark battle with depression. Not surprising since his wife and daughter were killed but still startling since it was such a stark contrast to the man he was before.

Finally he saw her and time seemed to literally stop.

All they did was stare at each other; his eyes were wide with shock and filled with guilt. She did what she could to remain absolutely firm and calm. There was no need for introductions, they both knew who the other was. She just didn't know the real reason why he was here.

"You're the head of the Red John task force," Jane spoke, his voice stammered a little. It was soft with pain and emotion.

Lisbon nodded. "I was hired by the CBI three years ago," she explained, "my team took over the Red John case in May."

Jane stared at her again for a moment and then a breath of air escaped his lips, almost like a chuckle and he shook his head…but he didn't smile. "I don't know what this is. Karma, fate, or am I facing more of my sins?"

She crossed her arms over her chest and glared at him. "This isn't about what you and I did six years ago. This is my job, my life, I'm not going to apologize if that makes you feel bad."

To her surprise he really did look chastened and guilty. His eyes were so sad when he looked at her that Lisbon actually felt bad for snapping at him. "I'm sorry," Jane told her gently, "I am sorry for what we did…for what I made you do…and how things ended."

His apology was sincere, something she never really thought she would hear from him. It really wasn't enough but Lisbon couldn't work up the same anger she felt just a few seconds before. Instead she had the unshakeable urge to try and comfort him. "Why are you here?"

"I want to know what is going on with the Red John investigation."

She almost felt relieved. He didn't know about Zachary and wasn't here to take her son away. He wasn't here for her or anything like that; he was just like every grieving family member of victims…he wanted to know how close they were to catching him.

"That's a really big question," Lisbon admitted, "And I don't really have the time right now to really give you what you want, another case has come in. Could you come back at another time?

He didn't like that answer but was gracious enough to recognize that she was a busy woman. "Yeah, well I can wait. I'll wait."

Now she felt like she was talking to her son when he wanted to do something he couldn't. "That's not really practical. We don't have a waiting area for guests."

"I can just sit right there," Jane said forlornly, pointing at a nearby empty chair.

He looked like a lost puppy…or like her son trying desperately to convince her to let him go to the park in the rain. She was tempted but there was no way she was going to give into this. For one…he might see the pictures of her son on her desk and put two and two together.

"I'm sorry, it's policy," she told him, grateful for that truth.

He studied her for a moment and she was scared that maybe he was seeing something that he shouldn't. That is what he did after all. "Okay…policy."

She nodded. "Call, make an appointment and we will talk as soon as possible." After she figured out how to keep him from finding about her little secret. "I'm afraid I have to go."

"Yeah, no problem." He said, moving past her. "I'm just going to wait outside."

"Patrick…" she said his name for the first time. The familiar word slipping past her lips before she could stop herself. She shouldn't have said it…she was supposed to be formal.

But he didn't seem to notice…or if he did then he didn't care. "No, it's okay. It's a nice day, I'll take a walk." He met her eyes again. "If I come back in three hours, will that be okay."

Not really but Lisbon had a feeling he wasn't going to take no for an answer. "Sure," she said slightly over enthusiastic. "Hey, Steve?"

"Yeah?" Hannigan said, obviously not paying any attention. That was a good thing.

"Will you help _Mr. Jane_ find his way out of the building?" She made a point of using his formal address, there was no calling him 'Patrick' anymore."

Her agent didn't look happy about it but he did stand up and follow his boss's orders. She waited for the two men to leave before she breathed a sigh of relief. Then Lisbon jumped into action, rushing over to her desk and quickly throwing everything she had of her son into the deep bottom drawer. The photographs, drawings and small little toys, even the clay handprint she used as a paperweight. In three minutes the desk was bare of any proof that she had a child.

She felt a little better as she made her way out of the bullpen, intent on getting to her car and heading out to the new scene.

Just in time to watch Hannigan punch Patrick Jane.

Rather than feel smug over the fact that the man she had cursed at least once a day for the past six years was now bleeding, she felt mostly horror over the situation. An agent punching out a civilian was always bad…punching out the family of a Red John victim was infinitely worse. No matter how much of a jackass he had been in the past.

"What the hell are you doing Hannigan?" She asked, gaping at the whole scene.

"Boss…"

"I told you to take him downstairs! Not beat him up!" That was her job…at least it had been once.

At least her agent looked somewhat chastened. "Sorry okay, I'm sorry. I…I lost it."

No shit.

And for some reason, Jane was playing the martyr. That was weird. "No, no. It's fine. It's fine. My fault, my fault entirely. I provoked you, I'm sorry."

Lisbon was honestly disgusted with both of them, Hannigan more though. "God, Hannigan. Get him some ice."

She was kneeling on the ground checking on Jane while Hannigan hurried to carry out her order. "I'm okay, I'm okay. Seriously…it's not his fault, I deserved it. Okay?"

Lisbon shook her head. "You deserve a lot of things but he is supposed to act like a professional law officer at all times. So let's get you some ice."

She led him down the hall towards the bullpen once more so she could sit him down but Jane obviously still had his old charm somewhere deep inside. "Admit it, you enjoyed that."

"Absolutely not," Lisbon stated truthfully. "If anyone deserved to punch you, it was me."

And for the first time in six years she got to see Patrick Jane's infamous grin.

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After getting Jane an icepack and some tissues for his bleeding nose, Lisbon had to sit with her boss Minelli over the latest incident involving her team. She liked Minelli, she respected him after he'd given her a chance and made her a team leader when she was still little more than an unproven San Francisco detective. More than that he had been so sweet to her son, letting her bring Zachary to the CBI sometimes and even watching him for an afternoon when she'd been called in unexpectedly.

She briefly wondered what he would think if he knew that Zachary's father was currently pressing an icepack against his face.

"How'd it happen?" Minelli asked.

For a second she actually thought he was asking about her and Jane. It took her a minute to realize he was really talking about the fact that one of her agents had punched him.

"Hannigan said he was provoked, Mr. Jane agrees, he says it's all his fault." Lisbon believed that, Jane had a way with people that brought out the worst in them. He certainly had with her.

Minelli looked surprised and pleased by that. "Decent of him." Of course the situation wasn't lost on him. "Cop with a history attacks a murder victim's grieving spouse. Excellent."

Yeah it almost sounded as bad as 'Cop sleeps with said murder victim's spouse when victim was still alive…and bore said spouse's child'. What would Minelli say to that? Probably a sarcastic remark about the shitstorm she had caused.

"I'm sorry, boss," she said standing up from her desk so she could check on Jane herself with her own eyes. "I hope we can find a way to make this right without being too harsh on Hannigan, he's a good guy. He's just a little too old school." That was Teresa Lisbon…defender of them all. "Mr. Jane says he won't press charges," she continued, that would make him happy.

"Let's hope Mr. Jane remains amiable when he wakes up in the morning with a pounding headache and time to think." Now Minelli stood up and looked at her. "We must find a way to make him happy."

Why did she have a bad feeling about that?

She followed her boss over to where Jane was sitting, icepack still pressed against his nose. He didn't turn around until Minelli began softly. "Mr. Jane?" He tried to stand up but Minelli was being _very_ generous, he could kiss ass when he wanted to. "No, no, no sit," he urged Jane to sit back down and somehow wound up holding on to the icepack in the process. They both pulled up chairs while Minelli began his apologies. "I'm terribly sorry about all of this, I understand that Agent Hannigan has apologized."

Jane caught her eyes and Lisbon really began to wonder what exactly was going on here. "Uh, yes he did."

"Well that's been of some help."

But Jane shrugged a little. "Umm I…I came here to find out about Red John." Now she was really suspicious…what did this have to do with Hannigan?"

"Yes, Agent Lisbon told me. I understand your concern. Red John is one of the most difficult cases we've faced," Minelli told him honestly. He stared at Jane for a minute before turning to look at her. "How many victims, Lisbon?"

"Ten," Jane answered, startling both of them. "So far."

A chill went through her, not many cops knew that information off of the top of their heads. "Yes," she confirmed, hiding her own feelings on this.

"Catching him is our top priority," he looked back at her again. "How many interviews has your team done?"

"Over a hundred," she admitted, "we're also reanalyzing all of the physical evidence that SACPD gathered. We're sharing some of that with the FBI. We're pursuing a lot of different leads. We haven't had a break yet but as soon as we get one, we'll let you know."

Most people would have accepted that and been satisfied. But not Jane. "What are the leads? Where are they leading?" They both stared at him; surprised he was being so persistent. "Do you have any suspects?"

"We can't give out details of the investigation," she told him.

Jane made his own inferences. "You don't have any suspects."

Now she wanted to hit him again…even if he was technically right. "It is a complicated investigation," Lisbon defended herself, "and yes, slow. But everything that can be done is being done."

Minelli was studying Jane though. "I'll tell you what, Mr. Jane. My people have to get back to work now. A long drive ahead of them. But if you don't mind waiting here, when Agent Lisbon returns I'm sure she'll be very happy to show you the files and explain the case to you."

As happy as getting a root canal. But she forced a smile as if her boss was telling her the truth.

But Jane had other ideas. "Is it in the country?" What? "A long drive ahead, is it in the country?"

Then her boss said the last thing she ever thought he would.

"Would you like to go along?" She couldn't hide the shocked look on her face but her boss kept right on going. "Even better, ride along with Lisbon. She can answer any questions you may have along the way."

What the hell was he thinking?

Now Jane looked happy. "I'd like that."

Minelli grinned looking pleased with himself. "Very well then, Mr. Jane, Agent Lisbon. I'll let you get on with your work."

Lisbon wasn't so quick to agree. She stood up and followed her boss, leaving Jane at the table. "Boss!" Minelli stopped in the hallway so she could catch up. "You cannot seriously be asking me to bring a civilian onto an active crime scene."

"I want to do everything we can to keep Mr. Jane from suing our ass."

"I'm aware of that but…but this isn't protocol and I can't guarantee his safety if he gets out of line."

"Who says he'll do that?" Shit, she'd said too much. Minelli looked at her suspiciously. "Am I missing something, Lisbon?"

Okay, it was confession time. Not soul bearing confession time but just enough to give him a taste. "I…I worked with Patrick Jane once when I was in San Francisco."

Minelli raised an eyebrow. "You never mentioned that."

"It was never relevant," Lisbon explained, "the truth is that he doesn't follow orders, he gets into trouble and is a general pain in the ass."

He leaned over to look back at Jane who was sitting slouched in the chair…like a defeated man. "That man?"

"He's different now," Lisbon admitted, "He was more…confident before his family was killed."

"Well if he has changed so much then it shouldn't be a problem…unless there is another reason."

He stared hard at her and Lisbon could only stare right back and pray to God that Minelli hadn't noticed how much Jane resembled her son. Slowly she shook her head. "No, sir."

"Good, then give Mr. Jane what he wants and then he'll be out of your hair. I know this is inconvenient but I appreciate your professionalism."

Professionalism. Right…she was just Patrick Jane's ex-mistress, that was all.

Lisbon watched Minelli leave feeling like she'd just lost a major battle. Then she turned on her heel and marched over to Jane. "Hannigan is bringing the car around, if you are coming then you need to get ready."

"I'm fine."

"Good," she said before turning back around and heading to the elevator. Jane followed calmly and soon enough they were standing together…waiting alone for the elevator to come. It was all far too familiar and there was no stopping the color from rising in her cheeks. She turned an accusing eye to him. "You did this on purpose didn't you?"

"Hmm?"

"Pissing off Hannigan."

"You think I wanted to be punched?"

"I think you wanted to have Minelli owe you one so you could get what you want. What I want to know is what it is." She told him as the doors opened and they both stepped inside the empty lift.

For a long moment they both stood there awkwardly as she tried not to remember that time this very man had pressed her up against the wall of another elevator and done things that could only be seen in films like _9 ½ Weeks_. Her heart was pounding now, she wasn't sure if it was fear that she would lose whatever life she'd managed to make for herself or if it was from reliving those sensual memories…probably both.

"Patrick, please do not tell anyone about what happened between us," Lisbon begged softly, "I do not want anyone here to know."

To her surprise Jane looked her right in the eye and she saw oceans of pain and grief in his gaze. "I would never do that to you, Teresa. The last thing I want is to relive the things that I regret most."

It shouldn't have hurt but it did. Yes she regretted sleeping with a married man but…but she couldn't either because of her son. But he did, he truly hated himself for those actions.

Somehow she wasn't convinced that telling him about Zachary would change that.

What did that say about her?

* * *

><p>Home was a small townhouse in eastern Sacramento with rows of cookie cutter homes and a small park set in the middle of it. The park was the big draw that sealed the deal with Lisbon and in the summer Zachary spent more time there then in his house. She made it home in time this night to relieve her part time nanny early so she could make her son dinner, baked chicken nuggets with string beans.<p>

Zachary was so happy to have his mother home; he was busy chattering about his big day in kindergarten and his best friend Daniel who was still going on about his new puppy. She'd have to arrange for Zach to spend a few hours at Daniel's house this weekend or she'd never hear the end of it.

"Are you okay, Mommy?"

Lisbon was pulled out of her haze by her son's innocent question. "What?"

"You're not talking," he pointed out. Zachary was so smart and perceptive, no small wonder where that had come from. The man who was responsible for half of his genes had given her a perfect example just that afternoon.

She sighed and gave her son a fake smile. "I'm fine, sweetie. Just tired, I had a long day and you know how it's hard on Mommy sometimes."

Zachary studied her for a long time but he decided to accept her answer. She smiled again, tousling his hair. "Eat up, you can have a little ice cream for dessert."

Ice cream, the best distraction she knew of and it worked like a charm.

Chocolate ice cream, a quick bath and one story later and her son was fast asleep in his little bed and Lisbon took the time to admire him. His curly blonde hair was wild against his red pillowcase; he had a toy airplane tucked in beside him that could not be comfortable. Lisbon reached over to gently take the toy out from under his arm and put it beside the bed. She leaned over to kiss him gently on the temple before turning out the light and leaving her son to sleep.

She made her way downstairs and found her cell phone on the kitchen counter. The first thing she did was dial her brother's number.

James was the only one of her three brothers that really knew the whole story about her and Zachary's father. It wasn't because she trusted him more but simply a matter of chance, he'd stopped by her apartment six years ago and stumbled upon her and Jane, thankfully while they were still fully dressed. He'd had more than a few choice words about her decision to have an affair with a married man and then when she'd become a desperate mistress, the angrier he had become. He'd cheered the day she told him that it was over between her and Jane. He'd nearly jumped on a plane to kill him the day she told James that she was pregnant.

He'd been the one to convince her that cutting Jane out of her life permanently was the best decision…and that meant not telling him about the baby. He'd also been the one to come down and be there in those final weeks of her pregnancy and hold her hand as she gave birth to her son. So she knew that now he was the first one she had to call with the news…and the more the phone rang the more freaked out she became until when he finally answered she just blurted it out. "He's here in Sacramento!"

"What?"

"He's here. He was at the CBI. He talked to me…in front of my boss. He's coming back tomorrow."

"Reese, who the hell are you talking about?"

"Patrick Jane, Zachary's father, the man I was stupid enough to have sex with six years ago!"

She heard James gasp and then exclaim. "He's there?"

"Yes! That is exactly what I was saying."

"What the hell is he doing there?"

Lisbon flopped down on the couch, the phone still pressed to her ear. She hadn't told James everything, not what had happened the previous year. "Last year Red John killed his wife and daughter."

"What?"

"I didn't have the case then so I just saw it on the news. I didn't think you needed to know about that…because I didn't think it really concerned any of us. I hadn't seen him in years after all."

James took in a deep breath and let it out. "Then why is he there? Why did he come to see you?"

"He didn't come to see _me_," Lisbon corrected him, "He came to see the head of the Red John task force which just happens to be me."

"This is crazy!"

"I know it is," she replied, "I mean…I moved away from San Francisco. I took another job and somehow the forces of the universe get me back into the same room as him."

James breathed heavily for a while, she knew he was mad. He hated Jane for a lot of reasons and she couldn't blame him really, even if she'd been the one making those mistakes as well. "What did he want?"

"He wanted information on the Red John case," Lisbon explained, "that was all."

"What about Zachary?"

"He still doesn't know about him as far as I can tell."

He sighed in relief. "Good, that's good."

Lisbon bit her lip and looked down at her lap. "Is it?"

"What are you thinking, Teresa?"

"James…he's devastated. He lost his family…"

"He betrayed that family!"

"I know that, nothing has made me forget that but do you really think him cheating with me means he deserved to have his child killed?"

"That doesn't mean he should know about Zachary."

"But…but it might make him better," Lisbon wondered aloud, "maybe he needs something to make him happy again."

"You don't know that," James pointed out, "he could hurt you and your son _again._ You knew who he was before, do you really believe that man is gone?"

She shook her head. "I don't know…maybe the Patrick Jane I met six years ago was the real man…or maybe this sad broken one is. I just…I don't know."

"Are you willing to bet your son's happiness on that?"

Lisbon thought about it for a long time, seeing the wisdom in her brother's words. "No, you're right. It's better for Zachary if I keep them apart. He's so broken…he might not even want anything to do with his son anyways."

"Exactly," James said, even though she knew he didn't mean it. He didn't care how broken Jane was as long as Lisbon was still determined to stay away from him. "If you see him again, just tell him to leave."

"I can't do that."

"What?"

"One of my agents hit him and my boss told me to make nice, that means tomorrow morning I have to give him the Red John files and let him look through them," Lisbon explained.

"What the hell?"

"I don't have a choice, I'm following orders."

"This is bull shit! You shouldn't have to do this, not with him!"

"Minelli doesn't know that I was stupid and slept with Patrick," Lisbon reminded him, "I'd prefer it if I didn't have to tell him so I'm going to do as he asks and wait for Patrick to leave my life again."

James was quiet for a moment, his voice low with anger. "I don't like this. I don't like that he is there, with you, _again_."

"I know," Lisbon said softly, "neither do I."

It was the truth. She was scared because she had a bad feeling…a feeling that this was just the start of another crazy mess that she won't be able to fix.

* * *

><p>That night it took a very long time for Lisbon to fall asleep, she kept fretting over what would happen tomorrow when she saw Jane again. She also questioned her choices more than once. There was nothing she could do about her choices six years ago, she'd made the decision to sleep with a married man and she'd had to reap the consequences of it. But there was something she could do now…she could tell him about Zachary.<p>

No it wouldn't give him the past five years back but it would mean her son would finally have a father figure in his life. But that was only if he actually wanted to be in her son's life. She had struggled with this same choice six years before and it was James who had reminded her that Jane was married, that meant he almost certainly didn't want or need a child from another woman other than his wife. He might cut her off completely…or demand she have an abortion.

Things were different now though. His family was gone; the arrogant narcissistic jackass seemed to be gone too…maybe.

Of course that didn't mean he wanted to be a father again either. He had dismissed the idea of him moving on and starting a new life. He'd looked at her with eyes haunted with grief, despair and far too much guilt than normal. The way he'd talk about their affair…Lisbon wondered if just being around her was too painful for him, a reminder of the terrible thing he did to the woman who was his wife and was now gone. What would the knowledge that a child born from that sinful union between them do to him?

So she was leaning towards going with her brother's opinion and keeping Jane in the dark, he would probably be out of her life tomorrow and she didn't need him to upset the apple cart anymore than he already had.

Sleep finally came and with it came dreams.

Lisbon had had those dreams so many times over the past few years. Anytime it rained she would be back on that street, right by the car, staring at him while he stared back. He'd looked even sexier wet, if that was even possible, and his eyes had been darker with the storm and desire.

But tonight it was a myriad of images.

_He pressed her up against the elevator wall, hands roaming along her sides until they found her hips and she was lifted up so she could wrap her legs around his waist…and feel how much he really wanted this. She didn't even care that she was about to have sex with Muzak piping over the outdated sound system…_

_ The sheets were cool against her hot skin while Patrick slowly pulled her panties down over her legs, his eyes never leaving hers for a second. He let his fingertips glide over her ankles, her calves and finally her thighs. She shook with ecstasy as he leaned forward to taste her at the one part that was aching for him…_

_ She didn't know what was wrong with her! How could she be so angry and so turned on by one person? The fight had been loud and vicious; she'd even shoved him several times on the sidewalk with only one old homeless man watching. He shouldn't have followed her up the stairwell and stopped her halfway to her apartment…he definitely shouldn't have kissed her like that. Now she was bent over the banister, her panties at her ankles while he pounded into her, so deep she could practically taste him on her tongue. If anyone entering the stairwell would hear her cries but she didn't care…not much. But she had to stop…she has to stop…so why couldn't she stop?_

Lisbon woke up, covered in sweat and a hot sticky wetness between her thighs. She took a few deep breaths before getting out of the bed and heading to her bathroom so she could strip out of her damp clothes and now useless underwear and put on something else. Actually a shower might not be a bad idea if it would help wash off the residual effects of her dreams.

The hot shower spray felt good on her skin but Lisbon didn't do more than just stand there and let the water wash over her. She wasn't able to stop herself from remembering those times when she'd let Patrick join her, how his skin had tasted so good wet.

She shivered, even in the steam and grabbed the body wash so she could focus on getting herself clean and not on Patrick Jane hoisting her up against a shower wall to have wet and wild sex. So Lisbon finished with her quick shower before grabbing a towel from the rack and wrapping herself up in the slightly faded cotton.

Lisbon ran a brush through her hair and stared at the mirror, the steam starting to fade to make her reflection visible. Her mind was wandering again but it wasn't the distant past but rather the more recent present.

It had felt so strange to have Patrick Jane show up again, out of the blue and at her job. Just like before when he'd walked into her life so unsuspecting, there was no hint that he would leave such an indelible mark on her life. That he would change everything forever.

That was what scared her now.

What if he did it again?

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_Six Years Ago_

_ She never should have worn this light blue blouse. Light colors just begged to have coffee spilled on them which she had done when she'd had to slam on her breaks behind a gold Volvo that had tried to make it before the yellow light turned red. She'd managed to get most of it off with a little bit of water but it would have to be thrown into the wash with the rest of her piles of dirty laundry. _

_ "Hey, Lisbon, check out the suit!"_

_ Lisbon turned at the sound of her team members, Detective Bobby Gendry's voice. Sure enough there was an incredibly handsome man in a suit that probably cost as much as she made in a year, talking to the captain. She studied the man's blonde hair, neatly slicked over and his perfect attire, wondering why she found someone so cleanly cut up to also be so very attractive. She hated suits, always had._

_ "He's probably some big wig or another lawyer," She told him dismissively but she didn't really believe that. A politician or wealthy patron wouldn't come down to the precinct... and a lawyer would never look so at ease._

_ "What do you think he is here for?" the other detective on the team asked. He was Hank Perry, the rookie of the group while Gendry was actually ten years her senior. Gendry was divorced, had high blood pressure and was probably two years away from a heart attack with as much bacon and grease he ate. Perry was the neat freak that she was tempted to empty the trashcan on his desk just to watch him freak out sometimes…but they were both damn good cops._

_ And after leaving Boscoe's team, she needed good men with her._

_ Lisbon shrugged. "Probably filing a complaint or asking the captain for a favor. It doesn't concern us."_

_ That was who Detective Lisbon was; she was concerned about keeping her nose clean and doing her job right. What some Adonis in a suit wanted with her boss had nothing to do with her._

_ Still she kept peeking up from her reports, curiosity getting the best of her over why this man was here. It only got worse when her captain stepped out of his office and headed straight for her desk…with the visitor following him._

_ "Detective Lisbon, this is Patrick Jane," Captain Michaels told her, "Lisbon's team is working the Bradley investigation and Mr. Jane here has offered his assistance."_

_ "Assistance?" Lisbon questioned as she reached over to shake Mr. Jane's hand. God help her he was even more beautiful up close…and she hadn't washed her hair last night and was wearing a coffee stained blouse! But it didn't matter how good-looking he was, she wasn't sure if she liked the idea of a civilian following her around._

_ From the slightly uncomfortable way her Captain was looking at her, she thought she had a reason to be concerned._

_ "Mr. Jane here is a psychic and has graciously offered to help."_

_ "He offered to help?" Lisbon asked dubiously, she never knew anyone in an expensive suit to offer anything except a lawsuit._

_ But Patrick Jane just flashed her an amazing smile. "It is my way of giving back to the community Detective Lisbon."_

_ She had to remember to breathe while looking into his handsome face. Dear God that man's smile was like a narcotic. If she wasn't careful she would just start staring at him like a helpless teenager, begging him to smile at her again. It took a moment for Lisbon to get herself out of her stupor and somehow she had a feeling that she hadn't succeeded in hiding the effect Patrick Jane had on her, not with that devilish glint in his eye._

_ "Uhh, I'm very grateful for the offer but I admit I am confused. How did you become aware of the investigation?"_

_ "Lena Bradely's aunt is one of my clients," he explained smoothly, "she asked if it was possible for me to connect with Lena and help find the man who killed her."_

_ She raised an eyebrow. "You spoke to Lena?" She said this doubtfully, yes she was a spiritual person but talking to dead people only happened in M. Night Shyamalan movies._

_ "I had a connection with her, yes."_

_ Lisbon gave him a tight smile. "I don't suppose she gave you a name?"_

_ "I'm afraid it doesn't work that way."_

_ "I didn't think so."_

_ Patrick Jane smiled at her again, sending her heart racing once more. "It's all right to be skeptical, Detective. But I'm certain I can be of use in this investigation."_

_ "Wonderful," her captain interrupted the exchange with too-big smile. "I'm certain Detective Lisbon is grateful for your help and is more than willing to cooperate with you. I'll let her catch you up on the case."_

_ He made his way back to his office but Lisbon was quick on his heels. "Sir," she said, as soon as the door shut behind them. "You cannot be serious about this."_

_ "You are questioning my orders?"_

_ "You are putting a _psychic_ on my team?" Lisbon asked, "This isn't television, psychics don't exist except on morning talk shows."_

_ She was afraid the captain might be angry with her for her blatant disregard for his command but he actually looked tired and haggard. "Detective, do you know who Claire Richards is?"_

_ Lisbon shook her head, trying to place the name but she came up empty. "Claire Richards is the wife of Senator Richards, the senator who is currently in Washington and running for reelection next year. She also happens to be Lena Bradley's aunt."_

_ A sinking feeling filled her stomach. Now Lisbon understood what was going on. "And the commissioner is getting pressure to let this 'psychic' work the case."_

_ "I'm trying to keep everyone happy," her Captain explained. "If that means letting Patrick Jane see our case file then that is what it will have to be." She looked chagrined and her captain noticed. "It might not be so bad. He's done some good work with the Malibu PD; he's even helped SACPD once or twice. Everyone says he offered valuable insight."_

_ Lisbon knew when something was being left out. "What else did they say?"_

_ He sighed again. "That he is a little reckless and hard to handle." Lisbon gaped at him and threw her hands up in the air, just what she needed, an overgrown child. "I'm quite certain you can manage him."_

_ Lisbon knew when she was being dismissed and she was also a professional. She could suck it up and deal with an unwanted addition to her team for a few days. Now if he used crystal balls and séances then she might just shoot him._

_ She stepped back into the bullpen to see that the man in question was chatting with her team good-naturedly. Three minutes and it was already like they were best friends, that was interesting, perhaps he wasn't an arrogant jackass like she was afraid of._

_ When Mr. Jane saw her he smiled again and she felt her heart flip over in her chest. He was without a doubt the most beautiful man she'd ever seen. 'Who knows,' she thought, 'he's not bad to look at by any means, this might be fun.'_

_ Then she saw the gold band on his left hand and she was a little disappointed but she chalked it up as just her typical luck. Of course he was taken, why would she even have a chance? She would just get to work, grit her teeth and solve this case._

_ After all, she wasn't going to sleep with a married man. That was one rule she would never break._

* * *

><p>Lisbon had been in for a surprise when Minelli told her he had hired Jane as a consultant for the team. She'd been forced to admit that he'd helped her solve her latest case as well as explain that Jane would probably have valuable insight into other cases as well. That was the important thing, that killers are caught and justice is served.<p>

But Minelli didn't know about her history with Jane. He didn't know that Jane was probably doing this only for a personal vendetta. She had a bad feeling that this was all going to lead down a dark road and she might be dragged along for the ride. That was all fine and good except that meant her son could get caught up in that darkness unless she was very, very careful.

Still, only she knew this and she was the final hold out on signing Jane on as a team member. The form was sitting on her desk just waiting for her signature but she kept toying with the pen instead, she was waiting for the answer to come to her, waiting to know what would be the right thing to do.

"In order for it to work you have put the pen to the paper first."

Lisbon looked up to see the devil she had been thinking about himself. He looked…better. Still wearing the same jacket, shirt and vest combination but his eyes were a little different. Haunted and in pain but there was a bit more confidence then there had been before, a bit of that charming arrogance she remembered, not a lot but enough.

"Well look who found his sense of humor," Lisbon remarked.

He gave her another small smile; not a full-blown grin but it was something. He nodded his head at the paper in front of her. "You still haven't signed it."

"No…I haven't."

"Why not?"

Lisbon looked down at the paper again, still playing with the pen. "Because I'm not so sure if it is a good idea."

Jane took a seat across from her and she was glad that she'd had the foresight to hide all of her pictures of Zachary. "Your boss signed it right away."

"Well my boss doesn't know you," Lisbon pointed out, "I do."

Jane leaned back, a knowing look on his face. "So this is about what happened with us."

"Yes…somewhat," Lisbon admitted. She met his eyes. "Don't you have a problem being here…with me?"

"No." he answered simply.

That surprised her. "Really?"

"I'm not saying that I don't remember what we did or the guilt I feel because of it but really it isn't relevant to where we are now," Jane told her.

"You really think that we can just ignore that we had an affair?"

"Yes, because you are a professional and I'm very good at putting aside my emotions."

"I'll bet you are," Lisbon said, perhaps it was a bit too bitter.

Jane's eyebrows quirked up at that comment and she saw he looked sad. "I'm sorry for what happened…what I did. But I need you to realize that I am not that same man anymore."

Lisbon stared at him, looking at this sad and terribly broken man in front of her and compared him to the man who had seduced her six years ago. "I know," she said, "I can see that. Maybe that's part of what scares me."

He looked surprised by that. "Excuse me?"

"I see how you are, I see that you are intent on finding Red John and call me crazy…but I don't think it is for anyone's benefit but your own. I think this is about revenge and if you don't get it soon…it'll turn into an obsession and that will take you down a path of darkness that scares the hell out of me." Lisbon took in a breath and let it out, "and I don't know if I can be responsible for that…I don't want to be dragged into this with you."

Jane stared at her and to her credit, he didn't refute it. Instead he seemed to be thinking about her statement carefully before looking into her eyes. "I will not let anything happen to you. I will keep you out of this. You have my word."

"I don't think you can promise that."

He sighed. "You know I am your best chance at finding Red John. Forget about rules and procedure; forget about the fact that we had an affair. That is the one fact that matters. I can do this; I can help you catch him and hundreds of other killers. Isn't that reason enough to sign that paper?"

She hated that he'd immediately cut to the chase, presenting her with the best argument that was nearly impossible to refute. He knew that in her core she was strictly a cop, she wanted justice and would do near about anything to make sure that happened. He knew she wanted to catch killers…and he was right. He was the best choice she had.

Lisbon sighed heavily and finally put pen to paper. "Will you at least _pretend_ to listen to my orders?"

"The ones I agree with."

She rolled her eyes and pressed down on the paper harder as she scrolled her name. "Why do I feel like I am selling my soul?" she muttered.

"Oh don't be dramatic," Jane replied, looking satisfied for once.

Lisbon set the paper aside and looked up at him. "One more thing…we never had an affair. We actually never met until you walked through those doors."

"You want me to lie?"

"Are you seriously going to pretend like you have a problem with _lying_?"

"No," Jane told her, "but you have to know that your terms are unnecessary. I never had any intention of bringing up what happened between us again."

"Good. Then I'll see you Monday morning," Lisbon stood up from her desk and grabbed her briefcase

"Lisbon," Jane called out, stopping her from leaving. She turned around to look at him and he was giving her a soft look. "It has been nice to see you again…as a friend."

She couldn't stop her lips from quirking up just a little. "Yeah…it kind of has." Then she made her way back to the elevator and quietly chastised herself for even being this way around him. Being nice might lead to other things which would not be a good idea at all…but she wasn't going to make those same mistakes again so really it was irrelevant.

But she knew for sure she'd made the right decision hiding Zachary from him. If he was heading down a dark path then she wanted to keep her son as far away from his as possible.

She just had no idea how she would be able to keep this up.

* * *

><p>AN: I forgot to mention, this story will get M rated, LOL eventually for now we can see how things unfold in the present and the past.


	2. Regret, Regret, Regret

Disclaimer: I own nothing

A/N: First I want to thank the multitude of reviewers who gave this fic a chance, thank you so much for putting your faith in me and being excited about where this fic is going. I hope you find it as enjoyable as I am

But I do feel the need to address a concern. Please do not tell me that Jane and Lisbon would not do that in cannon, for one, we don't know the answer to that but for another THIS IS NOT CANNON! This fic is an alternate universe that follows the idea of "what if the stars aligned in such a way so that they DID have an affair?" To the question of, is that really possible? I look to the evidence. First at Lisbon who obviously had some thing with Bosco, I do not believe she actually had an affair with him but I believe she was at the very least tempted to. In that case I ask the question, would Lisbon be even more tempted if that man were Jane? To this I have to say yes. As for Jane, I look to his behavior in Fugue in Red where he spent the whole time trying to get into the pants of any woman who crossed his path. Yes this was Jane without his family but it begs the quesiton, how much of that was him without any inhibitions and how much of it was his true nature? We know he was seduced by the wealth and power of being a fake psychic, with that comes temptation. While caught in the rush of being the smartest man in the room and focusing on his own worldly pleasures, is it possible that if a moment of weakness should arise that he could give in? To this I have to say...anything is possible and we know Jane is no saint.

I hope you guys can at least see how I came to this idea. Certainly there will be more reasons for why Lisbon and Jane did what they did, and believe it or not it wasn't just on them. Lest we forget that a strong marriage doesn't give way to an affair, there will be some cracks that will be made even more apparent later. It doesn't excuse what they did...but it does make it believable that two good people could make a terrible mistake.

* * *

><p>Chapter 2: Regret, Regret, Regret<p>

Monday was the day that Patrick Jane would officially start work at the CBI. The date needed no circling for Lisbon to remember but she knew it would be a day that would live in infamy, at least for her. Not only as the day that her life took on what would be an unusual and probably detrimental chapter in her life but the one that closed, perhaps, the single time she had with her son.

In the weeks since she had seen Jane again she had struggled with the choice to tell him about Zachary or not. She'd come close more than once the first couple of days she'd seen him but she'd hung back. She'd been overwhelmed with trying to solve the case as well as keeping everyone from finding out that she'd had an affair with this man six years before, she'd also thought that she wouldn't see him again once he got his information on the Red John case and left. But desperation had forced her hand when she'd all but begged him to help her with the case, that had led to Minelli noticing how he'd contributed and eventually Jane wound up as the newest and most unusual member of her team.

She could have said no. She could have told Minelli that she didn't want to work with him, that he was a loose cannon and probably was only using the CBI for his own gain. Then again Minelli only cared that as long as Jane closed cases, then he could use the CBI to get what information he wanted on Red John. She could understand and even agree with that idea, after all did it matter that Jane was more interested in finding the man who killed his wife and daughter as long as he actually found other killers along the way? Not really.

But if she'd told Minelli the whole story, the one that involved her and Jane carrying on a lurid affair for six months…then maybe she could have had him transferred to another team. But that might not have worked, she knew that Patrick Jane was a man who got what he wanted and he wanted to be on the team that had the Red John case. Her only option would be to give up that case but she was never going to tell her boss she wouldn't do her job.

So now she was stuck working with Jane. He'd readily agreed to keeping their past a secret, after all neither one of them was proud of their actions. But it made things trickier for her. If this was just about their affair she could just put that aside and work with him in semi-peace. But Zachary was an issue, she had Jane's son and he didn't know about him. Eventually Jane would find out, there was no getting around that fact. It was better if she told him sooner rather than later.

This was her last weekend to have Zachary all to herself. Monday she would have to sit Jane down and tell him that he was the father of a little boy and reap the consequences of him learning the truth. But right now, she just wanted to keep Zachary just _hers_ for the moment.

So she filled that weekend with everything Zachary loved, a trip to the zoo, dinner at a kids pizza place where he jumped around the play area, diving into the ball pit with abandon. And that night she even put aside her hatred for the outdoors by striking up a tent at a local campground so he could go camping. He had a blast roasting smores over the fire and chasing frogs in the lake. She didn't appreciate him bringing one into the tent, which she found out the hard way by crawling into her sleeping bag and finding out she was sharing it.

Now it was Sunday morning and she was attempting to cook bacon and eggs over a campfire. Zachary had been excited most of the weekend but now as mostly subdued, she attributed it to just being sleeping in the morning but that assumption was proven wrong.

"Mommy, what's going on?"

"I'm making breakfast," she told him cheerfully.

"But you took me camping…you don't like it," Zachary told her, "and you took me to the zoo and let me eat pizza."

"I just wanted to do something special for my little boy," Lisbon replied, already shaking her head at how obtuse she was.

"Am I dying?"

That assumption threw Lisbon for a loop. "What? No! What makes you think you are dying?"

Zachary shrugged. "Everybody does nice things when someone is dying."

Lisbon wondered how he'd heard about that. But her son was very smart and intuitive, a wonder where he got that from. He must have simply figured out that hse was making this weekend all about him and assumed the worst.

She took his hand and smiled down at him. "You're not dying," she told him calmly, "nothing is wrong with you whatsoever." But his eyes begged for an explanation and she had to find a way be careful with this. "Things are just happening with me at work, something big has happened and I wanted to have this time to you, just for me, in case things change?"

"Is it bad?"

Now it was Lisbon's turn to shrug. "I don't know, it might be wonderful. Or maybe nothing will change at all." She brushed his blonde hair from his eyes. "I will always love you, nothing will ever change that."

Zachary smiled then. "I know that."

She grinned and kissed his head before getting back to finishing breakfast. But her mind nagged her for not telling him that his father was back in their lives. Why didn't she just tell him?

She came up with the logical conclusion that she didn't want to get Zachary's hopes up, if Jane decided he wanted nothing to do with Zachary then it was best not to have him get hurt. But the voice in the back of her head reminded her that she only came up with that idea _after_ not telling him. So what was the real reason? Well she could only think of one.

She was scared.

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Lisbon was still terrified that Sunday night and early that Monday morning when her phone rang with dispatch informing her that her team had a case. Well it was one way to jump into this new phase, hitting the ground running. She called Cho and Rigsby first to let them know the address and then took a moment to stare at her phone. For the first time in six years she had Patrick's phone number in her phone, only this time it was entirely professional.

With a sigh she dialed his number and waited for him to answer. "Hey…um, we…we have a case," she managed to stammer out.

"I expected as much."

"I just wanted to let you know that's why I'm calling."

"Is there any other reason why you'd call?"

He was acting so calm, as if nothing had ever happened between them. How the hell did he do that? "No," she said quickly.

"Anything else?"

"No."

"The address might be important."

This time she literally smacked her forehead before stammering out the address to him. "First officers should be on the scene, just let them know you are with me if you get there before I do."

"Good. I'll see you there."

Lisbon hung up the phone feeling like a complete idiot. It was day one with Patrick Jane and she was off to a bad start.

* * *

><p>Jane hadn't been having the same conundrum that Lisbon was facing, his choice had been one of the easiest things he'd done. He wanted to be on the Red John Task Force, that meant sticking with them and catching killers, it was a fair trade to get the chance to find and kill the man who murdered his family. The only complication was Teresa Lisbon, working with the woman who he cheated with certainly seemed difficult on the surface but in another way it only seemed fitting. Why not atone for two sins at once? Using Teresa to help bring justice seemed to help balance things out…at least somewhat.<p>

He made it to the scene before she did, just as she'd warned him. But with Agent Cho there already he had no problems ducking behind the tape and taking a look. That might be the most difficult part, the last time he saw a dead body he'd felt a little squeamish.

"Hello Cho," Jane said as he stepped over, "No Hannigan?"

"You surprised?" Cho asked.

"Not really."

Cho met his eyes but his expression was unreadable. "So, you are working with us."

"Looks that way," Jane agreed.

"Why?"

"I like your teacups."

But Cho didn't even bat an eyelash at his quip. "What is the real reason?"

Jane decided to level with him, there was no reason not to. "I want to find the man who killed my wife and daughter, I'd also like to kill him."

"You know Lisbon will try and stop you."

"Of course."

Cho shrugged. "Okay." He took a sip of his coffee before making his way over to the body as if nothing had happened. Jane was a bit impressed, he had a feeling he might enjoy working with him.

Jane followed Cho so he could take a look himself. It was a very young woman, probably nineteen or twenty. She was wearing a tight bandage dress in a deep emerald green, she had blonde hair but her eyes were closed and Jane would bet they were the same shade as her dress. She was very beautiful, very young, and obviously she had made someone very angry. The angry marks on her neck said someone strangled her, and noted by the diamond necklace that adorned it, they hadn't wanted her money either.

Jane glanced up to see Lisbon ducking under the tape. Well it would be interesting to see how this meeting would go.

"Hey Cho, what do we have?"

"A homeless man found her this morning," Cho explained, "ID says she's Alyssa Carpenter."

Lisbon took a look over at the body. "Looks like she comes from money, anyone report her missing?"

"She's not from money," Jane stated. Lisbon met his eyes with expectation so he continued. "She's wearing cheap makeup and her nails are chipped and broken with a badly done manicure. She likes to look like she has money but I'm betting the dress and necklace are on loan."

"Why would she need to wear something like that?"

"Oh I can think of several reasons," Jane told her, "But I'm betting she's working for a high end call girl chain and they gave her the dress to look the part."

"Who the hell is this guy?" One of the cops asked.

Lisbon turned to look at the officer. "He's Mr. Jane, a consultant for my team."

Jane had to bite back a smile at her calling him "Mr.", no doubt she was so determined to keep from revealing her how familiar she was with him she was being overly formal. It was quite funny in how awkward she sounded.

Her forceful tone made the officer back off and Lisbon turned back to the task at hand. "Cho, go talk to the homeless guy and find out if he saw anything. Rigsby will contact her family."

"Get the necklace," Jane said, surprising her.

"It's evidence."

"A gem like that and it would be registered, that will lead us to the chain that she works for."

Lisbon stared at him for a moment before turning to the officer. "We'll take the necklace with us."

She turned to head off in the direction for her car and Jane decided to follow her, mostly to point out her ridiculous attempt at staying cool. "I liked you calling off the officer but the 'Mr' was a bit much."

"What else was I supposed to call you?" Lisbon asked annoyed.

"The others don't seem to have a problem."

"The others don't know you like I do," she reminded him, "and I want to keep it that way."

Jane looked into her eyes. "Then stop acting like we have something to hide."

She stopped and stared at him. "Are we really going to be able to do this? To work together every day without letting our past get in the way?"

"Why should it?" Jane asked, "There isn't anything more between us and it means nothing now."

Lisbon colored immediately and looked away, he didn't know if she was embarrassed or upset by his statement, either way it didn't really matter. He wanted to make it clear that absolutely nothing would happen, it would be best stamp out any lingering feelings she might have for him.

But she surprised him by meeting his eyes once more. "You don't know everything."

That startled him. "What do you mean?"

She might have said something more but her cell phone ringing interrupted the moment. Lisbon immediately excused herself to answer it, leaving Jane to ponder her words.

This wasn't going to be as simple as he thought.

* * *

><p><em>Six Years Ago<em>

_ Jane knew working with cops was never easy but usually entertaining, although he had to admit that the scenery was much nicer this time with Detective Lisbon. He was married yes but he wasn't blind, he could appreciate a nice view even when it was currently ready to burst with anger at him._

_ "I'm sorry, what did you just say?"_

_ He grinned. "I said you are barking up the wrong tree, Lena wasn't killed by her boyfriend, secret or otherwise."_

_ "Did she come up from her grave and tell you that?" Detective Gendry asked, immediately snorting with laughter over his bad joke._

_ "And if she did?"_

_ Gendry didn't know what to say to that but Lisbon jumped right in. "Well we have to back up our statements, why don't you try the same."_

_ He smiled at her and she immediately blushed, well he'd always had that affect on women, even women cops weren't immune. "Lena didn't have a boyfriend, she had lovers, men she discarded like yesterday's newspapers and then suddenly she stopped going out in public with boy toys. Why?"_

_ Lisbon shrugged. "She found a new lover?"_

_ "That's a good guess but no."_

_ She threw her hands up in the air. "Then what?"_

_ He smirked. "Lena had spent her latest trust fund and her father had cut her off, what does a spoiled rich girl do for money?"_

_ "Get a sugar daddy," Perry stated._

_ There were a couple of chuckles. "Another good guess but no, she was busy getting ready for important events every night but was never seen why?"_

_ "Why don't you stop beating around the bush and just tell us?" Lisbon asked._

_ "She was a call girl."_

_ Lisbon actually rolled her eyes at him. "Really? That's your big idea?"_

_ "It makes perfect sense," Jane explained, "She needs money and why not get paid for what she was previously giving away for free. Plus the excitement of doing something illicit was worth it for sure."_

_ "And that's all you have?"_

_ "Right now."_

_ There was a beat of silence before Gendry spoke up. "He's full of shit."_

_ "Yes he is," Lisbon agreed, giving Jane and annoyed look. "But we investigate all possibilities, even the ones we think are stupid." She turned to face her teammates. "Go interview her friend Kelly, if she would tell anyone what she was doing it would be her."_

_ The two men hurried to do as Lisbon said and Jane leaned back in his chair quite impressed with her composure. "I'm starving, is there a place around here to get something to eat?"_

_ Lisbon eyed him with a bit of apprehension. "We don't have any five-star restaurants here."_

_ "Who said I wanted that?" Jane asked, "Perhaps I wanted whatever greasy spoon you cops call home."_

_ He watched as she struggled to hide it and then she broke and grinned. "All right, I'll take you to Jerry's, it should be interesting."_

_ "I have no doubts."_

_0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0_

_ Twenty minutes later they were sitting in a ratty booth in a faded diner that had cracked plastic menus. It was perfect._

_ "I can't believe you ordered eggs."_

_ "Why?"_

_ "Because it's seven at night," Lisbon offered._

_ He just shrugged, "Breakfast is good any time of day, besides, the mark of a good diner is their eggs."_

_ She smiled and emptied a pack of sugar in her coffee. "I can't see you sitting in diners."_

_ "Sure you can, we're in one aren't we?"_

_ She rolled her eyes again but still smiled, taking a sip of her coffee. He studied her, liking the way the dim diner lights almost formed a halo around her dark hair. Saint Teresa, somehow that suited her._

_ She was quite attractive, even more so now that they were out of the bullpen. She had a smile that would crinkle her nose a bit, quite adorable actually. Her eyes were a very dark green, he wondered how many men tried to look into them and see the real Teresa Lisbon? Somehow he doubted any of them succeeded._

_ It occurred to him that he probably should stop thinking of these things, he was a married man even if things weren't quite the wedded bliss they used to be. Angela was still the only woman he'd ever loved but it wasn't easy with a colicky newborn and a wife who avoided actually being intimate. It was driving him mad really. Why was he even thinking of such things, he was just here to help a client and get a bigger pay day from her, not muse on his marital problems._

_ Still, there was no crime in appreciating a beautiful woman._

_ Lisbon put her coffee cup down and met his eyes. "So, how did you really figure it out?"_

_ "Figure what out?"_

_ "About Lena and her call girl job."_

_ "I thought you didn't believe me?"_

_ "I said it was stupid and that you were full of shit," Lisbon reminded him, "I never said you were wrong."_

_ He couldn't help but grin then, the blush that bloomed on her cheeks was quite lovely. "Lena told me in a vision."_

_ "Right, and my dead uncle told you that my favorite dog says hello."_

_ "Maybe he did."_

_ "I don't have a dead uncle," she told him making him smile again_

_ "You don't believe in what I do, do you?"_

_ "I think you talk to people, snoop around and then tell them what they want to hear."_

_ Jane studied her for a moment. "So you don't think I could figure anything out about you right here right now."_

_ She eyed him warily. "Did you run a background check on me or something?"_

_ He laughed then and shook his head. "How would I do that? We met three hours ago."_

_ "Fine, what could you possibly see?"_

_ Jane looked carefully in her eyes and then because he couldn't help himself, he waggled his fingers like a magician. "I'm getting a feeling…a feeling from someone…someone close to you. A woman…your mother." She visibly paled and was obviously no longer amused. "She died when you were very young but you keep her close to your heart."_

_ She unconsciously reached up to finger the gold cross at her throat but he continued. "She says she's sorry…sorry about your father. She didn't know he would take her death so badly, she didn't want you to have to grow up so fast." Lisbon flinched but he was on a role here. "She wants you to know that it hurt her every time he hurt you, that she'd have taken ever blow if she could have-."_

_ "Stop it right now!" Lisbon snapped pulling both of them out of that spell. She glared at him menacingly. "You're a real sick son of a bitch."_

_ "Perhaps," Jane agreed, "or perhaps I'm the real thing, __I know a part often wants to believe me. A part of you is thinking, 'God, I want this to be real?' Why is it so hard for you to accept there are things that can't always be explained by logic."_

_ She shook her head. "Don't pretend you know anything about me. You're a rich man who lives in splendor. You don't know what it is like to have to live day to day and try and protect the people you love…from someone you love. You have no idea."_

_ He was quiet for a moment as he took it in. Suddenly it was very important for him that this woman understand him. "You're right, I don't know what it is like to protect siblings from an abusive father…but don't think I don't understand how it is to live one day at a time." She obviously didn't believe him so he continued. "I wasn't born into wealth like poor Lena. I grew up in a traveling trailer in a carnival, never even had a real home."_

_ She was surprised by that. "Are you kidding? You're trying to say you're from carnie folk?"_

_ "The infamous Boy Wonder at your service."_

_ Lisbon obviously didn't know what to think of it, but then her lips pursed as she tried to hide a smile. "Boy Wonder?"_

_ He shrugged. "My father picked the name."_

_ "So your father was your manager."_

_ "Something like that, a real bastard that had no moral compass whatsoever. He also had no problem with exploiting his son for as much money as he could get."_

_ "So what did you do?"_

_ He leaned back in his seat. "I got out, ran off and left that life behind. Never looked back."_

_ Lisbon was quiet again, then surprised him by reaching over and lightly touching his hand. "I think honesty suits you better than visions."_

_ Her touch surprised him, gentle and warm. He found his own fingers reaching up to caress her own. That was when their eyes met and something hit him, something that he hadn't seen in a while, not even from his wife. Desire._

_ And he felt it too._

This might be trouble after all, _he thought._

_ And somehow that idea scared him…and thrilled him. No matter how wrong it was._

* * *

><p>Jane had disappeared as soon as Alyssa's parents had shown up; Lisbon couldn't really blame him, informing the family was the worst of the job description. It was probably still too raw for him anyways to have to share in another family's grief. Once they left the team could do little but wait to find out where the diamond necklace was registered.<p>

Lisbon was able to slowdown long enough to think and she knew that she needed to get Jane alone and tell him about Zachary. She'd plan to pull him aside, maybe even ask him to lunch but the case made that impossible. She would just have to settle for a private place where they could talk, as long as he didn't get too upset then things should be okay.

She spied him heading for the break room, no doubt for a cup of tea. She hadn't forgotten much when it came to him and his insane affinity for tea was certainly not something that would slip her mind. He selected a simple blue teacup she hadn't even known was there, well she supposed now was as good a time as ever.

She stood up from her desk and made her way over to the break room and silently prayed that no one else would follow. "Hey," she said as she walked in and shut the door behind her. "We…we should probably talk."

He raised an eyebrow but didn't look at her as he continued making his tea. "Sounds serious."

"It is," she admitted. Lisbon took in a deep breath and then let it out slowly. "It's about us…about what happened six years ago."

Now he did turn around to face her, he actually was taking this seriously. "I thought we both agreed that it never happened."

"Yes when it comes to our jobs."

"Well we are in the CBI."

"I don't really have a choice on the venue," she shot back.

His eyes widened and he held a hand up in surrender. "Then by all means, say your peace."

It wasn't as easy as that. "Look I…I know we regret it, I mean that is obvious. We both wish we could take it back and…but it…it isn't that simple-."

"Boss?" Rigsby said, interrupting the moment. She could have killed him for that. "We got the registration on the necklace."

Lisbon closed her eyes and shook her head a little, just enough to clear her thoughts before heading back to her job. "Great, we'll meet you in the bullpen in a second."

Once he was gone she turned back to Jane with a heavy sigh. "Duty calls," she said with a slight grumble in her voice. Then they both followed Rigsby to the bullpen.

Cho was by his desk with some papers in his hand. "The necklace was registered to a _Sultry Nights_ corporation."

"Hmph," Jane said, "Well they weren't very subtle were they?"

Lisbon had to agree. "Okay, so she definitely was a call girl, see if you can track down the corporation."

"That won't be easy," Jane stated. At her annoyed look he explained, "I imagine they have connections, they don't want to be found easily, not by the police."

"Then what are you suggesting?"

He smiled, "A more direct approach." He turned to Cho. "Think you can find a phone number for them?"

"Yeah."

"Bring it up."

Lisbon followed Jane over to Cho's death. "What do you think you are doing?"

"You'll see." He pulled out his phone and immediately started dialing the number all the while smiling as a man only did when he was getting ahead of the game. "Hello? Yes I'm interested in some companionship." She gaped at him while he continued with his little charade. "Yes tonight, at Le Shief's, reservation under the name Wayne Rigsby."

Rigsby looked like he was going to have a heart attack but Jane barely noticed. "Yes, seven is perfect. Wonderful." He hung up the phone and met Lisbon's eyes. "What?"

"Did you really just stand here in the middle of a government building a solicit a prostitute?"

"Well it wouldn't be the first time that happened, particularly in a government building."

"That is no the point! What the hell are you thinking? Do you know what trouble you could get us into?"

Jane shrugged. "We'll meet the lady, get her to talk her employer and we'll find out who Alyssa was with that night."

"Except you set up a _dinner_ _invitation_ with a woman who is working _illegally_!" Lisbon shouted. "My god, Patrick, what were you thinking?"

She realized what she said right afterwards and immediately choked on whatever else she was going to say. She just gaped at him, so ashamed for accidently slipping and calling him by his first name, a sign of familiarity.

Like a coward she turned and fled to her desk where she could at least try and pretend it hadn't happened.

But it had and the rest of the team was more bewildered than ever. "That was weird," Cho said. Jane just nodded as if he was just as confused as they were.

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Lisbon was still mortified hours later and had done what she could to avoid being around Jane or anyone for that matter. How could she have been so stupid and call him by his first name? She never called Cho or Rigsby by their first names and she'd worked with them for over a year and more. She was only supposed to know him for a few _days_. God this was impossible.

The next time she saw him he was heading out of the CBI. In the middle of the day? Well she wasn't going to stand for that and she marched right after him. "Where the hell do you think you are going?" she asked him in the hallway.

"Rigsby's going to need something better than his cop suit for dinner tonight."

"I can't believe you are going through with this," Lisbon said, still cross.

"We'll find out where Alyssa was and who was with her, it makes perfect sense to me."

"Meaning one of her clients did it."

"I never said that."

She gaped at him. "Then what is all of this for?"

Jane met her eyes. "Alyssa had a boyfriend, while you were sulking at your desk Cho talked to him. Seems his only alibi is living at a dorm room, you know how easy those are to get in and out of. He clearly was expecting us to talk to him."

"So that's what you are going on? And I wasn't sulking at my desk!"

"Yes you were," Jane said, "And or a silly reason. No one cared that you called me by my first name, not until you made such a fuss about it."

"You really think they wouldn't notice if I started calling you by your given name?" Lisbon said, making it clear she doubted that very much.

"If you want it to be truly over then you need to start acting like it."

The elevator finally arrived and without thinking of it they both stepped on. But Lisbon immediately regretted it when she did. Being on an elevator with Jane was dangerous, it brought back vivid memories.

Breathless kissing, being pressed against the elevator wall, fumbling to touch and feel everything…zippers loud in the silence.

She felt hot and cold as the memories flashed before her eyes. She looked up at Jane, maybe to see if he was feeling it too but she was surprised to find bitter coldness. "Don't look at me like that."

"Patrick…I—."

"_Don't_," Jane cut her off.

The elevator doors opened with a piercing toll and Jane strode out immediately. But Lisbon was ready to be dismissed so easily. "You can't seriously be mad at me right now."

"We're not going to talk about it."

"Patrick, stop!" she told him and he did pause in his steps, even though they were simply standing in the middle of the parking garage. "I know I said we wouldn't but…but I think we have to talk about us."

He didn't move for a moment before finally whipping around. He looked furious, even worse than when they'd had that giant argument in the stairwell…and it had been all downhill from there. "Fine, let's talk about us. About what we did, how I cheated on my wife and now she's gone. I got my family killed and if that isn't bad enough, betrayed them as well. And you think I want to sit here and be reminded of it? For what?" He shook his head in disgust. "I regret every day that I ever went to San Francisco and met you and I regret everything that ever came from it."

Jane didn't stick around to see her reaction; he just turned around and left again.

Lisbon fell back against the wall, unable to support herself on her own. She couldn't have been more shocked if he'd slapped her across the face.

She was surprised that tears fell from her eyes and she angrily brushed them away. What right did she have to cry? To be hurt? What right did a mistress have to ask a man to enjoy having cheated on his wife? It wasn't like she didn't regret it herself…except she couldn't truly. Regretting her affair with him would mean regretting Zachary and nothing in the world could make her do that.

But Jane could and did.

* * *

><p><em>When Lisbon was told she would have to be working with a psychic she thought at worst she would have to sit through a couple of séances. It turned out Patrick Jane was another character all together. He was eccentric and wild, stubborn too, and damn arrogant. It was frustrating to have to work with a man who wouldn't play by any rules.<em>

_ Speaking of rules, she was going to have to remember to follow them as well. Patrick Jane was sin in a suit and if he didn't have a wedding ring on his finger she'd seriously consider making a move, even just for one night to get it out of her system. It had been a while since she'd been with anyone; maybe that was the problem after all._

_ And yet when he asked her to go with him to hunt down a lead she'd brought the damn car around. "I don't understand where we are going," Lisbon said as he simply directed her._

_ "You'll see."_

_ "Do you always say that when you do something you know everyone won't like?"_

_ "More or less."_

_ She didn't know whether or smack him or to smile. "I'm beginning to wonder if your true occupation is annoying me."_

_ She saw his smile out of her peripheral vision and that made her own lips turn up in a grin. Eventually they made it to a high building in the downtown area and Jane led her inside as if he knew exactly where he was going. She watched him charm the secretary to let them upstairs and then simply headed down a long row of offices._

_ "Where are we going?"_

_ "You'll see." _

_ Damn him._

_ Then they were at a huge corner office, it seemed to take up space for at least six offices. She gave him a look. "Don't tell me you work here."_

_ He let out a bark of laughter. "Don't be ridiculous, it's far to ostentatious for me. But this is the office of the man who secretly runs that call girl chain Lena was a part of."_

_ "How did you know that? I thought he was her father's friend."_

_ "Oh he is, and that is why she was so easily recruited, she knew him very well."_

_ Lisbon nodded, she could understand that. "Okay, are we here to talk to him?"_

_ "Oh no, he didn't kill Lena, but he might know who did. We're here to snoop."_

_ "What?"_

_ "He's bound to have a list of clients and the girls who work for him around here somewhere, we just have to look."_

_ She gaped at him as he did just that, immediately opening up drawers at the man's desk. "Have you lost your mind? Do you know how many laws you are breaking right now?"_

_ "No and it doesn't matter."_

_ "It most certainly does!"_

_ Jane shrugged. "If we find what we are looking for then we can use it against him, he'll confess and no harm done."_

_ "No har—I…I don't believe what I'm hearing!"_

_ "Do you really want to stand there and spout from the pulpit about losing a small fish to some silly laws or do you want to catch a big fish."_

_ Lisbon thought about it for a long time and reasoned that whatever trouble they got into, she'd blame it on him anyways. Besides, she really wanted to catch this killer. "Fine, but just so you know, I _hate_ fishing."_

_ That made him grin. "City girl like you, of course you do."_

_ She rolled her eyes as they started digging through the drawers. She felt like a thief in the night…, which was very close to the truth. But they persevered, mostly with Jane offering the suggestions on where to look insight she didn't know where he got. It didn't take long for them to find what they were looking for, a locked storage box hidden underneath a pile of papers in a very deep drawer. There they found a complete schedule for all of the girls and a contact list for all of the clients._

_ She felt like she'd hit the jackpot, forgetting for a moment that she'd just broken quite a few laws to get it. "This is just what we needed," Lisbon said excitedly, "someone on this list has to be our killer."_

_ Lisbon looked up into Jane's eyes and smiled and they both shared a quick moment of delight. A moment that was interrupted by the sound of footsteps coming towards them. Her eyes grew wide immediately and she near about froze in shock but Jane was much quicker on his feet. Within a second he had shoved them both into the closest closet._

_ "We're going to get caught," she whispered loudly but then Jane put a hand over her mouth to silence her._

_ "Not if you stay quiet," he said harshly._

_ A crack in the closet door revealed a cleaning lady, humming along to some unknown melody as she searched for a place to plug the vacuum in. Jane kept his hand over Lisbon's mouth, the light was dim but they could find each other's eyes in the darkness._

_ All they could do was stare, they hardly moved or breathed. The tension mounted between them but it had nothing to do with the danger of being caught. This was a whole different kind of danger, one even more terrifying but more addictive than any drug. Lisbon was all too away for his hand against her lips; her breath was coming in pants and was wooshing through his fingers. She could almost taste the salt of his skin._

_ Her chest heaved as his eyes grew malachite dark, for the first time she noticed they weren't blue but a mixture of blue and green that was like a stormy sea at the moment. He wouldn't look away and she couldn't…not when he was staring at her so intently._

_ The maid finally left but they still didn't move. He finally removed his hand but that was all, they didn't take a single step. She drew in a shaky breath and licked her lips, her mouth suddenly terribly dry. Then he did move. A single step closer to her, his head bent as if he…oh god would he?_

_ But he stopped, his voice very low and hoarse. "The coast is clear. We should go."_

_ She blinked twice and nodded her head. "Yes of course."_

_ But her head was spinning with what had just happened. Breaking the law, nearly getting caught…none of that mattered as much as what had happened…what had _almost_ happened._

_ He had wanted to kiss her, she was positive of that. And what was worse was she wished he had._

_ Oh god was she in over her head._

* * *

><p>Jane was proven correct in his original assessment of the case; it was Alyssa's boyfriend who killed her in a fit of rage after finding out her current occupation. It didn't matter to him that it was simply a way to help pay for college. So now two lives were ruined over an irate temper, it all seemed like a waste to him.<p>

The hypocrisy over temper wasn't lost on him either; he knew he'd exploded at Teresa earlier, which he needed to atone for. He wasn't really angry at her, especially not at something they were both equally at fault for. The truth was he was a little afraid to find out what she wanted to tell him earlier.

Jane knew it was important, something she wanted to explain about their past…that wasn't over. He remembered well the chaos of their affair and he knew how things had stood from the beginning…and how it had ended. And now things were different. He was terrified that she was going to admit that she might still have feelings for him.

That wasn't something he could bear.

Right now he was more confused about how he felt for Teresa, it certainly couldn't be anything romantic; he was damaged good in that area. But he did feel partly responsible for her; after all he'd been the one who'd all but guided her into sin. He certainly didn't want anything bad to happen to her. Even creating some form of a friendship was not out of the question.

But there was no possibility for anything else.

Even so, there were gentler ways to let someone down, not shouting and berating an already guilty conscience. He owed an apology and an explanation, preferably before she embarrassed herself by trying to press an impossible situation.

So he waited until she was at her desk alone before stepping over to make his case. "So…that was a good case."

Lisbon looked up and nodded quietly. "Minelli will be pleased you're pulling your weight."

He had to smile a little at that; he supposed that is what mattered here. He looked around, just to make sure that no one was eavesdropping before finally getting to the true reason why he was here. "Teresa, I feel I should apologize."

"For what?" Lisbon asked. "You were just being honest."

"I was being harsh."

"Are you going to say you don't regret cheating on your wife?"

He shook his head. "Of course not…but I shouldn't have extended that to meeting you."

Lisbon took that in but he knew she was still nursing a few wounds. "You don't have to do this, Patrick. You don't have to try and pretend…or even act like you want anything to do with me."

"Well that's not true, if I didn't want to have anything to do with you then I wouldn't be here."

She gave him a calculating look. "Don't lie. You're here because my team has the Red John case, if we didn't…you'd be with the team that did."

Okay, he couldn't deny that. But he could at least be honest. "But I'm glad it is you, you are someone that I understand and respect." She looked doubtful so he pressed his point. "Yes I do respect you and it isn't despite what we did but rather because you recognize how wrong it was. You don't make excuses, you know we made a mistake and you owned up to it. That's something to admire."

He saw how her shoulders stopped being held so high, her features softened and her eyes turned a little glassy. "Really? That's how you think of me?"

Jane nodded. "I do. But I also know that we'll never truly get over what we did. How could we? It lives with us every day. And I especially…" He paused and swallowed bitterly. "I'll never forgive myself for all of the pain I caused to my family."

Lisbon stared at him for a long while. "You really are just focused on getting Red John. Everything else…it's meaningless or close to it. And you feel that pain even more now because of me, I'm a reminder of everything that happened."

He wanted to lie to her but he couldn't find the words. "I…I think I'd feel the guilt whether or not I was here with you."

Lisbon nodded. "But it's worse, isn't it? Because when you see me you can't ignore it, you have to remember everything we did."

"I don't want to."

"But you do, and I do too." She put her pen down in disgust. "Do you think we'll ever get past it?"

He considered that question for a moment but had to admit defeat. "I have no idea."

"Neither do I."

The silence stretched between them for a very long time, they were both disheartened by this confession. Their nerves were frayed enough as it was, guilt only make it all the more worse. But he did have to face the music. "You can tell me what you were going to say earlier," Jane said. "What was it?"

She met his eyes gravely for a moment and then shook her head. "It's nothing, you just answered it."

He wondered if it was that simple. If she'd just been wondering if they could get past it…if she was as lost as he was on that answer. He didn't want to press further; it was best not to press his luck. "Okay."

Jane didn't stick around after that, he'd had enough soul bearing confession for the day. They both needed time to themselves and hopefully try to get past their painful history.

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Lisbon went home right after her talk with Jane and was so happy to hold Zachary close as soon as she walked through the door, thanking the baby-sitter profusely but not letting her son out of her arms. Zachary was always happy to see his mother but he also recognized when it progressed past the normal greeting and became more of his mother seeking comfort.

"Mommy, what's wrong?"

She looked into his green eyes and brushed the blond hair from his face, noting just how much he looked like his father. "Nothing," she lied to her son the same way she lied to Jane. "Nothing." She pulled him in for another tight hug. "Mommy just gets to have you for herself for a little while longer."

That was the only silver lining she could see.

* * *

><p>AN: Lisbon and Jane are going to have to deal with their guilt over their choices for a very long time. And Lisbon will have to figure out if telling Jane about Zachary would help or hinder the healing process. It's a hard question and a harder answer to give. You'll just have to wait and see how it turns out.


	3. Hester Prynne

Disclaimer: I own nothing

A/N: Sorry for the wait but I've been really busy with my graduate work. I love what I do I just wished it didn't consume my life LOL. But I think you guys will like this chapter as it sort of the beginning of things. You'll see how Jane and Lisbon started to cross that line and how it began to consume them. You'll also have see how they can deal with being ex lovers and current coworkers, not as easy as they wish it would be. The title comes from one of my favorite books and it fits so well with this story, won't be the last Scarlett Letter references you see in this fic.

* * *

><p>Chapter 3: Hester Prynne<p>

Lisbon had always assumed that Valentine's Day was a day for couples to give out cheap chocolate and bad smelling perfume, but it was a whole other ball game with children. In school kids were expected to bring valentines for everyone in class, usually with a token piece of candy or the confection hearts. But the real laurels were to make the valentines and Zachary was determined to do just that.

They sat together at the kitchen table with a stack of construction paper, a tub of glue and two packs of magic marker. Zachary looked like Michelangelo constructing his masterpiece, as he was extremely careful with his printing on each card. Lisbon couldn't help but tease him. "So, who's the lucky girl?"

"Huh?"

"Well, is there a girl in your class you want to give something special to?"

Zachary gave her a questioning look. "Why would I do that?

Lisbon smirked at him. "Maybe you like a girl."

"I like all of the girls in my class, except Lucy but she's mean."

She giggled lightly and rubbed his soft curls between her fingers. "All right, what about the girls. Do they like you?"

"Kelly says she wants to kiss me, but I think that's gross."

"Five years old and already breaking hearts," she commented with a grin, "that sounds about right." It was no surprise he took after his father in that regard, she knew that when he was a teenager she would be beating the girls off with a stick. That or he would be climbing out the window to chase after them. Somehow neither of those scenarios particularly appealed to Lisbon.

"I don't want to break any hearts," Zachary said, "Tommy broke Mrs. Ellison's stapler and she was really mad."

Now Lisbon laughed and ruffled his hair again. "It's just a joke, Zach. You're too sweet a boy to ever break a girl's heart." She grinned again, "Just remember you'll be having a sleepover with Daniel on Valentine's Day, that'll be fun won't it?"

Zachary nodded eagerly; he enjoyed having fun with his best friend. Lisbon didn't mind watching Daniel for the night either. Daniel's parents had watched Zachary more than once when she had to stay overnight elsewhere for a case. It was her turn to return the favor so Daniel's parents could have a date night to themselves.

"Why is Daniel coming over?"

"Oh his mommy and daddy are giving gifts to each other," Lisbon explained as tactfully as they could, "it's nice for them to have a night together then."

"Did daddy give you a gift on Valentine's Day?"

She was shocked by that question. Zachary hadn't brought up his father for several weeks, not since he'd first asked her where his father was. Lisbon had hoped that Zachary had stopped thinking about his father, at least until she could figure out what to do with Jane now that he was back in her life.

Lisbon had planned to tell him about Zachary, she was going to do it the first official day that he would work for her team. But it turned out the scars from their affair were still much too raw, that or he really did resent her for their actions. Either way he'd essentially told her he didn't really want anything to do with her outside of work and he certainly was consumed by guilt for cheating on the wife who was killed a year before.

So she'd chickened out. What if he resented Zachary for being alive while Charlotte was not? What if he hurt her son by rejecting him? What if she only hurt Jane even more by adding on the guilt of having a son by actions he despised? Too many unanswered questions plagued her to feel comfortable telling him that he had a son.

But how long could she put it off? Everyone at the office knew she had a child, sure no one talked about their personal lives and most would be reluctant to bring up any subject of children with a man who had recently lost his own. But eventually it would happen. Someone would slip and her secret would be revealed.

But she could keep Zachary safe, if he didn't know his father was around then if he were rejected then he would never know that heartbreak. She would be the only one hurt again.

Lisbon floundered for something to say. "Why do you want to know?"

"I don't know," Zachary admitted, "I just want to know about him."

Damn that made it worse. It wasn't wrong for Zachary to want to know about his father, even little things like what he'd given his mother on an overmarketed holiday.

She sighed heavily. "He gave me earrings for Valentine's Day once, just a nice little gift."

That was true actually. Valentine's Day had fallen in their short-lived affair, not that Jane had come by on it. She hadn't been expecting him to either since he undoubtedly would spend it with his wife. Not that he didn't try to make up for it with an expensive set of silver and emerald earrings. She still remembered feeling excited when she opened that box, later on realizing how wrong it was to take jewelry from a married man. The only time she ever really accepted a gift from him.

She still had those earrings, hidden in a jewelry box and untouched for six years. All of the gifts he'd ever given her were like that, untouched and hidden. Except Zachary, but the best gifts were unintentional.

Lisbon hugged Zachary close. "You were the best gift, that's all that matters."

That made Zachary smile of course. But he was still curious and not even compliments could pacify that. "Do you know where he is?"

She hated to lie to her son, but she didn't know any other way out of this. "No, I don't."

Zachary considered that for a little bit before deciding to accept it. "Okay."

She patted his shoulder. "Why don't we finish your valentines?"

Her son quickly got back to that task, the sudden inquisition about his father over as quickly as it began. She stood up as if to get herself something to drink but instead she went to the kitchen to avoid having her son see her cry. It wasn't fair! Not to him. Why should he pay for _her _mistakes? It wasn't his fault that his parents had been involved in an affair; he didn't ask to be conceived by a married man and his mistress. A little boy as wonderful as him deserved a real family, not the shambles of a woman trying desperate to hide her scarlet letter.

Of course Hester Prynne had openly acknowledged her mistake while Lisbon still covered hers up. She was more inline with the preacher in that story, her letter was hidden but much more painful, a scar branded onto her skin. And like him she didn't have the courage to let her secret out, so she suffered in silence.

Would there be relief in confession? She wasn't so sure, it hadn't worked out well for Hester in the end after all. Yes she got to see her daughter grow up but she was always an outcast and never got to take off that scarlet 'A'.

Lisbon rolled her eyes and filled a glass with water. She was comparing herself to fictional adulteresses now, which was wrong. For one, her story wasn't one that could be used to exposed society's hypocrisy and sin and punishment. No, hers was merely the same tired tale of people doing foolish things and hurting everyone, including the son who was the result.

She knew that it was inevitable. Some day, somehow Zachary would find out what she had done. All she could do was pray he forgave her.

* * *

><p>It was a slow morning at the CBI, no case to keep Jane occupied so he was entertaining Rigsby and Cho. Lisbon thought about playing the boss and calling them out on slacking, something she'd never had to do before, but she didn't want to be their mother either. Besides, she couldn't blame them when there really wasn't much else to do.<p>

Still she could see that Jane was going to be that kid on the playground that got everyone else into trouble but managed to stay squeaky-clean.

Jane was busy showing off, showing Rigsby how he could magically bend and unbend spoons. The agent was entirely fascinated by Jane's amazing trick, almost like a kid at a magician's show. Cho looked amused as well, partly by Rigsby's excitement but Lisbon could see that he was trying to figure out how Jane did it.

"I could tell you how it's done," Lisbon said with a smirk.

Jane glanced at her. "And ruin the secret? Don't reveal the magician's tricks."

"Maybe the magician should have kept his tricks to himself."

Rigsby looked over at her. "You mean he told you before?"

Shit! How could she have let that slip? Jane had showed her that trick years before, but no one was supposed to know that. Lisbon floundered immediately for some sort of excuse. "I…I my brother like magic…he showed me that one."

Rigsby shrugged. "Then how did he do it?"

Lisbon swallowed heavily. "Figure it out yourself," she told him mostly for the sake of trying to end this conversation as soon as possible.

The other agent sulked a bit and he and Cho were quick to leave soon after, probably to find lunch and discuss how weird she was acting. Jane put the spoons aside and headed on his own as well, walking right past her. "Nice save," Jane remarked.

She blushed. "I don't know how you can stay so calm."

"Well I'm more careful than you."

Lisbon didn't like being chastised like that, even if it was rather gentle. "Keep the magic tricks out of the office."

"Why?"

"Because I said so"

Now there was a gleam of rebellion in his eyes. "Because you said so? Really?"

"I am your boss or did you forget that?"

"It is so funny that you actually think you are my boss." Jane said casually, as if the mere thought of her being in charge of him was ludicrous.

"This isn't a joking matter. I am your boss and I am telling you to keep the magic tricks out of the office or else."

"Or else what?"

The look in his eyes was dark and she found herself back to another time when he had threatened her. Stairwells and jealousy. "My office now!"

Jane did follow her much to her surprise but he seemed mostly bored with this routine. Why was it that she was the only one who could see what a mess this all was. "What?"

"Don't you ever dare talk to me like that in the bullpen or I will have you gone from here."

"You won't do that."

She shook her head. "Jane don't push me on this."

"Which subject are we talking about exactly?"

Lisbon glared at him, trying to show authority and not as a woman he'd seen naked numerous times. "Just because we have a past does not mean you don't show me respect, this is my team that you are a part of. Remember that."

"Trust me it is hard to forget. Are we done here?"

"For now."

"Then if you don't mind, there is a cup of tea calling me name."

Lisbon watched him go with some regret, not that he was leaving but that he was there in the first place. She was beginning to wonder why she had even thought that working with him would be a good idea. They could never keep this a secret and they could never look at each other as anything more than someone they had made a horrible mistake with.

This was doomed from the start.

* * *

><p><em>Six Years Ago<em>

_ Lisbon had gone back to her apartment following the adventure in the closet with Patrick Jane. They hadn't spoken much at all after stumbling out of the closet and hurrying out of the building. She'd driven him to his hotel almost in a daze really, but the tension between them had been as thick as soup. _

_ It was like an itch festering under her skin, but she had to ignore it, it was the only logical thing she could do. But she couldn't stop thinking about him, being that close to him in that closet. She'd been so aware of him, of the musky scent of his cologne, of his hands against her mouth. Those hands had been large and dexterous, not soft but firm, hands a man knew what to do with._

_ That was all she had been able to think about since. His hands. His eyes. His lips._

_ She wanted to know what those hands would feel like on her skin, those lips. Would his eyes turn even darker in desire? Asking those questions was dangerous, too dangerous. Patrick Jane was a married man, wanting him was not allowed._

_ And apparently her ways to dealing with avoiding what she truly wanted was to eat massive quantities of junk food. She put a large dent in her chocolate stash, polished off a bag of potato chips and then settled in with a carton of ice cream. Perhaps she would have to run a few extra miles to make up for it but indulging her peckish side was the only thing that could keep her from jumping in her car and heading for a hotel room she had no business being at. _

_ God what was she doing? Sitting around eating junk while mooning after a man she would never have? She shouldn't even _want_ him! He was a jackass! There were tons of guys out there, she could find another one easily and forget about Mr. Married._

_ So she did just that._

_ O'Reilly's was bar and pub she enjoyed going to, not too rowdy with decent food and a very well stocked bar. But it was the men she was perusing tonight, along with some good whiskey she was ready to find someone that would get her to stop thinking about Patrick Jane and clear her head of such insane thoughts._

_ There were several attractive men and more than a few offers but every time someone offered to buy her a drink or tried to touch her arm or leg, she wound up pulling back. She always found something to criticize, his chin, his eyes, the tattoo on his arm. Stupid nit-picky things that she would normally not care about but were deal breakers tonight for some reason._

_ "Is this seat taken?"_

_ She glanced over to see a tall man with light brown hair and chocolate eyes, a little scruff gave him character and he was certainly easy to look at. He had that love them and leave them look, the man she was looking for._

_ "No," she told him. Then she drained her glass and threw some money down on the bar. "Neither is this one."_

_ Lisbon left alone which wasn't how she had planned it but she realized that it was the inevitable ending for the evening. She didn't want any of those men in that bar and none of them would have given her what she'd needed anyways. She wanted the beautiful blonde sin that she was currently working with._

_ But he wasn't hers to have._

* * *

><p>This was the first time Jane had seen Minelli yell.<p>

He knew it would happen eventually, his by the book mentality was certainly going to clash with Jane's ideas of anything goes as long as it gets the job done. He was surprised that Lisbon was brought in for the tongue lashing too but she did keep insisting that she was his boss.

"Do you have any idea how many phone calls I've gotten today?" Minelli asked. It was a rhetorical question. "You don't insult a businessman like Lyle Granger, not when he's friends with the governor and every other politician in the state!"

Jane just shrugged. "You want me to solve cases, that's what I'm doing."

"You're hired to solve cases, not piss off every man in the state." Minelli then turned to Lisbon. "And where were you when this was happening?"

"Trying to stop Granger from punching him," Lisbon replied.

"You should have let him," Minelli told her. "You told me he would be a pain in the ass. You should have warned me just how much."

"My mistake sir," Lisbon agreed. "I should have said that he doesn't just bring trouble, he makes enough to destroy the state."

"I am standing right here," he reminded them thought he was rather amused by the conversation taking place.

"So you are," Minelli said. "Now, I am going to apologize on your behalf to Lyle Granger and you are going to avoid going to any of his hotels in the near future."

"Well one is currently a crime scene," Jane pointed out, "might be difficult to avoid that."

"Get him out of my office," Minelli said quickly and Lisbon all but shoved Jane out of the room.

Jane chuckled a little as soon as they were out of the office but Lisbon looked like she would kill him with her eyes if that were possible. "I like Minelli, he's a good man." She still didn't respond, just glared at him. Well if she would be that way then he would ask something else. "So you told him about us?"

That got her talking. "Sure, I told my boss that I slept with a married man six years ago."

"He must have been shocked."

She didn't appreciate his come back. "I told him we worked together once, that is _all_."

"Well we did work together," Jane agreed. He was glad he at least knew the story so he could avoid any problems in the future. Of course he would have been able to bluff his way out of saying anything too personal.

"And it was as much of a disaster then as it is now."

"I wouldn't say that."

Lisbon scoffed at that. "Are you kidding? You really think this is working? You don't listen to a word I say, you run off and do your own thing, you have no respect for me at all."

"That's not true."

"Of course it is! Do you see me as an investigator or as a woman that you slept with six years ago?" She didn't give him a chance to respond. "I don't know why we ever thought his would work in the first place."

They were both quiet for a moment, watching as people passed them by, completely oblivious to the black marks on both of them. "I respect you," Jane told her.

He heard her let out a long sigh. "Even if that was true, we were kidding ourselves to think we could ever actually work together again."

She might have been right about that. But he wasn't willing to give up quite yet.

* * *

><p>When Jane said he had a plan that was enough to make Lisbon feel like she was going to be sick. Throw in the fact that he told her she would have to dress up and she really felt like she was going to have a panic attack. Jane had a theory that the person who killed Vincent Lang was in retaliation for Lang's very public and very cruel breakup with his ex-girlfriend.<p>

Lisbon found that pill hard to swallow but Jane was convinced that the killer worked at the hotel bar. He needed a woman to illicit sympathy and she was the only person on the team that currently fit that bill. That just sealed the deal, she needed to hire another woman.

So she wound up dressed up in a cute black dress she had stashed in her closet, taping a wire under her bra and feeling like a complete idiot. "Why can't you just use tarot cards again?" Lisbon asked him once she was wired up. "I didn't have to dress up for that."

"Tarot cards won't work for this," Jane reminded her, "We need to ferret out the killer, we don't have a finite group to focus on."

"Then have Rigsby do it."

"He wouldn't fit in the dress."

The image of her six foot three friend trying to squeeze into the black dress was more than enough to scar her for life. Jane seemed to think that was the end of that argument and for all intents and purposes it was. She didn't know how to get out of this situation except following Jane's lead.

Jane told her the game plan again while Cho laid out the set up in the room, cameras, microphones, etc. Jane was going to go in and play the charming rake while she was supposed to see him and get all depressed at the bar because apparently he was her ex.

The irony wasn't lost on her either.

But Lisbon wasn't thinking about their affair six years ago, she was focused instead on trying not to throw up from how nervous she was. She never was in a school play because she knew she couldn't stand up in front of people and not freak out. She also knew she was terrible at coming up with lies on the spot.

So as she stood alone with Jane outside the hotel she just blurted out the truth. "I can't do this."

"Yes you can."

"No seriously, I can't," Lisbon insisted. "I can't just make something up, I'm not good at those kinds of lies."

"Are you good at making any kind of lie?"

She might have been annoyed any other time of Jane mocking her but she was still too freaked out by what she was about to do. He noticed and came up with a solution of his own.

"Tell the truth."

Lisbon wasn't sure if she'd heard him right. "What?"

"Tell the truth," Jane repeated. "Don't make up a lie, just tell the truth. We had an affair."

"Are you crazy?! I'm not going to say anything like that with Cho and Rigsby listening!"

"Why not? They won't know its true," Jane pointed out.

He had a point. Cho and Rigsby didn't have any idea of their history; there was no reason why they would think she was actually recounting their history instead of just telling an elaborate lie.

For some reason, that calmed her down. Having a plan meant she wasn't going in there completely blind and maybe it just helped to remember that the only person who really knew what she'd done was the man standing with her…and he wasn't going to say a word.

That was how she wound up sitting at a bar, ordering a rum and Coke that she sipped to avoid getting drunk. She'd have preferred just the Coke but that would have ruined her cover for sure. And when Jane came in she did what she could to pretend to look like she was devastated. That wasn't so difficult, she thought about the moment things had ended between them, the time she found her mother died, any moment that filled her with sadness to this day.

It seemed to work. The bartender gave her a free drink and one of the waitresses stood there and was sympathetic while she poured out her sad little tale. The story of a woman who got in too deep with a married man, who lost sight of herself in the chaos but couldn't break away from him because she'd never felt so strongly about anyone like that before…only to have it all fall apart when she found out that it was all a façade.

Jane left to go back to the room and watch the evening progress as she finished up her story. Then she sat at the bar and pretended to feel incredible hopeless. The commotion started not long afterwards and she slipped away to head up to the room to surprise the same waitress who was breaking into Jane's room.

"I'm surprised honestly," Jane admitted, "I thought it would be the bartender."

The waitress was in for a surprise when she realized she'd been had, apparently having been badly jilted herself she had reacted badly to her best friend being humiliated by Lang, apparently that gave her cause to do the same to any woman she felt terrible for.

It was pouring down rain when they loaded up the waitress in the squad car and Lisbon turned only to catch Jane's eye. They stood there for a second, eyes locked in the pouring rain before she turned away again, both wanting to pretend the past hadn't happened.

* * *

><p><em>It had been raining when Lisbon had gone to the bar and by the time she'd gotten out it had started to pour. She was nervous about getting home since her car was currently on it's last legs but she needed a couple more paychecks before she could afford that new Mustang she'd been eyeing.<em>

_ Sure enough, she got maybe ten blocks before her car started sputtering and stalling. "Come on," she pleaded with the engine as she used the last of the momentum to pull over. "Please, don't do this now!"_

_ But each time she cranked the engine she just heard it rev but it wouldn't actually start. "Come on!" she shouted again before finally slapping the steering wheel. "Damn you," she muttered before opening the door to step out into the deluge._

_ Lisbon popped the hood to see her for herself but everything looked wet to her. She'd have to call a tow truck and triple A. Just what she needed._

_ She reached back into her car to pull out her cell phone only to be greeted with another surprise, her battery was dead. "Oh no, you have got to be kidding me!" she shouted into the night._

_ Wonderful, now she'd have to walk to a phone._

_ Lisbon kicked her car tire and mused that this must be karma. She was fantasizing about a married man and went to a bar to do something about it only to leave alone and now be stranded in the rain. God was punishing her. That had to be the only explanation._

_ "Need some help?"_

_ She turned around to find herself awash in headlights and lo and behold, the object of her thoughts and desires was behind the wheel. Suddenly she had a new theory for why this was happening all at once, it had nothing to do with God but rather the fallen angel responsible for all of the wickedness in this world._

_ And like he tempted Eve, here was the forbidden fruit being held out to her right now._

_ "What are you doing here?" Lisbon asked as he Jane got out of the car. A very nice rental Lexus from the looks of it._

_ "Driving around," Jane told her, "I couldn't sleep." He eyed her up and down, his gaze even sexier now that he was rapidly getting as soaked as she was. "Then I saw you stranded on the side of the road, wouldn't be a gentlemen if I just drove on by."_

_ "I don't think you're a gentleman."_

_ "I'm not," Jane agreed with a smile. "But here I am."_

_ Lisbon sighed and looked at her car and then back at him. "Got your cell phone?"_

_ "Indeed, and it's charged, I'm guessing yours isn't."_

_ She gave him an annoyed look as she took his offered phone. "Did a spirit tell you that?"_

_ "No, the way you kicked your tire in annoyance did."_

_ That made her crack a smile as she called for a tow truck, quickly able to give the driver directions only to be dismayed that it would take at least twenty minutes. When she hung up Jane gave her another tempting smile. "Want to wait in my car? It's dry."_

_ "Why not?" Lisbon said even though her heart was pounding. God this might be a really bad idea._

_ He handed her a towel as soon as they were in the car. "Here at least you can dry off."_

_ "Do you always carry towels in your rentals?" She asked as she took the towel to at least get some of the water out of her hair._

_ "No," Jane told her. "It was in the trunk._

_ She flung it away. "Ugh! And you let me use it?"_

_ Now he was laughing. "It's from my hotel room, wet night like this, it's always good to be prepared."_

_ "You're an ass," she said as she picked the towel up and continued to dry off. The silence fell heavy again; the only sound was the pounding of the rain on the roof. "Thanks for stopping," she told him finally; she hadn't done that in her frustration at having to be in the same vicinity as him again._

_ "It's no problem," he replied. Jane drummed his fingers on the steering wheel for a beat. "What were you doing out?"_

_ Lisbon couldn't tell him she'd been hoping to hook up with someone so she could stop thinking about him, that would be right up there with the naked dreams from high school. "I…I couldn't sleep either."_

_ "Did you try?"_

_ "Yes."_

_ "Liar," Jane replied, he turned his head to look at her. "You were up to something else, I'm guessing your annoyance when I showed up wasn't a coincidence."_

_ "My car just stalled in the middle of a storm," she reminded him, "of course I was mad."_

_ "Yes but it was directed at me," he pointed out, "I certainly can't be responsible for your car." Lisbon turned away. There was no way she could answer this question, ever. So she stayed quiet, looking out at the rain again. "I could guess," Jane offered but she still didn't reply. "You were thinking about me when it happened, and before…and you went to a bar to forget."_

_ She did turn now to glare at him. "Not everything has to be about you."_

_ "This was."_

_ Rage flooded through her system and she yanked open the door. "I don't have to hear this." She snapped before jumping back into the rain. _

_ Lisbon figured she'd wait in her own car for the tow truck and Patrick Jane could just stuff his nice lexus up his ass._

_ "Teresa stop!" he said as he followed her over to her car._

_ "Go away!" she shouted back. She tried to get into her car but the door was locked and the key was in her jacket pocket. She had to fumble for it but Jane put a hand on her arm to stop her._

_ He grabbed her and forced her to turn and look at him. His eyes dark in the storm, his blonde hair slicked and wet. It was the best and worst of fantasies come to life._

_ "I don't know what happened in that closet," Jane started, and then he thought better of it. "Actually I do. But it isn't just you," He told her calmly then repeated softer, "It isn't just you."_

_ All she could do was stare into his eyes, her hear thudding in her ears. _It isn't just you.

_ He was feeling it too._

_ She stopped thinking then about what was wrong and what was right. At that moment the only thing he cared about was that it wasn't just her who was feeling something._

_ He did too._

_ Lisbon stepped up on her toes to kiss him. Pulling him up against her to press her body up against his. This wasn't slow; this wasn't a tender kiss in the rain that came with all of the sappy romantic comedies in the movies. No, this was raw passion._

_ Jane didn't fight her; no he kissed her back immediately. He pushed her up against the car. Their hands fumbled over wet clothing and skin, she found his hair and let her fingers skim through the silky wet locks. _

_ The rain poured around them but neither one noticed or cared. This was about feeling, tasting, the rush of blood through their veins and the thrill of the moment. It was excitement, it was powerful, an addiction that started almost instantly._

_ It was headlights the broke them up. The searing light forced them to see what was happening in the shadows, underneath the lightning streaking across the sky._

_ "You still need help?" The tow truck driver asked. He was looking very amused at catching two want-to-be lovers making out heavily against the car._

_ Lisbon pushed him aside quickly though there was no way either one of them could regain their composure after being caught like this. "Y…yes," she stammered out._

_ "All right, I'll get you set up," the guy said before getting to work._

_ Jane nodded his head. "I'll take you home."_

_ "No," Lisbon said quickly. "He'll take me home. You need to go. Now."_

_ "Teresa…"_

_ "Go."_

_ She wondered if he would fight her more but he must have seen something in her eyes, something that reminded them both of their situation. The one being that they had already crossed one line that they never should have come close to stepping on in the first place._

_ So he nodded his head and turned back to his car. Lisbon was left standing in the pouring rain, her heart pounding heavily in her chest, body still humming with what had just happened. Everything was spinning out of control and she didn't now how to stop it._

_ She didn't know if she wanted to._

* * *

><p>When the killer was put away the paperwork merely continued. Still Lisbon was ready to call it a night and finish it tomorrow so she could go home to Zachary. Her nanny was able to stay late that night but she couldn't stay over forever. She wasn't surprised that Jane was the last one to leave, he usually was, but she wasn't expecting him to stop by her office.<p>

"Finally heading home?" he said casually.

"Well I don't live here," Lisbon pointed out teasingly, "and I actually like sleeping in a real bed."

"Don't knock the couch," Jane told her.

She found herself smiling at him; it was a good-natured talk, not fraught with secrets and old pain. "I'll take your word on the couch, my home seems like a better option to me."

But Jane did turn serious then, something she wasn't expecting. "I want you to know that I do respect you, as a cop and a friend."

It was the word 'friend' that caught her off guard. "You think we're friends?"

"Yes," Jane told her, "or at least I hope we will be."

"You think we can be friends? Even after what happened?"

He met her eyes. "I believe if we give ourselves the chance, then yes."

Lisbon shook her head, still amazed. "But how? Don't you…resent me?"

"For what?"

"For sleeping with you."

"Now that's absurd," Jane told her, "I was just as at fault as you were, perhaps more. I was the one who was married after all."

"And yet you think we can be friends."

"Lisbon, we made a mistake six years ago but we have to work together now. I never thought you were anything less than a wonderful person that should be admired." Jane smiled at her. "Why wouldn't I want to be friends with you?"

She looked away, blushing a little now. There was one last topic she had to bring up. "But don't you…don't you think that would be like cheating again?"

He took in a deep breath and let it out, she knew she'd hurt him a little with that one. "It's not the same thing," Jane told her after a moment. "We aren't sleeping together, we're working together to help people. If being friends can help us work better together, isn't that a good thing?"

Jane had a good point and she couldn't refute it. "You're right, it's better to be partners."

"Now that sounds better than you calling yourself my boss."

"Even if technically I am?"

"No one is the boss of me," Jane told her teasingly, "and you definitely don't want to try."

"God help me if I did," Lisbon agreed. There was a stretch of silence, not awkward but peaceful. "You're right," she told him, "we can be friends."

"Of course I'm right," Jane replied. "And as your friend, you should go home and get some sleep. You're much less cranky when you're well rested."

"ha ha ha," Lisbon said dryly, "you're hilarious."

"You know I'm right," Jane told her with a grin.

She laughed then, enjoying a moment with him that wasn't filled with tension. "But you're right, I need to go home." But she wasn't thinking about her bed, instead it was the little boy that was waiting for her.

"I'll see you tomorrow…friend," Jane tacked on at the end with another smile.

She smiled as he left and sat back in her chair with a sigh when he was gone. It was good to finally clear the air, to work past it and as far as he knew, it really was the end of the matter.

Lisbon opened her drawer and looked down at a picture of her son, his curly blonde hair and infectious smile. It wasn't over, not yet by any means, and it never would be.

* * *

><p>AN: Well what did you think? I loved that kiss in the rain so much, as bad as it is to say that hehehe. But Lisbon is right. Zachary can't stay a secret for much longer...


	4. Sin Begets Sin?

Disclaimer: I own nothing

A/N: This is a chapter folks have been waiting for. It's pretty intense as major stuff happens in the present and the past but I love this chapter and I hope everyone can see how it all can fall into place. It's the start of things really getting even more intense in the future and I'm excited that you guys are going to see it. I'm nervous about how people will take it but I have faith that if you've made it this far, then you'll enjoy the rest of this ride.

BTW this chapter is rated M for obvious reasons.

* * *

><p>Chapter 4: Sin Begets Sin?<p>

_Jane went back to the hotel immediately after leaving Teresa in the capable hands of the tow truck driver. She'd asked him to leave; actually she'd demanded it and Jane could understand why. He'd been facing the same problem she had that evening in that he hadn't been able to stop thinking about _her_._

_ The supply closet had surprised him more than it had her. He was a man that prided himself on keeping his emotions in check, in being able to accurately predict outcomes. But he hadn't expected to find himself overwhelmed by a connection to this woman he barely knew. There was something about her that made him want to reach out and take her hand, to pull her close, to capture that goodness she carried and see where it went. _

_ That was a dangerous thing to want since he wasn't free to have it. But when he was with Teresa he stopped thinking in terms of right and wrong and could seem to only focus on what he was feeling. And what was he feeling?_

_ He felt caught someplace he didn't want to be in regards to his marriage. Thinking about Angela was enough to make him feel some guilt but that was overshadowed by the frustrations he felt. Was it his fault he felt this way when she barely let him touch her? When their issues started he'd felt like nothing but an ass at first but now that months had gone by that was rapidly falling away to nothing but aggravation. Did she not see what was happening? Or maybe things had deteriorated too much?_

_ And now here was Detective Teresa Lisbon._

_ He felt excited again. Wanted. That was something he desperately needed. It reminded him of how he'd felt when he first met Angela. The rush, the excitement and passion. It was exhilarating to know he could feel that way again._

_ So he was getting something he needed, every man needed to know they were desired by someone. But did that make all of this okay?_

_ The answer to that was obvious: of course not!_

_ He felt the guilt, the pain, the voice in his head warning him that he needed to put an end to this. He should go home, go to Malibu and forget about Teresa Lisbon and her green eyes. He'd made a promise to his wife that he would never betray her._

_But he had also made a promise to see this through._

_ Maybe it was a pride thing; maybe he just needed to prove that he still was the smartest man in the room. Or maybe he felt compelled to help, he needed to find this killer because he was already too involved to just cut his ties and run._

_ This was a big risk, if he stayed then he might be tempted too far. The worst part was a part of his mind was wondering if that was a bad thing. Would it be wrong if he just gave in? If it was just meaningless? If Angela never found out then no one would get hurt._

_ They were stupid, inane thoughts that he tried to dismiss but wouldn't leave his mind. And every time he spent time with Teresa he started listening to his conscience less and less. Maybe it was inevitable, maybe it wasn't. But if he wasn't careful he'll find himself crossing that line again._

_ And this time he might not care._

* * *

><p>Things were changing at the CBI and Lisbon was actually happy about it this time. The bullpen was going to be redone and she would finally be getting her own office, a nice step up from the cramped cubicle-like situation they had going on now. She was also narrowing down the list of replacements for Hannigan and true to her promise; she was determined to get a woman.<p>

There were a few to choose from with one standing out. Grace Van Pelt seemed to have everything Lisbon was looking for; the only real problem she could see was just how pretty the younger woman was. Lisbon wasn't one to hold her looks against her; she imagined Van Pelt had had to face a lot of problems when she looked more like a model than a cop. But Lisbon also knew that having her on the team might cause a few problems, especially with Rigsby who had practically started panting over her picture.

Still Lisbon couldn't deny that Van Pelt was perfectly qualified so she called her in for a quick interview. Overall she was satisfied with her as a candidate, she was a little quiet but no doubt that was because she was a little nervous. Lisbon felt a bit better about her once learning that her father had been a football coach, she had a feeling that Van Pelt could hold her own then.

However it was an issue that Rigsby was literally pretending to read a file at his desk when all the while he was really just ogling her. Finally she had enough and the next time he peeked up, she caught his eye and gave her the exact same look she gave her younger brothers when they were up to no good. It had the same effect as he quickly buried his face into his work and didn't look up again.

The interview when much more smoothly after that and Lisbon's only real hesitance was the possible issue of Rigsby pursuing Van Pelt. "Now we do have a consultant on our team," Lisbon told her, "and I should warn you…he's not something they taught you at the academy."

"A consultant?"

Lisbon nodded. "He's…he's a mentalist," she settled on that Webster's dictionary word she'd learned from Jane himself. "He can read people and understand them easily."

"Like a psychic?"

"Well he pretended to be one once," she admitted, "But he doesn't actually have any supernatural powers, he's just really good at understanding how people act and think."

Van Pelt took that information in seriously. "He sounds like an interesting man to work with."

"You have no idea," Lisbon said. "And if you do join my team that means having to handle him which isn't an easy task, he doesn't exactly follow the rules."

"Then why is he here?"

"Because he catches killers quicker than anyone else I've seen."

She considered that and then nodded. "Well that is the most important reason why we are here right?"

Lisbon smiled; she already liked this woman. "Right."

They shook hands and Lisbon led Van Pelt to the elevator, spotting Jane on her way back to the bullpen with a cup of tea in his hand. "New recruit?" Jane asked as soon as she walked by.

"Possibly," Lisbon replied, "We have to replace Hannigan with someone."

"Well she seems competent."

"You got all of that from just watching her walk by?"

"She walks with authority and confidence," Jane explained, "I'd bet she's had to work with tough boys all her life, she's going into this job because she really enjoys it and knows she can do a good job."

Lisbon couldn't disagree. "Well she was close to the top of the class at the Academy and apparently has a good background with cyber, God knows we could use someone who can use a computer halfway decent."

"Why do I sense hesitance from you?"

She met Jane's eyes. "You have to have noticed how pretty she was."

"I am capable of making those basic observations," Jane replied with a smirk.

"So you see the problem."

"Not at all," Jane said, "but I assume you are more concerned with the fact that Rigsby was staring after her like a lovelorn school boy."

Lisbon rolled her eyes and nodded. "That would be a problem. I want my team focused on catching killers not trying to get into each other's pants, especially not when it is against the rules."

"You seriously have rules against that sort of thing?"

"Of course!" Lisbon stated, "Its in the handbook which you wouldn't be bothered to even glance at. Agents on the same team can't be involved in a romantic relationship."

"So if two agents fall in love one has to quit?" Jane asked, "Well that hardly seems fair."

"It's best for everyone involved," Lisbon explained, "we can't have any division or reasons that would pull focus, not when our lives are on the line."

"Hmmm," Jane mused, "that seems like wishful thinking."

"Rules are rules."

"Not all rules are good ones."

Lisbon met his eyes. "Feelings, even strong ones, aren't a good enough reason to just toss out the rulebook. People get hurt."

She didn't know when she'd stopped talking about Rigsby and Van Pelt and started talking about them but Jane had caught that too. "Perhaps, but it isn't black and white, not when you are in the middle of it."

"You're trying to justify it?"

"Certainly not," Jane said quickly, "But people attempt to in the moment and even afterwards. And it isn't as simple as good and bad, right and wrong."

"So you think I should hire Van Pelt because it might not be a bad thing if Rigsby broke the rules with her?"

"No," Jane said. "I think you should hire her because she is clearly what you are looking for and her beauty shouldn't be held against her." Jane took a sip of his tea and smiled. "Besides, we could use some entertainment and watching Rigsby clumsily chase after her would be perfect."

Now Lisbon did crack a smile. "Oh, so this is all about making sure you are entertained."

"I think we'll all benefit from it."

She laughed lightly and shook her head. "If I hire Van Pelt it will be because of her merits, not from you wanting to watch our own soap opera play out in the CBI."

"I'll keep my disappointment to myself." Jane told her.

Lisbon mused on the conversation with Jane as she made her way back to her desk. Jane was right about Van Pelt, she shouldn't let what may or may not happen with Rigsby keep her from this opportunity. But it was the question of right or wrong that threw her.

She'd had her own internal debates six years ago about what they had done. There was no denying that rules had been broken, ancient authoritative rules that pretty much everyone unanimously agreed should be followed. Apparently Jane had waffled himself over those rules six years ago as well.

But he didn't have the benefit of all of the facts like she did. He might believe their affair was wrong in it's entirety but she was less likely to agree to that assessment. Was someone wrong when it produced her son?

That answer was much less clear.

She bit her lip and swallowed heavily. Four months, she'd been keeping Zachary a secret for four months now. She was surprised she had even been able to last this long but the subject hadn't come up. It wasn't like Cho or Rigsby knew Zachary well, they'd only met him a couple of times after all. But mostly she suspected that no one wanted to mention the subject of children around Jane, not when he'd lost his own daughter.

How much longer could this last though?

That was a question Lisbon couldn't answer but she was prepared to test the limits to find out.

* * *

><p>It took four months after Jane joined the CBI as a consultant that the bullpen was finally redesigned. A week of having to work in the narcotics section was hell, especially since the other agents threatened to put Jane in a cell with a meth addict more than once, but they were all pleased with the changes. The result was a more open bullpen without cubicle walls and Lisbon was especially excited since she got her own private office with glass walls that let her keep an eye on Jane during the day.<p>

Now everyone just had to get back to the process of putting everything back into place. Jane's big contribution was moving the couch back to his spot and lying down. Nothing so unusual there, what was a bit unusual was Lisbon taking an early lunch break…and then being almost an hour late from it. Rigsby and Cho didn't look concerned which meant either they hadn't noticed how late their boss was or they knew something Jane didn't.

And that was unacceptable.

Rigsby was a fair target, so Jane stepped over to the agent's desk and pretended that he was more interested in his tea than anything else. "Lisbon's been gone awhile," Jane pointed out, as if he was just making idle conversation.

"She said she'd probably be late," Rigsby replied simply. He was looking through stacks of paperwork searching for something, probably some report he'd mislaid. The man wasn't known for organization.

But it was news to Jane. "She knew she wouldn't be here on time."

Rigsby shrugged. "I think she had to do something with Zachary."

Now he was really confused. He would know if Lisbon had a man in her life, she wasn't very good at hiding her emotions and right now her whole demeanor made it clear not only was she single but she wasn't interested in changing that fact anytime soon.

So who was Zachary?

"Who is this Zachary?" Jane asked, genuinely curious. He knew her brothers were up in Chicago still and none of them were named Zachary.

Rigsby stopped was he was doing and looked up at Jane. "You don't know about Zachary?"

"The fact that I am asking who he is should answer that question," Jane pointed out. He glanced over to see that Cho was staring at him too. But the other agent looked dismayed, but not surprised. What did he know?

"Zachary is Lisbon's kid."

Jane was stunned for many reasons. The first of which was the fact that Lisbon was able to hide something like this from him for so long. He hadn't had an inkling that there was a child in her life, not even a hint. It was inexcusable that he had missed all of that…unless he hadn't wanted to see it.

"She has a son?" Jane asked, still trying to process all of this. There was another reason why he was so shocked, and it had little to do with him not knowing. There was really only one reason for why she would not want him to know about her son.

He met Rigsby's eyes, completely serious. "How old is he?"

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Lisbon was smiling when she stepped off the elevator. She was thrilled that she had been able to keep her promise to her son and see his kindergarten production of _The Sea_ with Zachary wearing a cardboard costume of a jellyfish singing "I Wish I Could Be a Jellyfish". It was adorable and hokey but she'd beamed with pride watching her son happily belt out the silly lyrics at the top of his lungs. Afterwards she'd treated him to lunch at his favorite pizza place before bringing him home so he could spend the rest of the afternoon with his nanny.

Now she was back ready to spend the day with boring paperwork and until it was finally time to go home. She glanced into the bullpen and waved at Rigsby and Cho on her way to her office, noting the still empty desk where their new agent would be. She needed to go over some of those new recruits, maybe even look into the women. The team had enough testosterone as it was.

Lisbon opened her office door and walked inside but was startled when she saw Jane standing behind her desk. He had the bottom drawer open and he had taken every single picture, toy, and drawing of Zachary's and laid them all out on her desk. He was looking over all of them methodically when she walked in, then he met her eyes. "You have a son?"

She stared at him for a minute, noting the shock, anger…and guilt in his eyes. Then she turned and shut the office door, turning the lock and closing the blinds so that they had complete privacy. Then she looked back at him again. "Yes…I do." All they could do was stare at him for a moment. She wasn't a fool; she knew that Jane had to have seen the resemblance between himself and Zachary. He knew. He knew that Zachary was his son.

"Jane, before you say anything…"

"Are you seriously going to give me an excuse for why you did not tell me about my son?"

She leveled her gaze with him. "You know exactly why I didn't tell you. What exactly was I supposed to do? Call up your house and tell your wife that I was carrying her husband's child? How do you think that would have gone?"

Jane didn't seem to like that scenario…but he didn't accept it either. "You should have told me. I have a son, I had the right to know he existed."

"What would you have done? Spent time with two families? Would we see you on the weekend while you spent the week in Malibu?" She glared at him angrily, "I might have been your mistress once upon a time but I damn well wasn't going to be your kept woman too."

"So you just decided to not tell me? You just leave and what? Hope I never figure it out?" Jane shook his head, thoroughly disgusted that he hadn't been informed about his child, especially when it was clear she'd never intended to. "Tell me if Red John hadn't destroyed me would you have ever told me about my son? Or for that fact would you have ever told him about me?"

Lisbon chose to be honest. "No, I wouldn't have told you. I didn't want to break up your family and… and he already knows about you."

Jane was surprised by that, for a minute he was calm and looked a little afraid. "What have you told him about me?"

"Well I didn't tell him you were married if that is what you are wondering." Lisbon snapped, she knew exactly what he was worried about. "I told him that I met you, that you had to go away and that you weren't going to come back."

"Well you got some things wrong."

She rolled her eyes. "I couldn't have predicted that you would show up here, that we would work together."

He glared at her; it had been a long time since she'd seen anyone so angry. "Yeah sorry that I messed up your plans to raise our son. No offense but my life didn't turn out the way I wanted it to also or have you forgotten?"

And Lisbon just snapped. "Of course I haven't forgotten! Why do you think I kept this from you now? Yes he is your son but a son conceived from an affair...that you hate yourself for having, don't deny it. Can you look at Zach and not think about what you did? Will you be able to live with that guilt and be a father?"

She shook her head. "I'm not so sure you can. You are living in a motel room, sleeping on an old couch and completely devoting your life to finding the serial killer who murdered your wife and child... do you really want him? Do you really want this reminder of what you did? If you can honestly tell me that you will be able to look at my son and not focus on his conception...then maybe I was wrong...but I doubt it."

Jane was actually quiet through her little rant. She was afraid that maybe she'd cut too deep…but she hadn't said anything that wasn't the truth either. He looked down at one of her pictures of Zachary and he pressed his lips into a firm line. "I don't know," he admitted, meeting her eyes again. "I don't know if I can."

Lisbon nodded her head numbly. "Then you can see why I didn't tell you…if you can't be his father then you didn't need to know."

He shook his head. "I…I don't know what to do right now. I didn't think…I had no idea."

"You can take your time and think about it," Lisbon offered, "but I don't want Zachary to be hurt. So don't try to be his father…unless you are absolutely sure."

She knew that day would almost certainly never come. Jane didn't want to be a father again, especially not to the son that was conceived while he was married to his now dead wife. He was removing himself from anything that could make him happy, that included an actual home and new clothing. A new child definitely did not fit that plan.

Jane swallowed and looked back at the photograph of their son, he stared at it for a moment before finally stepping away. "He is a beautiful boy," Jane said as he moved past her.

She stayed where she was, didn't even turn around when she heard Jane turn the lock and finally leave her office. Finally she moved over to her desk and let out a sight but was surprised when she realized that there were tears falling down her cheeks.

She didn't know why she was crying, this is what she wanted. She didn't want Jane to be in Zachary's life…but she did want him to want it.

And he didn't. He didn't really want to be in his child's life…and that hurt.

She just wished she knew why it hurt so much.

* * *

><p>Zachary was still riding high from his school production when Lisbon came home, in fact he was still wearing his jellyfish costume. She did what she could to smile as soon as she walked in. "I thought jellyfish lived in the ocean and not our home?"<p>

"They do!" Zachary exclaimed.

"Then why is one standing in my living room?"

He giggled as she helped Zachary take off his little costume and still decided to run around the house like a tiny tornado. Lisbon let him have his fun, provided he didn't destroy anything, while she fixed him a quick dinner. But she knew she was more focused on what had happened earlier that day and less on trying to keep a stiff upper lip for her son.

She watched him eat his dinner; her mind still racing over what had happened…what _could_ happen. Zachary looked so much like him; it was impossible to forget that Jane was his father. And now Jane was aware of that fact too.

Oh God what would happen now?

Jane was so very angry with her for keeping Zachary a secret. But Lisbon didn't regret that, at least not while his wife had been alive. She wasn't even sure if she regretted keeping him a secret afterwards either. That argument with Jane ended with her fears being confirmed, Jane wasn't sure if he wanted to be in Zachary's life.

But she actually could understand it, at least somewhat. Patrick Jane was a broken man focused solely on revenge, not the sort of person that could be a father to anyone, much less the son conceived from an affair. And he was also the same man who told her he regretted everything that came from their affair, did that include Zachary?

"Mommy? Are you sad?"

"What?" Lisbon asked, meeting her son's eyes again.

"You look sad," Zachary told her.

She shook her head. "I just have a lot on my mind right now." That was an understatement but she couldn't just tell her five-year-old that his father had finally learned of his existence.

But Zachary was inquisitive and he didn't accept her blanket excuse. "Mommy, what's wrong?"

Lisbon sighed and ruffled his hair. "A friend of mine is upset about something, it's making me upset. But it will be okay, I promise."

That was a terrible promise to make. Lisbon honestly had no idea if things would work out or not. After all there was no way for her to know what Jane would do or if it would be the best thing for Zachary.

She remembered when she'd told James she was pregnant, how he'd worked hard to convince her to keep the truth away from Jane. His reasoning made sense, it was better if Zachary didn't know about his father, if only to keep him from being hurt. How horrible would it be for Zachary to find out that his father was married to another woman?

It was that shame that convinced her to keep silent, then it felt easier. His family wouldn't be hurt and they could go about their lives. It was easier for her when he didn't know.

For him too.

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As Lisbon spent the night tossing and turning over what had happened, Jane wasn't going to be getting any sleep either. He was reeling from the revelation that he had a son, it had been like a punch in the gut and a blow to the head. If he hadn't seen the pictures himself he wouldn't have believed it.

But he'd known as soon as Rigsby had told him Lisbon had a son. There really wouldn't be any other reason why she would keep Zachary a secret. He hadn't wanted to believe it though, but any vestiges of hope that he was wrong vanished as soon as he saw his photograph. Zachary looked so much like him, so much like Charlotte. It hurt, there was no denying that.

The honest truth was Jane didn't know how he felt about this. He'd spent the past year buried in guilt of the death of his wife and daughter; it was the only thing that he could think of. Revenge and guilt, that was what he breathed in to his lungs, the food he ate and dreams that came to him when he slept. He didn't have the time or the energy to devote to anything else.

When he'd met Teresa Lisbon again, he'd felt the guilt and shame again. He had done what he could to put their affair behind him but he'd had to face it again when he saw her. Over the past few months it had gotten easier to move past it, to recognize that he could focus on simply finding Red John and not on the past sins he'd committed with her.

But now this.

How could he be a father to this boy? What rights did he have? He'd cost his family their lives, he didn't deserve to suddenly have another child, especially not one sprung from a disgusting choice he'd made years before.

Of course none of that was Zachary's fault. He was just a little boy and by the looks of it, he was happy and well loved by his mother. He didn't need anything else.

But did that leave Jane off the hook? He was this boy's father, that came with some responsibilities. That meant he was supposed to care for and love that child, as every father should.

Like he'd failed Charlotte.

The thought of his daughter still filled him was unprecedented pain. He'd loved her but hadn't truly appreciated what a gift being a father was until she was taken from him. He'd caused her death, even if it was indirectly. Just as he'd done with his wife.

He'd betrayed Angela six years before and then let a serial killer take her life. He couldn't just move on from her. Couldn't just reap rewards from betraying his marriage and her trust. Good wasn't supposed to come from sin.

But abandoning his child felt wrong too.

Zachary deserved better than a father who couldn't look at him. He also deserved a father who hadn't hurt so many people, a father who could actually devote himself to being a father. Lisbon had asked him if he would be able to put his son before his revenge, before the guilt of his birth and Jane had answered honestly.

He didn't know.

He still didn't know. In fact the only thing he did know was that Zachary deserved much more than that.

And perhaps that was his answer.

* * *

><p><em> It was dark in the bullpen of the SFPD homicide unit but Lisbon didn't care that she was burning the midnight oil this time. She didn't want to go home, didn't want to go and sleep in her bed when she knew exactly where her mind would wander. God, kissing him had been a mistake, a big mistake. For one he was an ass, for another he was married. <em>_Married_. _He was off limits by any definition of the word._

_ So why couldn't she stop thinking about that kiss? Why couldn't she stop fantasizing that he would show up at her apartment in the middle of the night and carry her to her bed? And it didn't stop there, it went on till she was quivering and throbbing with unfulfilled desire. She'd been tempted to go to a bar and find a random hookup, anyone to satisfy this itch that badly needed to be scratched…but Lisbon also knew that there was really only one person she wanted to help her with that problem._

_ But Patrick Jane was married. Married. Married. Married. Hopefully the more she repeated it then it would eventually sink in and she would stop wanting him._

_ "Friday night and no hot date?" Lisbon jumped as soon as she heard Patrick's voice and she glared at him. He just smiled smugly back at her. _

_ "I'm working."_

_ "Close to midnight? Oh there are only two reasons for that; one involves an incredibly important break through in an equally important case. Judging from the fact that this place currently resembles Siberia, I'll have to go with option two which is that you are here because you don't want to go home and be thinking things you really shouldn't."_

_ Damn the man was good. "Did a ghost tell you that?" Lisbon asked sarcastically, realizing belatedly that she was inadvertently confirming his guess._

_ But he smiled some more and shook his head. "No need for sarcasm, Teresa. We both know why you are here."_

_ "Then why are _you_ here?" she asked him._

_ To her surprise he actually sobered up a bit. "I'm someplace I shouldn't be…but I can't stay away."_

_ Lisbon stared at him, completely stunned by his confession, her eyes wide and her heart beat in her ears. That same rhythm picked up speed as he leaned over her desk, now only a breath away from her. "You should…stay away, I mean," she stammered out, unable to look away from his eyes._

_ "Yes…but here I am."_

_ She backed a little away from him, moving her chair back. "You should leave."_

_ "Why?"_

_ "Because you said so yourself," she reminded him, "you shouldn't be here."_

_ "I was never one to play by the rules."_

_ "These aren't playground rules," she hissed, standing to her feet and grabbing her briefcase. "These are vows and…and I don't want to be that woman. I don't. I don't. I don't!" She punctuated each 'I don't' by throwing in something from her desk, her paperwork, her pen…then her paperweight which was really dumb since she wasn't supposed to bring that with her._

_ But he was still leaning up against the desk, still being casual about this. "That kiss proved otherwise."_

_ Lisbon stopped what she was doing, a flood of guilt rushing through her. That was true, she had kissed him. She'd kissed a married man…but she hadn't slept with him. That was one line she hadn't crossed._

_ "That was a mistake," she said tightly "A big mistake! One that will not be repeated ever again."_

_ "Really? Your mind is telling you that while your heart is telling you something else." He stepped closer to her so he was standing scant inches away from her and lowered his voice "What is that you really want, Teresa?"_

_ She stared into his eyes, realizing they were more of a light green than a blue like she'd once assumed. God he smelled amazing and every part of her body begged to have him, to taste him, to give in to her urges._

_ It took a lot of will power for her to step back and shake her head. "No. Stop. We can't do this."_

_ Then she turned and all but ran away from him, hurrying in her desire to flee and escape this temptation._

_ But the bastard had to follow her. "Teresa! Stop! Wait!"_

_ She hit the elevator button five times; as if that would make it arrive faster but of course he caught up with her. "I don't think this is something we are going to be able to run from," he insisted._

_ "Well we have to." She made the mistake of looking back at him again and saw that he was giving her such an intense stare, as if the only thing that truly mattered to him at the moment…was her. _

_ The elevator dinged and doors opened and they still remained in a gridlocked gaze until finally one word slipped through her lips. "Patrick…"_

_ Perhaps that was what did, her saying his first name in the quiet hushed whisper. He stepped forward and pulled her against him and they were making a mistake again._

_ He tasted even better the second time around and she knew it wouldn't take much for her to become completely addicted to him. This wasn't a slow tender kiss but a frantic one created by passion and anger. She backed up into the elevator as the doors closed behind them and they were alone inside of the metal box._

_ She barely noticed as the lift began to move but Jane did. He untangled one of his hands from her hair to reach over and press the emergency stop button, maybe because he didn't want either one of them escaping. It didn't matter…she knew there was no stopping them now._

_ He pressed her up against the elevator wall, hands roaming along her sides until they found her hips and she was lifted up so she could wrap her legs around his waist…and feel how much he really wanted this. She didn't even care that she was about to have sex with Muzak piping over the outdated sound system; she just wanted to keep feeling this._

_ She moaned when he nuzzled her neck while he began to undo the buttons of her blouse and then lift up her bra to reveal her breasts to his gaze. First there was just his warm breath against her hot skin, then he leaned into taste one rosy tip and she groaned, digging her fingernails into his scalp to press him even closer._

_ Lisbon was panting with lust when she realized he was reaching behind him to peel her legs from around him. She felt bereft and was suddenly afraid that he was going to end this…when she was beyond the point of wanting that. But then she heard the sound of his belt clicking and then him unzipping his pants._

_ His hands were steady when he reached over to slip that one button on her slacks and slowly lower her zipper before sliding her pants and then her panties down her hips. She was trembling now as he lifted her up again, the elevator wall feeling cool against her bare skin but that thought didn't last long, not when she felt the crown of him nudge her folds._

_ A whimper escaped her lips, a whimper that turned into a cry when he sheathed himself inside of her._

_ She clutched his shoulders at the incredible feeling of being filled by him, she opened her eyes to see he was looking right into hers…and saw nothing but pure pleasure on his face. Then he began to move, thrusting a fast, hard rhythm that matched the passion they were sharing._

_ When she wasn't crying out she was moaning with every thrust that sent shockwaves of pleasure through her. He was moaning too; until he leaned down to suckle one of her breasts again._

_ The pleasure was mounting higher and higher, this wasn't about making love on end, this was scratching that itch that had been festering between them for days. It wasn't about lasting; it was an explosion of lust._

_ "Oh God," she gasped, "Oh God, Oh God, Oh God." One more deep thrust and she felt that bubble burst in her stomach and waves of heat washed over her in a climax that made her toes curl. She shook with each aftershock, each one almost as intense as her orgasm while he continued to thrust inside of her, milking her release again and again until finally he gasped her name and she felt the warmth of his seed filling her._

_ There was nothing but the sound of them panting for air and the elevator music still bubbling through the speakers. She was still shaking when she unwrapped her legs from around his waist, stumbling a little on her unsteady feet. Lisbon reached down to grab her pants and underwear, still in shock over what had just happened._

_ "I've never done that before," she said, her voice sounding so soft to her ears._

_ "Had sex in an elevator?" He asked as he tucked his shirt back into his pants and zipped them up again._

_ That wasn't what she meant but she numbly nodded her head._

_ Jane smiled at her and flicked the stop button off so the elevator could start moving again. "Well there is a first time for everything."_

_ She stared at him while the lift continued it's descent and realized that he was implying this was not the only time that this was going to happen between them._

_ Dear God she'd just had sex with a married man…and worse…_

_ She wanted to do it again._

* * *

><p>The night had been fretful for Lisbon. She hated what had happened between her and Jane, that wasn't the way he should have found out that he had a son. Though she wished he hadn't found out at all.<p>

He'd been upset, that was obvious but Lisbon wasn't sure if he was as angry with her as he was with the situation. She didn't regret keeping Zachary a secret, she'd done enough damage to Jane's marriage by sleeping with him, telling him that he had a child during that time would have completely destroyed it probably.

It was that fuzzy area between that was the problem, those four months after he'd come back into her life, now single and broken that she felt a little guilty over. Just a little. She wasn't convinced he could be a father even though there wasn't anything standing between them now.

His confession yesterday had only strengthened those fears.

She made her way to her office, noting that Jane was absent from the bullpen, that wasn't entirely unusual, especially if he was avoiding her. Lisbon made her way to her office and opened the door, immediately realizing something was different…but it took her a moment to figure out what it was.

Her pictures of Zachary were back up on her desk, his drawings were taped up to the wall behind her and his clay handprint rested on top of her files. It was exactly as it should be…but she hadn't put any of it back.

"I think your office looks better this way." Lisbon turned to see that Jane was standing in her doorway, a very soft smile on her face.

"Why did you do this?"

He shrugged. "Well obviously you don't need to hide that you have a son anymore. You should have all of this on display, you're proud of him and you should be."

"I am," Lisbon told him, "He's…he's incredible. So smart and active, all he does is run around and get into trouble, a lot like my brothers and…and well you know." She gestured to him, her cheeks coloring a little, she knew that Zachary's impishness came not just from her brothers but from Jane as well.

She looked at him, the elephant in the room was impossible to avoid right now. "Jane…I…I don't know what you want to do about this. I know we both said some things yesterday…"

"I was angry," Jane interrupted, "I still am a little…but I know why you did it and I understand that you thought it was the best thing to do. Maybe it was, I don't know. But you did what you thought was best for your son."

She nodded her head. "Yes I did."

"That is what is important," Jane continued, "whatever is best for Zachary…and I'm not sure if that is me."

Lisbon felt that sharp pain again. It hurt to have her child be rejected like this, he could love his wife's child but not hers. No it wasn't a fair characterization but none of this was fair. "This isn't about you," Jane told her quickly, "Or him. This is me, my failings. I…I'm broken, I'm broken and I'm not sure if I can be fixed. And I don't want Zachary to be hurt by any of it."

"Neither do I," Lisbon replied softly. "So you are probably right to stay out of this. If you can't be certain that you will be what he needs then we shouldn't risk it."

Jane took a step forward, looking into her eyes. "If there is anything you need, anything—."

"I don't want your money, Jane," Lisbon cut him off.

"Lisbon…"

"I can take care of my son on my own, I've been doing it for the past six years."

"And you've done an admirable job," Jane told her, "Really. I'm just offering, things happen sometimes and it can't be easy raising a child on one income."

"He has everything he needs," she said, a little sharper than she intended.

He held up his hand in surrender. "Fair enough…but the offer still stands." She just nodded and moved to sit down at her desk while Jane remained where he was. When she looked over at him, she saw that he was almost wistful. "He is beautiful," Jane told her again, "whatever mistakes we made…he wasn't one of them."

A warmth washed over her from those words, a sense of peace she hadn't really expected. Jane gave her another smile before leaving her alone in her office again. Her emotions were now all over the place because she was sad that Jane didn't want to be in her son's life, relieved that the complications of Jane being in her son's life were no longer going to happen and thrilled by the fact that Jane was not angry he had created another child.

It was all so confusing and somehow, Lisbon knew that it wasn't as simple as she thought it was going to be.

* * *

><p>- <em>Lisbon went straight home from the office without another word to Patrick Jane. Her mind was buzzing with so many different thoughts that she couldn't focus on any of them. Guilt, regret, joy, passion, anger…she felt all of those at once.<em>

_ So she made it home and headed straight for her bathroom, stripping out of her clothes so she could stand under the hot water. She could still smell him. Feel him. It was engrained in her mind now._

_ A tear slid down her cheek, then another, until she was sitting underneath the shower spray sobbing._

_ What had she done?_

_ Well she knew the answer to that, she'd slept with a married man. It was wrong, so wrong, how could she have ever let it get that far._

_ But when she thought about the way his hands had stroked her skin, the way it felt to kiss him, or even just the smile that lit up his whole face. She felt it again. That rush, that passion that she was already addicted to._

_ So under the water from her shower she alternated between giggling and crying, feeling the excitement of a lover and the overwhelming shame of being a betrayer. It was so confusing. Right and wrong was easy to define but harder to live with._

_ Patrick had said that they couldn't avoid this. He was right, but perhaps this was like watching as an oncoming train came barreling towards them. And here she was glued to the tracks._

_ Finally she stood up and grabbed her body wash so she could erase the scent of him from her body. The memories would never go away. Neither would the question going through her mind._

_ What now?_

* * *

><p>AN: So the affair has officially begun in the past and Jane finally knows that he has a son. But obviously it isn't easy for him to live with that truth and you'll see him continue to struggle with that choice in the future. I hope you guys stick around to see what happens next!


	5. Memories Don't Fade

Disclaimer: I own nothing

A/N: Sorry guys for the wait but I'm literally at a conference typing this from my hotel lobby. I'm so glad everyone loved chapter 4 and I'm really excited for what you guys think of this chapter. Yes the affair has actually started and things are only going to escalate from here. Now Jane knows about his son, but how will he be able to live with that knowledge. That's the important question.

* * *

><p>Chapter 5: Memories Don't Fade<p>

Things were still rather awkward for Jane and Lisbon, even after the decisions were made. Still they weren't terrible, they could still work together and talk like two normal people. It was just something you noticed if you paid careful attention, if you noticed the subtle nuances of two people that were trying really hard to avoid being alone with each other.

Jane was better at it than Lisbon, but not much, especially since he was a bit more troubled by the events that had taken place than she was. After all she'd had several years to get used to the fact of having a son by an affair, Jane wasn't so lucky. He'd assumed that he would be able to simply move past their relationship both professionally and personally, but Zachary complicated everything.

He couldn't just ignore the fact that he had a son. Just like he couldn't ignore how his son came to be. It was so difficult to separate Zachary from the affair, even more difficult to think about what happened without feeling anything but shame. It hurt to think about what he'd done, it hurt to think about Zachary.

Lisbon had similar thoughts, not in regards to Zachary; rather she understood how he could come to this state of mind. She wasn't entirely sure how to feel though; it was a relief that Zachary's life wasn't going to change. But she also felt a little insulted that Jane hadn't even tried or really even considered being in Zachary's life.

Was there something wrong with her? Or was it just because their son was from an affair that made Jane reject any notion of being with him? She thought about that for the past week since he had learned the truth and had simply decided to accept what was.

She was hurrying to go home, running late after budget meeting that ran over. The elevator door was closing and she picked up pace. "Hold the elevator!"

The occupant was kind enough to do so and she all but leapt into the elevator. "Thank you so much…oh," she said in surprise when she saw that it was Jane.

"Don't sound too disappointed," Jane said, his voice was light but not quite teasing. They weren't back to that yet.

"I'm not," Lisbon insisted, "I'm just surprised you're still here."

The elevator slowed suddenly and Lisbon assumed that they were stopping at another floor until the doors remained shut. "What the hell?" She murmured and tried pushing the buttons, then frantically pounding on them. "Oh no, you stupid machine! Don't do this again."

"I think it's stuck."

"It better not be!" Lisbon replied, "The last time this happened Frank was stuck in the elevator all freaking night!"

"Well at least we have good company."

"This isn't funny," Lisbon told him, "I have to get home! Zachary is going to be wondering where I am and Linda can't just spend the night!"

"Who's Linda?"

"His part-time nanny," she explained, "I can't have Daniel's parents watching him every weekend."

"Who's Daniel?"

"Zachary's best friend." It took her a second to realize she was telling all of this to Jane. She wasn't sure if it was more awkward that he wanted to know or that he didn't even know basic facts about his son.

Jane simply nodded as if nothing was wrong at all before taking a seat on the floor, his back resting against the wall. "Might as well sit down," Jane told her, "We might be here for a while."

She shook her head in frustration before finally sliding over to sit across from him. She looked over at Jane, musing about how annoying it was to be stuck with him. But her mind quickly traveled down another road. This one was long and full of twists, ending in the destination she always fell back to and the one she hated to revisit.

Pressed against that elevator wall, hot skin against skin. The Muzak not loud enough drown out the sound to zippers being undone and the moans of heady desire. She flushed hot just at the memory of it and her body always responded to the most passionate memories in her life.

Lisbon looked up to meet Jane's eyes, stunned to see cold anger in them. "Stop thinking that."

"What?"

"Stop it now."

This time she wasn't flustered, no; anger came rushing out as she regained her backbone. "You can't control what I think! We're stuck in an elevator together! I can't help it if the first thing I think of is a memory we both want to forget!"

Jane's jaw was set and she knew he was still upset. But he surprised her again. "How did you find out about Zachary?"

She stared at him, slightly stunned. "What?"

"How did you find out you were having Zachary?"

"Why do you want to know?"

"Well I figure it's a good way to get you to think about something else," Jane told her. But he looked away and his voice softened. "And I want to know."

She met his eyes and saw nothing but sincerity there; she couldn't just turn down something so simple and sweet. "The normal way," Lisbon told him, "I was late, I took a test, I threw up in the toilet and finally believed it."

Her poor attempt at humor at least elicited a small smile. But there was a little more to the story. "After we…after _it_ ended, I told my priest, Father McKenzie."

"Wanted absolution from God?"

"It isn't a joke," Lisbon told him harshly, "I wanted forgiveness for what I had done. My priest told me that God would show me the path to forgiveness, that I had to wait and watch….then I found out I was pregnant." She shook her head. "He was the first person I told."

"God?"

Now she did give Jane an annoyed looked. "My priest," she corrected him. "I was so freaked out and scared, I thought God was punishing me. But he said that this was my test, that this was God's way of forgiving me. That I would raise my child in his light, just as David and Bathsheba had Solomon."

"Yes but God also killed their first son."

Lisbon groaned in exasperation. "Fine, if not God then why do you think Zachary came to be?"

"I think Zachary was conceived because you and I threw caution to the wind and copulated like rabbits."

Lisbon glared at him. "That isn't what I meant and you know it." Still she was entirely exasperated with him. "Then what is your theory about Zachary's existence?"

"I think it doesn't matter the whys or the hows," Jane told her, "He's here. That's all that truly matters."

She leaned her head back against the wall of the elevator. "I can't regret any of it. I can wish it happened another way, wish that you weren't married…but I can't regret that I had my son."

"As it should be," Jane agreed.

But another question came to mind. "Do you?"

Jane was quiet for a long time, too long. "I…," he began but then shook his head. "I can't answer that. I won't."

"Because you don't want to hurt my feelings?"

"Because I can't possibly make that choice," Jane told her, "If I say no then I'm betraying my family again, if I say yes then I'm wishing Zachary had never been born. Neither one of those is right."

She looked away, words slipping from her lips. "Zachary is your son…that means he's your family too."

Jane didn't look quite as certain as she was. "Biologically, yes…but…"

"If you say another word I swear I'll shoot you."

He held up a hand to calm her down. "You know this isn't about Zachary. But you said it yourself last week…it's too soon for me to have another family, especially under these circumstances."

"You mean the fact that your son was conceived from an affair."

"Yes."

Lisbon looked at the ceiling, blinking away tears. "It isn't fair to Zachary, it isn't fair that we screwed up and he gets hurt by it."

"He only gets hurt if you tell him the truth."

"He asks about his father sometimes," Lisbon explained, "and I know he wants to be like his friends, he deserves to have a real family."

"And he has one," Jane told her, "he has you and your brothers."

"That'll have to be enough," Lisbon agreed, "because I don't want to risk my son's heart, not when you don't feel like you can do the job."

Jane actually looked a little hurt himself. "I'm not proud of my failings."

"I'm not thrilled with mine as well," Lisbon admitted, "But we made a choice six years ago. We have to pay for it…and unfortunately Zachary does too."

He looked like he was ready to say something, maybe about their son, maybe about hoping that things would eventually change. But the elevator kicked back into life and they both jumped to their feet. "Thank God," she murmured as she anxiously watched the buttons light up until they reached the ground floor.

"Might want to put in a memo to Minelli to get this thing fixed," Jane commented dryly.

"First thing tomorrow," Lisbon agreed. She met his eyes briefly. "Good night, Jane."

Jane paused and held her gaze. "Good night, Lisbon…and take care of him."

A bit of warmth filled her heart when she saw how much he meant that small gesture. Jane might not know what he wanted with their son but he definitely wanted only what was best. "I will."

She headed towards her car feeling overwhelmed by the conversation that had taken place, like her feelings had been scrubbed raw. First with Jane snapping at her for remembering the first time they had sex, to distracting her with questions and finally an honest conversation about their situation.

It wasn't getting any easier, Lisbon knew that well. But she also knew that this was far from over.

* * *

><p><em>Lisbon spent most of the day following her elevator sexscapade with Patrick trying not to think about the fact that she'd slept with a married man. She'd gone home after the incident and showered immediately, wanting to cry as the hot water fell over body and washed away all traces of him. But she hadn't. The guilt was there; in some ways it was worse because she felt guilty for not feeling guilty enough.<em>

_ She kept going back in forth between reminding herself that what she had done was very, very wrong and trying to come up with excuses for why it wasn't. He'd been a full participant, he wasn't drunk. He'd wanted it just as much as she had. That wasn't the sign of a good marriage. Maybe he was unhappy. Maybe they both were. Maybe his wife was having an affair too. Maybe they would be getting a divorce. _

_ Maybe she was kidding herself._

_ Patrick Jane was not helping with her thoughts. He was still working the case with them, still smiling at her, still coming to stand far too close to her and driving her crazy with his presence. He made it clear he wanted her again…and she'd spent most of the day avoiding him instead._

_ Well no more. She was going to tell him that it was all a mistake, that he was going to stop chasing her. If he wanted to forget about his marriage then he would have to pick another woman because it was not going to be her._

_ She banged on his hotel room door, embarrassed that she even knew which hotel he was at. But Patrick didn't seem all that surprised when he opened the door. He had taken off his jacket and tie; three buttons were loose on his shirt giving her a peek at his chest. He certainly didn't get that ripped from palm reading, he must work out for the benefit of the cameras, either way it was distracting. _

_ "I knew you were going to come," he told her with a slight smirk._

_ Lisbon stiffened then, bristling with embarrassment and anger. "Do you know why I am here?"_

_ "You want to tell me off, that our rendezvous in the elevator was a mistake and that it won't be repeated again." Patrick told her knowingly, but stepped forward and she felt his warmth again. "But your plans are going to fall apart."_

_ She blinked; the power of his presence was already weakening her resolve. "Oh really?" She wanted to be firm but her voice wavered at the end…almost hopeful. God what was wrong with her?_

_ Patrick nodded, moving even closer. "Because the real reason you are here is because you can't stay away."_

_ That statement alone sent her heart racing, the idea of feeling his fingertips over her skin, the taste of his kiss…he was right, she did want that again. But it was wrong, he was married. She shook her head but couldn't step away. "We can't do this, I don't want to be this."_

_ "You think I do?" He asked her, his voice low and husky. "The difference is that I know we can't help the way we feel." He reached up to gently cup her cheek, his thumb brushing over her lips, making her want to melt right into the floor._

_ "It doesn't make it right," she reminded him, her body was screaming to just do it anyways._

_ "I know," He replied. "But do you care?"_

_ She managed to look into his eyes, wanting to say one answer but speaking another. "Yes."_

_ Patrick smiled and leaned over her. "Liar," he whispered and pressed his lips to hers._

_ This time she didn't fight him, this time she gave in and welcomed his kiss, his touch as if he was actually hers. He pulled her into the room, pressing her against the now closed door so he could deepen their passion. It was heady and fast but it didn't reach that frenzy that they'd had in the elevator. This was slower, softer…like they were savoring._

_ She closed her eyes and buried her fingers into his soft curls while he trailed gentle kiss down the line of her jaw then to the warm skin of her throat. He nuzzled the spot just below her ear before pulling back a little. His breath was hot in her face and she stared into his dark turbulent eyes as she felt his fingertips start to undo the buttons on her blouse._

_ Patrick pulled the shirt from her shoulders and quickly did the same with her bra, now bare from the waist up he pulled her back into his arms. His lips on hers sent her mind spinning again, some how she wound up on his hotel room bed, his beautiful figure looming over her. He kissed her again; drugging her with his sinful taste while his hands slowly roamed her body, learning every line and curve of her. She'd never felt worshipped like this, not by any man._

_ His hands ghosted over her flat stomach, she trembled at his touch while he tucked his fingers into her waistband. She actually whimpered, as close as she could come to begging him to go on. He smiled against her skin and finally began to undo her jeans._

_ But he wouldn't hurry; he slowly peeled the jeans from her legs, running his hand over the skin he exposed from her soft inner thigh to her slim ankle. Her legs were practically shaking when he reached up again and found her cotton panties, now damp with her own desire. Jane repeated the same process with that article of clothing, driving her slowly mad with lust._

_ Finally she was completely bare before him, like a present he had unwrapped just for his own pleasure. For a long moment all he did was look at her, as if memorizing her, committing every part of her to memory._

_ "Patrick," she whispered, her voice so soft she hardly heard it._

_ He smiled down at her, leaning over to give her a gentle kiss before pulling back and moving down the bed, his hands at her waist. She felt that tension coil up in her stomach as she realized what he was planning to do._

_ His fingertips glided along the heated skin of her inner thigh, skimming closer to the warm wet center that was aching for him. Then he found it, gently tracing her opening with feather light touches, sending sparks skittering through her veins. That was nothing compared to when he pushed in, first one finger and then two, slowly pushing in and out, making her groan with from the white hot fire this feeling. All she could do was grab his shoulders and hold on._

_ And then his touch was gone. She opened her eyes to glare him back into finishing, only to watch him dip down to taste her. She fell back against the cool sheets with a low moan, his dexterous fingers parting her in order to continue his sensual ministrations. Damn he was good, knowing exactly how to draw out her pleasure and when he needed to move faster until she was clutching the sheets with her fingers and crying out._

_ He pulled back before she could crash over the edge and she almost cursed at him for that. But she forgave him as soon as she felt him molding his body on top of hers, nothing but skin on skin._

_ This time she got to enjoy the vision of naked Patrick Jane, she got to run her hands over his chest, to sink her nails into his back and maybe pretend that for the moment he was actually hers. But she couldn't think about who he belonged to, not when she could feel him entering her._

_ The feeling was so much better this time; it almost made her black out. Slowly, inch by agonizing inch, until he was fully sheathed inside of her. Then he stopped and stayed still, letting them both take in this moment where they could just feel one another. He looked into her eyes and Lisbon realized she'd never felt something like this before, something so much more powerful than anything she could have dreamed of…it frightened her. But it was also exhilarating._

_ Finally neither one of them could stand it any longer and he slowly began to move, starting a strong rhythm that she perfectly matched. It didn't take long for the fire he'd already ignited to start blazing fierce and hot. She wrapped her legs around her waist to make him go even deeper, both of them groaning at that intense feeling._

_ He quickened his pace then, leaning down to take one rosy tipped breast into his mouth while her fingertips glided down his now sweat slickened back. She felt that tightening in her abdomen and it spread out from her core, through her limbs until finally she felt the spring release and she tumbled over the edge._

_ The waves of her orgasm just kept on cresting as he continued to pound into her until she suddenly felt it start again. The second climax was even more intense, causing her to actually cry out to release some of that tension. The pressure of her walls clenching around him again was enough to finally break his stamina._

_ The warmth of his release filled her, making her shudder several times with almost equally intense aftershocks until finally both of them were wrung out. They stayed in each other's arms for a long while, just trying to catch their breaths and continue to pretend that this wasn't wrong. Then Patrick kissed her sweetly and rolled off of her, but he didn't go far._

_ She wouldn't look at him though, without his kiss, clarity was beginning to sink in…not that she could work herself quite up to regret yet. That could come in the morning, for now her body was too damn satisfied to care._

_ Patrick reached over to the bedside table and she finally turned to watch him take a cigarette out of an almost full pack. He flicked a lighter and lit the cigarette, taking a long full drag. A fitting cliché: adulterous sex and cigarettes. She was a bit surprised he smoked and had a feeling that he didn't do it often. She could imagine his wife forbidding it, so he waited till he was out of town to indulge in a secretive habit every so often._

_ She hadn't smoked since college, quitting quickly because she knew it wasn't good for her and that was always her mantra. Of course here she was lying in bed with another woman's husband so look what the straight and narrow life had led her._

_ Lisbon reached over to take the cigarette from him so she could put her to her lips and indulge in another thing that was bad for her. She had a terrible feeling that Patrick Jane was going to become another bad habit she would struggle to break._

_ At this point, she wasn't sure if she could._

* * *

><p>Many things had preyed on Jane's mind since the unfortunate incident of being stuck in the elevator with Lisbon. He had tried everything he could to avoid such interactions, not because she was bad company (she wasn't) but the memories and the tensions that arose from those memories were best avoided. When she remembered something from their affair her eyes would turn that dark flashing green and it was distracting, he couldn't allow himself any distractions now.<p>

He could put Zachary into that list but Jane didn't want to do the boy that injustice. He was his son even if Jane had made the decision that it would be best for everyone involved if he stayed out of his life. He told himself after the fact that it would be easier to focus on revenge if he didn't have another child in his life, but Jane was beginning to thing that it actually was more difficult this way. His curiosity about his son was getting in the way of things, he found himself wanting to know more. Which is why he'd distracted Lisbon from her memories by asking her about Zachary, it had succeeded beautifully.

At least they were succeeding at keeping their private problems out of the office. Rigsby and Cho were none the wiser that their boss and their consultant had a history together, they just assumed any weirdness between them was because he'd pissed Lisbon off. Jane could admit that it was a real possibility that would happen.

But they tried to be all business so when a case came up they worked diligently on it, even when it led to a stakeout that occurred in the late afternoon. Jane decided to actually stick with Lisbon in her car instead of avoiding her, mostly because he would have been left with Rigsby and being stuck in a car with the smell of greasy fast food didn't appeal to him.

Lisbon was completely silent, just took a sip of coffee every now and then while she quietly waited for their suspect to emerge. Jane was just bored. So he started whistling.

But Lisbon really didn't like that. "Stop that," she snapped.

"Why?"

"Because we aren't on _Jeopardy_," she replied, mocking the show's theme he'd been whistling.

"_Jeopardy_ would be a lot more exciting then this."

"Yes it would but we have to catch the bad guy, not challenge him to a round of trivia questions."

"You never know," Jane told her teasingly, "he might like trivia."

She glared at him as she took another sip of coffee. "If you're so bored, why did you come?"

"Curiosity, last time you didn't let me do the stakeout."

"Last time you were wearing thousand dollar shoes."

"They weren't that expensive," Jane assured her, "and I know that wasn't the only reason."

She blushed and turned away looking out the window, anywhere but at him. "You alone with me in a car? That was a bad idea."

He knew she was merely thinking about them being on a stakeout at first but he saw the wheels in her head turn. It didn't take long for her mind to travel back down a familiar road, right after his short testimony for the grand jury when she offered him a ride that ended with them sneaking underneath an abandoned bridge so she could straddle him in the passenger seat.

And that only served to make him angry.

"You need to stop thinking of that," Jane told her sternly.

She colored an even darker shade of umber. "So you're reading my mind now?"

"When you are thinking about when we had sex in your car, then yes."

"I told you before, you can't control my mind or my thoughts."

"You can," Jane replied firmly, "so start controlling it and stop thinking about things that are best left in the past."

"What past?" Lisbon asked. "How are we supposed to separate what we did when we work together? And Zachary?"

Jane was quiet for a moment as he considered her question. "We don't have to address our past in the office if you would prefer."

"We don't have a personal life," Lisbon reminded him.

"Then we shouldn't have a problem."

She groaned and hit her forehead against the steering wheel a couple of times. "I want…God I just want things to be easier. Like they were, before you found out about Zachary."

Jane shrugged. "They will be, once we get used to this new situation that we are in."

"How can we possibly get used to having a child together?"

"The same way we managed to get past the idea of being coworkers who'd had a brief affair," Jane explained. "Time."

Lisbon obviously didn't agree with him. "Is time really going to help? Has it helped us get over the fact that we did something that is unforgiveable?"

She had him there. Jane looked away, out the window where people were mingling on the street, devoid of this issue entirely. He envied them. Finally he sighed and shook his head. "No, but it isn't the same thing. Right now, we aren't doing anything wrong."

Lisbon nodded her head. "All right, that's true."

"So we just focus on what we need to do and let this wound heal."

He could see in her eyes that she was still unsure. That was fine because the truth was that he wasn't sure if he believed the garbage coming out of his mouth either. He also knew that he'd lied, she wasn't doing something wrong but he was. He wasn't taking care of his child, for selfish personal reasons but it was still the truth, even if she understood.

Maybe it was for the best; maybe he was trying to do the right thing for his son when he'd failed his daughter.

But it didn't make it right.

* * *

><p><em>The case wrapped up with a chaotic chase through the streets of San Francisco as the suspect tried to flee. Lisbon managed to catch up to him on fifth and tackled him after a long chase. Jane watched from a distance, obviously very impressed with her athleticism and focus, a focus that was maintained as she shoved the suspect into the car and took him to the police department.<em>

_ He waited at her desk for her to show up, noticing the whispers directed his way but he ignored them. No one had any proof that something had happened between him and Lisbon and that meant the gossip would fade soon. He was leaving in the morning anyways._

_ Lisbon had noticed the gossip too but said nothing, her mantra was to keep her head down and keep working. Not acknowledging it meant that it almost didn't exist. At least her team was kind enough to not ask, not that she would tell them anyways. _

_ The truth was the guilt was getting to her…but not as much as the unanswered question. What happens now?_

_ "Well," Jane asked when she walked up; he was acting entirely casual as if he hadn't spent a sensual night with her. "Did he confess?"_

_ "No," Lisbon had to admit, "But we have him. The D.A. is going to pull up a grand jury in the next few weeks to get charges formally brought against him for the murder, when that happens he might be more willing to cut a deal."_

_ Jane nodded his understanding. "Well we should celebrate then."_

_ She eyed him warily. "Gendry and Perry have left already."_

_ "I know."_

_ Her heart started pounding heavily in her chest. Her mouth went dry just as she felt her stomach flutter and a warm glow began to emanate from her core. Wordlessly she stood up to start gathering her things, all too aware of the man who was standing behind her. The tension was ramping up and they were still in a public place._

_ "Where?" Jane finally asked._

_ She shivered and didn't even think about telling him no, just the first place that came to mind. "My apartment."_

_ Maybe that was a mistake but it was already out there. Maybe she should have named some hotel but her mind was already drawing blanks. But Jane didn't seem fazed by her suggestion. "I'll follow you."_

_ With that he left her to go wait in his own car. They would leave at two different times in two different vehicles._

_ But the gossip still raged on._

_0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0_

_ An hour later she was lying on top of Jane after one vigorous round of sex. They hadn't made it to her bedroom, instead she'd been pushed up against the wall and then down on her living room floor. They were catching their breath while she heard his heart beat slowing down from its fast and erratic rhythm. _

_ She wondered how often his wife did just the same thing but quickly did what she could to ignore that thought. It was too much guilt to face._

_ "So…" she finally managed to speak. "You're leaving tomorrow."_

_ "Yes," Jane said, his voice low and stilted. "The case is over. I have to go home." She knew that, but she couldn't help but wonder if that meant that _they_ were over. She wanted to ask but she didn't have the courage to put her thoughts into actual words._

_ Jane distracted her by turning her head to kiss her thoroughly, turning a gentle kiss into something hot and wet. "Come on," he told her, lifting her off of him. "We need to try a real bed for once."_

_ So she followed him to her bedroom to make another sin in her bed. She took heart in the fact that tomorrow he would be gone but hated the fact that she wished he wouldn't leave._

_ It was better this way. He would leave, go back to his wife and she would go on with her life. Yes they'd made a mistake but nothing more would happen. No one else would know._

_ No real harm would have been done._

* * *

><p>Lisbon was packing to go home after another successful case; she was going home at a decent hour, which was a big plus. Maybe she would have time to read Zachary a few more chapters of the new book, but she knew he'd probably rather play with his toys instead.<p>

Jane knocked on the doorframe, announcing his presence. "You leaving?"

"Yes," she told him.

"Okay, good."

But before he could leave, she stopped him. "Jane, wait! I think we need to talk." He looked surprised by her statement but he did come back in to her office, shutting the door behind him. "I want to talk to you about what you said in the car."

"I thought it was over," Jane replied, "We are going to try and work past this."

"That's not what I meant," Lisbon told him, surprising him yet again. "I wanted to talk about how you always get mad at me whenever I think about what we did."

He raised an eyebrow at her words. "I think that is overstating it a bit."

"No it's not," She replied. "I know you are upset and I know you hate what we did but you can't control what I think. When things come up, sometimes I'm going to remember things, that's just the way it is."

Jane thought it over for a bit, his jaw clenched slightly. "To be fair, it isn't that you remember what we did but rather the exact memories that I'm having issue with."

"You mean because I remember us having sex."

"Precisely."

She crossed her arms over her chest. "So what? It happens."

"I wish it wouldn't."

"You can wish whatever you want," Lisbon said firmly, "But it happens. Are you seriously going to say it doesn't happen to you?" Jane looked away, he didn't want to look her in the eye then. But she pressed the issue. "Be honest, what would happen if you and I walked down a flight of stairs together…alone."

Jane didn't say anything for a bit, and then he finally looked at her with cold eyes. "I'd remember fucking you in the stairwell."

She was a bit startled by his harsh tone and language but she quickly smoothed those ruffled feathers. "Yes, you can't reprimand me for doing what happens naturally. I can't help it anymore than you can."

Jane was still quiet, his anger slowly receding to guilt and sadness. "Its hard though, when I see you, when I _know_ what you are thinking of. It brings me back to a place I don't want to be."

She softened, she could understand that at least. "Jane, you don't want to be with me again. You don't have to deny what happened to yourself, the memories won't go away. You're fighting a losing battle otherwise."

He nodded slowly. "You're right."

Lisbon smiled now, a very small but real smile. "So we can stop fighting about that and just do what you said, try to move on."

"Sounds like a good plan," Jane agreed, finally standing up to leave.

Lisbon watched him go with a heavy feeling in her heart. He said that they could do this, that they could work past what they did and the son they had but didn't share…but she wasn't sure how easy it would really be. A part of her worried what remembering and feeling meant but she did what she could to put that all aside.

* * *

><p>AN: Well what did you think? Before you start thinking that Zachary was concieved, think again, things will change next chapter when the affair finds a new way to continue.

Patrick Jane was a broken man; she didn't have the strength to fix him. Or at least she didn't think she could.


	6. Choices

Disclaimer: I own nothing

A/N: Yay I updated again! Oh I love this story so much and I'm so glad people are really beginning to see how compelling a fic filled with nothing but shades of gray is. Thank you so much for giving this a real chance and seeing that some of the stories that people are too afraid to tell can actually be the most intriguing. This chapter has a bit more Zachary in it so I think everyone will enjoy it, especially as Jane starts getting closer and closer to rethinking his decision in that matter.

Oh yes, btw this fic is still rated M! LOL

* * *

><p>Chapter 6: Choices<p>

Saturdays were typically days Lisbon devoted to just her home life, since she didn't get to spend as much time with Zachary in the week as she wanted, the weekends were especially important. This meant that she started off big, big breakfasts that were a bit more labor intensive then scrambled eggs of cereal. She was making French toast when her phone rang and she wanted to say several four-letter words when she saw it was dispatch.

Sure enough, it was a case that SACPD wanted help with and Lisbon was duty bound to do so. She quickly gave Zachary his breakfast while she set about finding someone who could watch him, but her nanny was sick and Daniel's parents were busy. She tried a couple of other names but was coming up empty. Now she just had one last person to try.

"Minelli," she said as soon as he answered his phone. "My team has a case and I have no one who can watch Zachary and you told me I could…"

"I'll meet you at the CBI," Minelli said cheerfully, "just bring whatever he wants and you know ice cream will be on the menu."

"Sounds great," Lisbon replied. Minelli didn't have any kids of his own and somehow he saw Zachary as a grandchild he could spoil rotten. She'd get back a kid who was full of sweets but he'd be happy too.

Zachary was excited to be spending the day at the CBI if it meant seeing Minelli, he still remembered the last time he got to hang out there with her boss. So she got him dressed and he grabbed whatever toys and books he wanted with him while he was there. Then they loaded up into her car so she could drop him off.

Minelli was waiting for them when they arrived and he greeted Zachary with a big hug. One day she was certain Minelli would come by with a baseball bat and a mitt and take Zachary to the park to play catch. She was fine with that, Zachary needed a grandfather since her own parents were gone.

She left Zachary with a kiss and a hug while she hurried off to the scene. It wasn't until she was halfway there that she remembered that she was going to a scene with Zachary's father…and would be coming back with him too.

This could be bad.

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By the time they were on their way back from the scene, Lisbon had more problems then just warning Jane that their son was at the CBI. She had to make sure he wasn't going to be attacked by another witness. "Honestly," she fumed as they made their way inside, Cho and Rigsby following close behind. "What were you thinking?"

"What? He'd stolen evidence and I called him on it."

"You also called him out on his mother issues."

"Well he has a lot of them."

"Shut up!" Lisbon hissed, "My weekend is already ruined and your shenanigans are not helping."

Jane just shrugged. "It's not my fault people keep killing each other. If you wanted your weekend free than you should find a new line of work."

"Can't argue with that," Rigsby said and immediately earned a glare from his boss.

She rolled her eyes and shook her head, deciding that her team was getting too chummy with Jane for her own good. "Let's get to work, I don't want to be here all night either."

The guys went to work and Jane headed for his couch but Lisbon called him over to her office. She needed to talk to him alone, let them think she was going to yell at him in private. This was much more personal than that.

"Yes?" Jane said as he walked in, she could tell even he expected to be yelled at.

"I need to talk to you about Zachary."

It was interesting watching his face go from amused to very serious in an instant. There was no mistaking some of the guilt there too, and fear, but the guilt hurt her most. "What is it? Is he okay?"

"He's fine," Lisbon told him, "but…he's _here_."

Jane raised an eyebrow. "Here?"

"Yes, Minelli is watching him. I couldn't get a sitter so he offered and now Zachary is probably having the time of his life with ice cream and video games."

Jane cracked a smile. "Well it appears he has a grandfather after all."

Lisbon smiled too. "Yeah…I just wanted to let you know."

"You were right to, it would probably be best to avoid my being seen with him all things considered."

She frowned. "You're going to avoid him?"

"Isn't that what you want?" Jane asked, "otherwise we might get some questions raised at us. I'm sure people would start to wonder since he does resemble me."

Lisbon's eyes widened at Jane's last sentence. She hadn't even thought of that! "Oh my God…oh my _God_!" she stood up and began to pace in a panick. "Oh shit how couldn't I have thought of that."

"Calm down, Lisbon."

"Calm down? Zachary looks _just_ like you! And now you two are in the same building…in the place we both _work_! Calm down? All it takes is one person to realize how much you look alike and _bam!_ We are busted!"

"That is why I suggested avoiding him," Jane replied, "that way no one is the wiser."

"But you're already here," Lisbon said, "and so is he! This could end very badly."

"Lisbon," Jane said calmly, "It's going to be fine. People see what they want to see, as long as Zachary and I avoid being in the same room no one is even going to think that we are related."

"Are you sure?"

"You doubt me now?"

She took in a deep breath and then let it out. "Okay, I'll be calm. I'll just do my job and take Zachary home and never bring him back here again."

"Good plan," Jane said dryly.

"Shut up."

He held his hands up in surrender. "I'll go back to my couch, let me know if you need me to talk you off a ledge again."

"Jane, please do not—."

"I won't," Jane replied, "You know that the last thing I want is for everyone else to find out what we did too."

She nodded her head. "Thank you."

He just gave her a small smile in return before stepping out of the office. She took in several deep breaths to try and keep herself calm. This could all come crashing down around her if she wasn't careful.

Let the tightrope walk begin.

* * *

><p><em>With all testimony finished and the grand jury verdict in their favor, Lisbon found herself in a place she wanted and hated being: right beside Patrick Jane. But they weren't alone; her boss was there as well as the entire prosecuting team. They were all congratulating each other, slapping backs and praising the testimony. But she didn't care. She was busy feeling the tension between the two of them still riding high.<em>

_ They hadn't said a word to each other in a month and she had simply assumed that it was over. Why wouldn't it be? They had embarked on a very brief affair that ended when their working relationship ended as well._

_ That was what was best…right?_

_ "I appreciate you coming down here, Mr. Jane," Captain Michaels said, "I know it wasn't easy taking time out of your schedule and coming from Malibu."_

_ "It was no trouble at all," Jane said, "all to ensure that justice is served."_

_ Lisbon could only stare at him, wondering if he was really meaning that or if he was just putting this on as a good face. He shifted in his stance and his arm brushed her side, she swallowed heavily._

_ "Will you be going back to Malibu tonight?"_

_ "Oh it's rather late and I have a hotel room, "Jane replied, "In fact I'd need a ride back." He turned to look at her. "Detective Lisbon, do you mind giving me a ride?"_

_ Lisbon stared at him for a long moment before numbly nodding her head. She felt like running away at the same time she was brimming with excitement._

_ Jane followed her out of the building towards her car, the silence loud and thick between them. They both got into the car and Lisbon finally spoke…because she had to. "What hotel are you staying at?"_

_ "The same one as before."_

_ "Oh." She felt pretty stupid, and her heart was racing. What did he want? Would he…no, absolutely not. They had managed to avoid any backlash from their mistake last time; they would be welcoming trouble if they tried again. She struggled to think of something, anything that didn't sound incredibly dumb. "So…how have you been?"_

_ Well that sucked too._

_ "Fine," Jane replied calmly. "And you?"_

_ "Can't complain," she said with a fake smile_

_ "I'm sorry I didn't call you."_

_ She got a little serious then. "You never said you would," Lisbon reminded him, "and I never expected you to."_

_ "That doesn't make it right."_

_ "Nothing with our situation was right," Lisbon replied, "So it's best that it's over with. We don't have to talk about it again. Or think about it. It's like it never happened."_

_ "If that is what you want."_

_ "It is," Lisbon said. She felt a lump forming in her throat which was so stupid, why should she feel bad about this? "It should be easy for you, I'm sure you didn't give me much thought afterwards."_

_ "That's not true."_

_ She turned her head, stunned. "What?"_

_ Jane looked back into her eyes. "I thought about you…a lot. I know I shouldn't have but I did."_

_ Lisbon's began to breathe quickly, she might be hyperventilating. "I thought about you too," she admitted. It was something of an understatement, she'd thought about him every single day, switching from longing to anger and shame at what they had done. But right now all she could think about was the longing._

_ "Well," Jane said simple, "What now?"_

_ She thought about it for about three seconds before making a quick turn down fifth and heading straight for about a mile. They made it to an old abandoned bridge where the train still occasionally ran, she knew the place because it was secluded and vice occasionally busted people there. But hopefully that wouldn't be today._

_ As soon as she'd put the car at park they unbuckled their seatbelts and lunged at each other. It was like two teenagers parked at night, except they were well past those carefree times and they were in the light of day. Their hands were everywhere, fumbling and touching as much as they could in the tight space. They were both running on hot, it didn't take long for things to go too far._

_ "Lean your seat back," Lisbon told him, her shirt already partly unbutton and bra pushed aside, her cross swinging hypnotically._

_ Jane followed her lead while she slipped her pants and panties off, discarding them on the floor of the car. Then she reached for his belt, the clicking loud and full of promise. Then her hands slipped inside and he moaned at her touch, she felt powerful then at the knowledge that she had this effect on him._

_ Lisbon crawled over, putting a knee on either side of his hips. Their eyes met and held for a second before she sank down onto him._

_ She gasped at the first touch of him inside of her, his groan mingling with her soft cry. She slid onto him slowly until she was seated all the way, enjoying the fullness, the stretch that soothed that ache in her core. But slow and steady wasn't going to satisfy them._

_ Jane grasped her hips as she started to move, a fast rythym that he matched, lifting and pushing her down onto him so that she felt him everywhere. Her hands clutched his shoulders in a tight grip, tiny keening sounds escaped her lips with each thrust._

_ He reached between them then to find her clit, he stroked then rubbed and pinched until she was crying out. His thrusts were becoming more erratic, stronger, harder until finally she tipped over the edge with a loud cry. Her whole body shook as her orgasm ripped out of her while Jane continued to press on until he too finally gave a hoarse shout and found his release._

_ They stayed pressed together, completely spent, the only sound their heavy panting as they body cooled._

_ Finally she moved off of him and grabbed her pants off the floor. It took a bit of gymnastics to slip them back on but she managed. Then she sat in the drivers seat again and stared straight ahead, waiting to see if the regret would come immediately or wait a bit._

_ "So," Jane began gently. "Want to go back to my hotel?"_

_ Lisbon considered her options again for a minute before turning the key and heading to his suggested venue. The guilt was going to come back…but she didn't care._

* * *

><p>Jane knew that Lisbon was still panicking over him and Zachary being in such close proximity. She was calming down at least, the longer people went without noticing that Zachary looked like him, the more she realized that no one would notice what they didn't think about seeing. As long as they weren't seen in public together, no one would even consider it a possibility. In this instance, ignorance truly was a blessing.<p>

But Jane had his own problem with ignorance, mostly his lack of. He knew his son was in this building and that was making it very difficult for him to concentrate. He had to avoid Zachary, for personal and professional reasons. If anyone saw them together then everyone would realize they'd had an affair years ago, that would sully Lisbon's reputation needlessly.

But he couldn't stop thinking about the fact that his son was there. His son was in this building; he had the chance to look at him with his own eyes. He'd made his decision weeks ago, it was better for everyone involved if he stayed away. Yet there was no stopping the one thought that stayed with him.

He had a son.

That thought refused to leave, always picking at the back of his mind. He had a son. A son he'd never seen. Jane couldn't help but feel like he had a responsibility to him, even though Lisbon had basically absolved him of that. It bothered him more than a little that she not only understood why it would be difficult for him to be a father again, she actually encouraged him to stay away.

He could understand wanting to avoid people not learning of their secret past, that was something he wanted to put off as long as possible as well. But she didn't even attempt to reconcile him and Zachary, she seemed to prefer it if he stayed away from both of them.

Not for the first time he wondered if it had to do with _him_. Perhaps she was still trying to keep him at a distance because of their history. He'd attempted the same thing himself, he couldn't blame her for that action except that there was a child involved…if this was only about protecting herself. Well…Jane wasn't sure if he could accept that.

Of course this wasn't just about her fears. Jane had to admit he was scared to death when he realized that he had another child. It wasn't a lie, he knew that the way Zachary was conceived bothered him. It did feel like a betrayal to his family to have another child through the affair he used to betray them. However…it also felt like a failure to his son that he hadn't even attempted to try and be a father.

It was a damned if he did and damned if he didn't situation and Jane had to figure out which choice would cause him the least amount of pain. At the moment he wasn't sure if his choice to avoid being in Zachary's life was it.

Temptation to see his son was eating at him, it was too much now that Zachary was actually there. That was why Jane found himself slinking in the hallway outside of Minelli's office, honestly unsure if he was hoping that Zachary would come out or not. It would be best if he just left, if they were seen together then the truth would be out and if that had to happen, Jane wanted it done on _his_ terms.

His internal battle was unfortunately interrupted by Minelli himself, who looked a little surprised to find Jane in the hallways. "Hey, Jane," he said friendly. "What are you doing here?"

Honesty was the best lie sometimes. "Just being nosy," Jane said deceptively. "I'm surprise you're here."

"Lisbon couldn't find anyone watch her son," Minelli told him, "so I offered."

Jane nodded. "You must be having some fun then." Jane stepped over one step, just far enough so he could peek around the doorframe. He could just make out a head of blonde hair but Zachary's back was to him.

"Yes, Zachary is a good kid," Minelli continued, oblivious to Jane's subtle attempt to get a look at the boy in his office. "He's never any trouble at all. To be honest, I think I have more fun with him than he does."

"Oh I'm sure he enjoys days like this too," Jane replied smoothly, "gives him a chance to have a grandfather figure."

Minelli's face lit up at the word 'grandfather', Jane wasn't surprise that he enjoyed that thought, he obviously adored Lisbon like the daughter he'd never had. That was good, she deserved to have a father figure who cared for her the way her real father never had. "Well I think it's just the fact that I give him as much ice cream as he wants."

"The true way to a child's heart."

He grinned and nodded. "Well I was going to go get him something to eat, I better do that before he realizes that he can outrun me."

Jane chuckled and nodded, taking the cue that he had to leave as well. If he'd turned around he would have seen Minelli's smile fade to one of confusion before looking back at Zachary who was sitting in his office.

It was strange how much they looked alike…

But he shook his head, determined to put that thought out of his mind.

* * *

><p><em> Their time in his hotel room was just as passionate as in the car but much less frantic and uncontrolled. Now they were simply lying together on the bed, green eyes looking into his while he took his time just drinking in the sight of her. There was no denying that Teresa Lisbon was a beautiful woman with creamy white skin and dark silky hair.<em>

_ He knew it was wrong to be here, had even told himself that when he came back to testify that he would make it clear to her that it was all over. But all of those thoughts had fallen away the moment he saw her again. She still wasn't out of his system yet and going a month without any consequences from their previous indiscretion had only made him bolder._

_ He trailed his fingertips down her arm, over one breast and across her side; he found a small linear scar that marred perfection. "What happened here?" He asked playfully. But he was surprised when she immediately looked upset. "What is it?"_

_ "It's nothing."_

_ But he knew when she was lying, it was written all over his face. His mind immediately provided the most logical conclusion. "Your father?"_

_ Her cheeks turned a lovely tinge of pink and she nodded numbly. "We got into a big fight one night after he'd been drinking too much. Fourteen year old girl can't really defend herself against her own father, at least not well."_

_ Jane nodded; he was filled with unparalleled sadness that a child had to fend herself off from the man who was supposed to love her. He couldn't imagine ever hurting Charlotte like that. But the thought of Charlotte only filled him with guilt and he couldn't face that right now. "Tell me about your family."_

_ "What?" Lisbon asked, "Why?"_

_ "Because I want to know."_

_ She frowned and looked up to ceiling as if deep in thought. "I have younger three brothers, Tommy, Stan and James."_

_ "Three brothers?" Jane repeated amused, "that must have made things interesting at home."_

_ "You have no idea." She agreed with a smile. "They are all a little wild but I love more than anything." Then she looked a little sad. "I'll never forgive myself for leaving."_

_ He propped himself up on an elbow. "When you came out here for college."_

_ She nodded again, "I wanted to get away from my father. I'd put so much of my own life on hold to help take care of all of them. I wanted to do something for me."_

_ "That's not a bad thing," Jane told her calmly. "You can't be expected to take care of everyone else forever. You deserve to follow your own dreams and find your own path, anyone who truly loves you can understand that."_

_ Lisbon rolled onto her side to look at him. "What were your dreams?"_

_ Jane gave her a blinding smile. "My dreams?" He wanted to distract her from this topic; it was a little too close for comfort._

_ "I'm serious. You told me you were a part of the carnival, how do you go from that to this?"_

_ It was his turn to frown at the ceiling as he considered whether or not to actually be honest with her. It was strange; he hadn't even felt the urge to be truly open about his past with anyone other than his wife. Teresa Lisbon was a unique individual that seemed to bring out something in him, he just wasn't sure what or why._

_ So he went for something of a middle ground. "I never wanted to stay with the Carnie life, traveling so often and being with my father…"he pursed his lips, he hadn't meant to mention is father. "I wanted to get out, so when I had the chance I left."_

_ "Were you alone?"_

_ He really wished she hadn't asked that question. "No," Jane admitted but he didn't embellish any further. Mentioning his wife while he was in bed with another woman was not going to happen._

_ Lisbon seemed to understand that and she grew just as quiet as he was. Apparently the situation wasn't lost on her at all, she recognized that they were breaking many binding covenants, especially since she wore that cross around her neck. Yet here she was, she felt the same powerful pull that seemed impossible to avoid._

_ "Maybe we shouldn't be doing this," she finally said softly._

_ "We definitely shouldn't," Jane agreed, "but when we are together…we can't seem to resist."_

_ "Maybe we should try," Lisbon offered but he could see from her eyes she hated that thought as much as he did._

_ "Maybe," Jane agreed but then leaned over to press a kiss against her lips, a slow kiss that quickly became more passionate._

_ She pulled back, already a little breathless. "You call that trying?"_

_ "We should try later," Jane told her, "There are other things I want to try right now."_

_ He reached for her and she let out a little squeal of surprise when he flipped her over onto her stomach. "What are you doing?" she asked but her breathing hitched when he straddled her._

_ Jane leaned down to whisper hotly in her ear. "Exploring every inch of you." He smiled at the shudder that went through her body, the way her eyes glowed hotly then. He loved that he had this affect on her, it had been a while since he'd held this kind of power over a woman. It was intoxicating, feeling wanted again._

_ He knew he couldn't stop, not yet._

* * *

><p>Teresa was glad that the day was finally over. She was even more grateful that tomorrow Daniel's parents would be able to watch Zachary so she wouldn't have to risk anyone seeing Jane and Zachary in the same building again. She'd been walking on eggshells all day waiting for something to happen, for someone to confront her and ask her why her son looked just like her consultant.<p>

But Jane had been right. No one asked, no one seemed to notice at all. It was one of those things where since no one knew they had met six years earlier the idea of them actually having a child together never crossed their minds. Lisbon was never so happy for human nature and ignorance.

She stepped out of her office to see the rest of her team still working, though she knew they'd be leaving soon. She did feel some guilt that she had to go but her son did have to take precedence. Jane looked over at her from where he was sitting on the couch but it was Rigsby who spoke. "You leaving?"

"Yeah, I need to get Zachary home before he decides to run away to live with Minelli."

That made Rigsby smile, even Cho looked amused by that. "You bringing him back tomorrow?"

"No, I have a sitter arranged," Lisbon explained, "I'll see you guys tomorrow, good work today. We'll get this guy soon."

It was a standard goodbye; good work and she'll see them tomorrow. There would always be another case but they could only focus on the one they were working on currently. She met Jane's eyes for a moment but he didn't say a word, she couldn't help but wonder what he was thinking.

But she didn't have the luxury to stand around and wonder about Jane. She hurried over to Minelli's office to collect her son. Zachary was still as happy as a clam with Minelli, Lisbon could see from the chocolate stain on his shirt that he'd enjoyed some sweets that day. "Hey Zach," Lisbon said enthusiastically, "I see someone had fun today."

"Yeah!" Zachary said happily. "We played video games and went for ice cream and McDonalds."

"Wow," Lisbon said, feigning astonishment. "That sounds like quite a busy day." She gave Minelli a big smile. "Thank you so much for watching him, you have no idea how much it means to me."

"Forget about it," Minelli said waving her off, "I had more fun then he did."

She looked at Zachary's happy face. "Somehow I doubt it."

He grinned at her. "Hey, every kid should be spoiled once in a while." He looked a little serious though. "Has Jane met him yet?"

Her smile quickly turned to a frown. "Uhh, no, why?"

Minelli shrugged. "No reason, just wondering."

"I mean it doesn't really matter, he's just a colleague," Lisbon stammered out, "It'll happen when it happens."

"But you met him when you were in San Francisco."

Her heart started pounding heavily in her chest. "Umm, well yeah. Just once. He…he worked a case with me as a psychic and that…that was it. I never saw him again." She chocked out the words feeling like a complete idiot. "Why do you ask?"

"I understand," Minelli said, "I was just curious."

"Oh," Lisbon replied. She wasn't sure how to feel about that, why would Minelli care if Jane knew or not? "Sure, okay." She shook her head, trying to clear it and then put on a fake smile. "Come on Zachary, let's go home and get some _real_ food into you."

Zachary grinned and hurried over to his mother to grab her hand. She happily led him out of the office, away from Minelli's questions that were too close to the truth. She was ready for this day to end so that she could relax again.

She was busy answering Zachary's questions and chattering with him, she didn't notice Jane standing off in the hallway. Just far enough so he could look nondescript while she walked towards the elevator. It wasn't until she turned around to press the down button that she spotted him, their eyes meeting from all the way down the hall.

Her heart stopped once she saw him, still not at all sure if what he was thinking. Lisbon wondered if he would come, if he actually would take a step towards them. But he stayed where he was, just watching.

Zachary didn't notice the man watching them and then the elevator doors closed so he couldn't see Jane anyways. But Lisbon was still left wondering what would happen next.

* * *

><p><em>Lisbon drove Jane to the airport the next morning, it wasn't lost on her that she'd done something similar the last time he'd been in town. She said it was over then and yet here she was, repeating the same mistakes.<em>

_ But this would probably be it for sure. He would have no reason to come back to San Francisco…at least not one she could think of._

_ She pulled the car to a stop outside of the unloading zone and parked it. They weren't going to kiss and say goodbye like lovers. They might have been but it was an illicit and dangerous thing they were doing, had been doing. She had to remember to put it in the past tense because once he got on that plane, it would be over…again._

_ "Okay," Lisbon said softly. "Fly safe."_

_ But Jane didn't get out of the car. Not yet at least. She glanced over to see that he had a very somber look on his face, like he was mulling something over and over in his mind. Finally he turned his head to meet her eyes. "I want to see you again."_

_ Her lips parted but not a sound came out. Her heart started beating super fast as her mind started celebrating at the same time warning her that this was so very bad. "But…why?"_

_ "Because I can't imagine not seeing you again," Jane explained, "And I don't want to."_

_ "It's a bad idea."_

_ "I don't care," he told her, "I have to see you again."_

_ Lisbon shook her head, more than a little overwhelmed. "Patrick…I don't know…"_

_ "Do you want to see me again?" Jane asked her, "Be honest with yourself."_

_ She was quiet for a while as she tried to figure out how to answer. The lie was the best choice, the right choice, the one that would make everything simpler. But it was still a lie._

_ "Yes," she admitted._

_ He smiled, that radiant smile that made any woman fall a little in love with him. "Then I'll see you again, soon."_

_ Lisbon nodded. "Okay."_

_ Then he did lean over and kiss her, sealing his promise with passion. She gave in like she always did with him until it was finally time to let him go. He got out of her car and grabbed his bag and left with a wave…back to Malibu…back to his wife._

_ But she would see him again._

_ Lisbon pulled her car away, her stomach churning with a feeling she hadn't had since she first moved to California. A mixture of excitement, guilt and fear. The last time she'd felt that she'd made a choice that changed her life forever._

_ She had no idea if this would be the same way._

* * *

><p>AN: Your eyes do not deceive you, Minelli is very suspicious about Jane and Lisbon but he's too much of a gentlemen and respects Lisbon too much to come right out and ask it...for now. But the next chapter is one a lot of people have been waiting for when circumstances finally bring Jane and Zachary into the same room. You won't want to miss it!


	7. Blood of my Blood

Disclaimer: I own nothing

A/N: Oh I'm so glad we are finally at this chapter! I've had the scene written down for literally years and I'm finally going to share it! I love it so much! I'm still amazed people are actively reading this story, it's so touching to know people understand how it could be so compelling. I think people are going to enjoy where this goes.

* * *

><p>Chapter 7: Blood of my Blood<p>

Lisbon had never had to bail a man out for being found in contempt of court but she was at least aware of the procedure. It was even more fun that she had to bring Minelli along since he was also in charge of Jane. Her boss was fuming that Jane had managed to get into trouble during a simple testimony.

"How does a man tell a judge to 'shush'?" Minelli exclaimed in outrage.

"It's Jane," Lisbon reminded him, "I told you he would be trouble."

"You should have warned me again, numerous times."

She actually smiled as she and Minelli made their way to county lock up. The clerk behind the counter looked bored. "I'm here to bail out Patrick Jane."

"Good," the clerk replied, "he's an ass."

"Yes he is," Lisbon agreed, "But he's my consultant so I'd like to have him back please."

"You must be applicable for sainthood for dealing with that man."

She rolled her eyes and shook her head. "Yes, that is me Saint Teresa so can you please release him?"

"Give me a few moments and he is all yours."

After the man left to retrieve Jane, Minelli turned to look at Lisbon. "The higher ups are pissed as hell agent Lisbon, you need to get him in line before he cost us our job."

She threw up her hands in surrender. "He doesn't listen to me or anyone so how do you suggest I get him to behave?"

"Shoot him?"

Now she really liked that idea. "Are you giving me permission to shoot him, sir?"

Minelli seemed to consider it for a moment himself. "No, but you need to control him it is your job to control him."

The clerk finally returned with Jane who looked amused at Lisbon and Minelli being there. "Ah, look my fellow coworkers have bailed me out."

She glared at him. "Are you done making an ass of yourself?"

"One second," he turned to the clerk, "your wife is cheating on you, you should check that out."

"Jane!"

"What?" Jane replied. "I'm trying to help him out, it's not my fault he can't handle the truth."

She grabbed his arm and steered him out of the building. "Let's go before they decide to wave your bail and keep you in here."

"Meh, it would be an experience except they don't have tea which is a real shame."

"Yes, because all prisoners want tea as their choice drink."

"Why so grumpy?" Jane asked her, still smiling. "No need to be."

"You want to know why I am grumpy!?"

"Actually I know why but your reasons is just sad, this whole situation is no reason to be upset."

Finally she was just fed up with him and his exasperating behavior. "You know what Jane you can bite me."

"But you are still giving me a ride back?"

"Do I have a choice?"

"I could ride with Minelli but he might actually kill me and you wouldn't want that."

"And who is to say I won't kill you?" Lisbon asked, she didn't mean it…mostly.

"Because you know why or do I need to state it out loud?"

She wanted to hit him for implying their past and their son, especially in front of her boss. "Get in the damn car." She all but shoved Jane into her car so she could get him out of there.

Meanwhile Minelli was left watching them leave, still completely stunned they'd gotten into a fight in front of him. "She really is a saint."

* * *

><p><em>It was a twist of the fate that the Academy of Criminal Justice conferences was taking place in Los Angeles that year, it was also a part of her job that she complete continued education requirements. That is how she found herself in Los Angeles a mere two weeks after Jane had testified in the grand jury hearing.<em>

_ They had been talking on the phone regularly but actually seeking him out was another matter entirely. She wasn't sure how that made her look but she had agreed to continue the affair. She could call him, but make it clear that nothing had to happen, he could make the move._

_ Her heart was pounding when she finally dialed his number, waiting to see if he would pick up. Her worst nightmare was that his wife would answer instead. Thankfully that nightmare didn't come true. "Hey," Jane said casually, apparently she had called at a good time._

_ "Hey," Lisbon said, "Everything okay."_

_ "It's great, you?"_

_ "The same," she said. She cleared her throat and got down to business. "Actually I'm at a conference, part of my continued education in criminal justice requirements. I have to take a workshop every couple of years."_

_ "Sounds interesting."_

_ "It can be," Lisbon replied. "Actually…it's in LA."_

_ "Really?" Jane asked, "And are you in LA now?"_

_ "Yes."_

_ "Where?"_

_ "The conference or the hotel I'm staying at?"_

_ "Whichever is your current location?"_

_ Now her heart was pounding for an entirely different reason. "Just at the Hyatt by the airport."_

_ "I'll see you soon."_

_ She hung up her phone, excitement raging through her. She hurried over to her bathroom to touch up her makeup, then rethought her outfit and changed into something else…which ended with her deciding that maybe she should just shave her legs as well._

_ When Jane knocked on her door and she grinned at him. "Come on in."_

_ He took a look around her room and shook his head. "You're not staying here."_

_ "Yes I am."_

_ Jane shook his head again. "No your not, besides the complimentary breakfast what else does this place have to offer?"_

_ "How about a bed?"_

_ "I know a better bed," Jane told her, "That comes with mints on the pillows."_

_ "I can't afford a place like that," Lisbon countered even if mints on the pillow did sound heavenly._

_ "You don't have to," Jane assured her, "I've already arranged a room for you."_

_ "What?"_

"_You heard me, so grab your stuff and let's get out of here before we waste anymore time."_

"_Are you insane! I'm not going anywhere."_

_ "Why not?"_

_ "You got me a hotel room!" Lisbon explained, "don't you see how insulting that is?"_

"_How is it insulting? It is a nice room away here over looking ocean. You deserve to be spoiled and I want to spoil you."_

"_I'm not a hooker or a whore."_

_ "I never said you were," Jane replied, looking completely bewildered._

_ "But you are treating me like one."_

_ "I don't recall picking you up on a street corner or leaving money on the dresser."_

_ "You are buying me things in exchange for sex," Lisbon replied._

_ "No, I'm treating you like you deserve. If you'd rather stay here that's fine. All I wanted to do was give you something nice, no strings...or sex attached"_

_ "So why the hotel room?"_

"_I figure you've never had a real chance to be pampered, I thought it was time that was remedied."_

_Now she wasn't angry anymore, she was touched. "So…this hotel, how nice of an ocean view is it?"_

_ He grinned then. "Come on, get your things together and you'll finally see how it's like living the high life."_

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_ Jane was right, the hotel was absolutely gorgeous, the kind of luxury she could only dream about while watching movies. The whole room was light and airy with a veranda that opened up to the balcony that overlooked the ocean. She'd spent a few minutes literally just gawking at the furnishings, running around the room like an excited teenager. The bathroom was bigger than the room she'd had previously booked with a Jacuzzi and separate shower that had so many different spray settings she felt like she was in a spa._

_ "What do they all do?"_

_ Jane came up behind her, dangerously close and said into her ear. "Want to find out?"_

_ Oh she definitely did._

_ She couldn't help but giggle a little as they stripped out of their clothing before hurrying into the huge shower. Lisbon had fun switching the different settings, first a rain shower, then waterfall, the massage setting was particularly invigorating._

_ Jane grabbed some of the soap and began to lather her up, starting with her hair, his fingers giving her a sensual scalp massage. She closed her eyes and moaned, enjoying the sensation immensely. Eventually he moved on to her body, making sure every inch of her was clean, paying particular attention to her breasts._

_ She smiled at his hard length now pressed against her stomach, she reached for him but he pulled her hand away. "Not yet," he told her with a low growl in her ear._

_ His fingers snaked down her body, over her stomach and hips to find the thatch of dark hair between her thighs. A keening sound escaped her lips when he slipped two fingers inside her folds; he stroked her tenderly, his thumb circling until she was rocking against his hand. "Patrick," she gasped out, her voice breathless. She dug her fingernails into his arm as she finally climaxed._

_ She barely had time to recover before he was pushing her up against the wall, lifting her up before sheathing himself inside of her. His groan was drowned out by the pounding water, Lisbon wasn't sure she was even able to make a sound at this point._

_ Jane started a slow sensual rhythm, the slippery tile providing the perfect amount of friction. She kissed his neck and shoulder, the water tasting so good from his skin. It was hard to think about anything, the pounding of the water a perfect compliment to Jane pounding inside of her._

_ He kissed her lips then asked if he could pick up the pace, which was an unqualified yes. The new rhythm had her moaning again as she began to feel the pressure mounting inside of her again. She was close, so close. A few more powerful thrusts and she was crying out as her release washed over her. Jane continued for a few more moments before finding his own._

_ They stayed like that for a moment, her legs still wrapped around his waist, the hot water still pouring over them. "Well," Lisbon said still breathless, "I like the shower."_

_ Jane chuckled and kissed her sweetly before pulling out of her. "Come on," Jane said with a leering look, "we still have to try out the bed."_

* * *

><p>"Roberts has an ironclad alibi and showed genuine remorse, why do you think he is the killer?"<p>

Jane smiled as they made their way over to his car. "You saw genuine remorse, I saw crocodile tears and a liar."

"He was on video when the murder took place."

"I'll admit, it's going to be a challenge getting him to confess but I already have a few ideas."

Lisbon groaned. "Anytime you say that means I'm going to be yelled at by Minelli. I swear, you do this just to watch me defend you."

"Actually I do it because Minelli's sarcastic anger is always entertaining."

She rolled her eyes and was saved from commenting by her ringing phone, but she gave him a warning look as she answered. "Lisbon." He watched as her face changed from annoyance to concern. "Yes, this is Zachary's mother…what?! Oh my God!"

Jane's heart was racing now and he silently begged Lisbon to tell him what was going on but she wasn't paying attention. "Where is he? Yes I'll be there right away!"

She hung up her phone and immediately began to run so Jane had to chase her. "Lisbon, what is going on?"

"My car, I need my car," she rambled. He'd never seen her rattled like this before."

"What is going on?"

"I just need to find my car!"

"Lisbon, what happened?" he repeated.

"I don't know!" she shouted back, "but Zachary is in the hospital and I need to go! So help me find my damn car!"

"It's at the CBI," Jane reminded her, "I drove you here."

"Shit!"

He grabbed her arm and steered her towards his car. "Come on."

"Where are you taking me?"

Well she was really out of it. "To my car."

"But I need to get to _my_ car."

"You aren't going to drive anything right now," Jane told her firmly.

"Then how the hell am I going to get to the hospital?"

"I'll drive you."

"But…"

"Stop fighting and just get into the car," Jane interrupted. He opened the passenger's side door and gestured for her to get in but all she did was stare at him with those big beautiful green eyes.

"Jane…I…"

He stared back at her. "I know," he said, and he did. He knew exactly what she was trying to stay.

She slid into the seat and Jane rushed over to get behind the wheel. For the first time, she didn't fight him on his speeding.

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Lisbon silently prayed the whole way to Sacramento General and she was out of the car before Jane had pulled the car to a complete stop. He caught up with her at entrance since she was in half a daze and barely knew where to go. But as soon as she saw the receptionist she raced over. "I need to know where my son is!"

"Excuse me?" The woman asked.

"My son was brought in here, he's five years old and I don't know what happened so tell me where he is."

The woman stared at her as if she was insane. "You'll have to tell me his name first."

His name…she had completely forgotten to provide that information. "Zachary Lisbon."

The nurse flipped through the records on her computer. "Zachary Lisbon… your son is in room 116."

She didn't thank the woman, just quickly rushed in the direction of the hallway. The little markers said rooms 110 through 135 were down one hallway and that was where she was going to go. Finally she arrived at her son's room and she barged right in.

The first thing she saw was her son lying in the bed with a large bandage on his head. "Mommy," he said softly but there was no denying that he was happy to see her.

As soon as she heard her son speak she began to cry, rushing to his bed to hold his little hand in hers. "Hey, baby," she said through he tears, kissing his temple. "I'm so glad to see you."

"Teresa?"

She turned around to see Daniel Grayson's father in the room, she hadn't even noticed he was there. "What happened?" she asked, her voice was rather accusing but she didn't care. Her son was in the hospital for God's sake.

"I fell, Mommy," Zachary answered for her.

"Fell where?"

"Out of the tree."

"Out of what?!" Lisbon faced Mr. Grayson again. "What the hell was he doing climbing trees?"

"I'm sorry, Teresa, but can we talk about this outside?"

Lisbon wanted the answer fast but she didn't want her son to see her get so angry. She followed him out of the room and then was startled to see Jane standing outside, calmly waiting against the wall. But she fixed her eyes on the other man. "What happened?"

"They were just in the backyard playing, you know, they're boys."

"I know they are boys but how did playing in the grass turn into my son falling out of a goddamn tree?"

"Daniel and Zachary decided to climb the old pine in our backyard, they climbed too high and couldn't get down. I climbed up to get them down and when I was helping Daniel down…Zachary lost his grip and fell."

She gasped in pain and horror as she imagined her little boy falling to the ground like that. "He hit his head and was unconscious but he woke up in the ambulance on the way here."

Lisbon leaned put her head in her hands and leaned against the wall, trying to keep her anger and other emotions under some control. "I'm sorry, Teresa, but these things happen."

"Is he all right? Are any bones broken? Why was he unconscious?" Lisbon barraged the man with questions.

He looked stumped. "Uh…you'll have to ask his doctor."

"Well where is he?"

"I'll find him," he said eagerly, obviously wanting to get away.

Now she was alone with Jane but she barely noticed, all she wanted to do was wrap her son in her arms and cry. Apparently she was already getting started on the crying if the choking sound was any indication.

Then she felt Jane's hands on her shoulders and she was compelled to meet his eyes. "Just calm down," he told her gently, "Breathe."

"Who the hell lets a five year old climb a tree?"

"I don't think he _let_ anything happen," Jane told her, "boys have a way of getting into trouble."

"I know that but…"

"Accidents happen," he reminded her, "The important thing is making sure he's all right."

She didn't have time to thank Jane for his words, or his calm demeanor. Grayson returned with a man in a white coat she could only assume was her son's doctor. "Hello, I'm Dr. Connelly, I assume you are Zachary's parents."

They both stiffened at the word, 'parents' but Lisbon was focused on her child to care about the doctor's correct and incorrect assumption. "What is wrong with my son?"

"He's got a moderate concussion and several bumps and bruises but no broken bones. He'll have to take it easy for the next few days, no rough housing and bed rest for at least two days but he should be fine."

Lisbon breathed a sigh of relief. "Oh thank God."

"I'd like to keep him over night, just to keep an eye on him but I don't foresee any reason why he shouldn't go home in the morning."

She nodded her head. "Okay."

The doctor gave her some more information on her son's condition and his care, simple doctor speak that basically said the same thing. Her son would be all right. Finally he left and so did Grayson under the guise of calling his wife. Now she was alone with Jane again and he smiled at her. "Zachary is going to be fine."

Lisbon nodded. "Yes he is, thank you for doing this. For bringing me here I know you didn't have to…"

"I wanted to."

"Thank you, again, thank you." She stared at him awkwardly for a moment. "You don't have to stay, you can go and…and I don't know…"

"How were you planning to go home?"

"I was thinking I would stay here," Lisbon admitted, "and tomorrow…I guess Rigsby or Cho could bring me my car."

Jane nodded. "I'll stay a little longer, in case you need something."

She studied him, not sure what to think about this. Jane didn't need to stay and he said that he wanted to stay out of Zachary's life but he was…here. She couldn't make him go though and maybe it wouldn't be a bad thing for him to stick around for a minute.

"Okay," Lisbon said giving him a soft smile before stepping into her son's room.

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Jane couldn't figure out why the hell he was standing in the hallway outside of Zachary's room. By all standards he should be doing one of two things, going in there to check on the injured boy or leaving the hospital. But no, he was stuck in between. He didn't want to leave…but he'd made the decision not to be in Zachary's life.

Maybe it was just curiosity. He wanted to make sure the boy was okay, maybe that was it. Of course that didn't explain the terror he'd felt when Lisbon had gotten that phone call. Okay, his rationalization wasn't going well.

He should go. He would go. In a minute.

Ten minutes later he was still exactly where he was and he knew then he wasn't leaving any time soon.

Well if he was here he might as well just peek in, make sure Zachary really was okay. Jane stepped forward and opened the door just a crack and saw the beautiful little boy in person.

He was sitting up a little in his bed; one bandage on his forehead but it didn't hide his blonde curls. Lisbon was sitting beside him and she reached up to smooth his hair away from his face. There was a small scratch on his cheek and another Band-Aid on his arm. "I didn't mean to, Mommy," he said slowly.

The first time he ever heard his son speak.

"I know, baby," Lisbon replied.

"We just wanted to see how high we could get."

"And then you went too high," Lisbon finished for him, "You shouldn't climb trees, not when you can't get down."

"Daniel's daddy climbed up."

"Daniel's daddy was trying to get you out of the tree, it was dangerous."

"He let Daniel climb onto his shoulders while he went down," Zachary told her, "he said I had to wait and he would get me…but then I was slipping and I didn't know what to do, Mommy." His big eyes looked even larger with tears shining in them, one rolled down his cheek. "I was scared."

His voice was small and frightened and it hurt…it hurt to hear his child so afraid.

"I know," She said, kissing his hand. "I know you were."

"No one could help me down."

"If I could have been there I would."

"But you weren't. Daniel had his daddy."

Lisbon pushed his hair back again. "Zachary…"

"I don't have one," Zachary said, "I don't have a daddy to help me."

"Zachary, you don't need…"

"I want a daddy," he insisted, "you said my daddy was gone. Where is he, Mommy? Where is he?"

Jane didn't even know what he was doing but he heard his son pleading for help…begging for him and suddenly…suddenly he couldn't deny it anymore.

"I'm here," Jane said, stepping into the room. "I'm right here, Zachary."

It was a profound moment where father and son first laid eyes on each other. In some ways he felt the same way he did seeing Charlotte Ann for the first time when she was born, it was an instant jolt of unconditional love. But Zachary wasn't feeling that same shock, mostly because he really didn't understand what was going on.

Jane walked closer to the bed, he did notice that Lisbon was gaping at him with a mixture of shock and horror on her face but he didn't care. Just kept going until he was kneeling by the bed and took his son's hand. "Who are you?" Zachary asked, staring at his father with wide confused eyes.

He just smiled at his son. "I'm your daddy."

"Really?"

"Yes, really."

Zachary still looked wary and he turned to look at his mother. "Mommy is he my daddy?"

Lisbon looked from Jane to Zachary, slightly bewildered. "Umm, Zachary this is all so complicated and…" she stopped when she looked at her son's hopeful eyes and something there made her decide not to lie. "Yes, Zachary. He's your daddy."

He turned his attention back to his newfound father. "Mommy said you left…and you weren't coming back."

"She thought that," Jane agreed, "but I am here. I'm here and I'm not going to leave."

That made Zachary very happy and his whole face lit up with a smile. "Mommy! Daddy is here!"

"I know," Lisbon said, smiling tightly. "And it's great. But Mommy is going to go talk to Daddy in the hallway for a minute. Okay?"

She grabbed his arm in a death grip making it clear that this was not a request. She pulled him into the hallway, her grip tightening until it was painful. "What the hell are you doing?" She hissed once they were out of earshot.

"What is best for our son."

"_Our_ son? Now you want him?"

"Of course I want him, he's my son."

"You said you couldn't do it." Lisbon reminded him angrily. "That you wouldn't be able to look at him without thinking about what we did."

Well there was no way he could deny that but he could tell her the truth. "I was wrong."

But Lisbon wasn't willing to accept that. "What if you change your mind? What if the guilt is too much and then you have to leave him. You will break his heart."

"Lisbon, I won't break his heart." He told her earnestly, "I can't break his heart. I..."

"No, you won't." Lisbon replied sharply, "I won't let you."

"I love him." Jane insisted, "I want to be his father. I deserve to be his father."

Lisbon just glared at him. "Don't tell me what you deserve. My son deserves better than this, better than someone who doesn't know what the hell he wants...and if you aren't sure then do not go back in there. Do not see him ever again."

"That isn't fair. I didn't know he existed until Rigsby let it drop that you had a son! Yes, our son deserves better. He deserved to know me but you were the selfish one and kept him away from me. Why? Because we both fucked up?"

"Selfish? _I _was the selfish one? What do you call a man who screws another woman while his wife and child are at home? Who rejects his son because he doesn't want to ruin his other family's memory? Selfish?" She was furious now, practically spitting nails. "Everything I have _ever_ done was to protect Zachary."

"It takes two to tango." He told her, "And I only rejected him because you told me to reject him. You don't want him to get hurt and I agree but you need to know that I won't hurt him."

"Don't put this on me. We both know who started this."

"Yes, you. You are the one that kissed me and the one who made the first move in the elevator."

"Oh right, I forced you to fuck me in the stairwell while your wife was at home."

"Is there a problem here?" Doctor Connelly asked. Neither one of them had heard him walk up; they had been too busy arguing over the past.

"No!" they said at the same time.

He studied both of them, like a principal at unruly children. "Then do you mind lowering your voices or do I need to have both of you removed?"

She shook her head quickly. "No sir, we will be perfectly calm. It's just a little...dispute."

"Little?" Jane huffed.

Dr. Connelly still looked unsure. Finally he just nodded and made his way down the hall to check on another patient and get away from the two shouting parents.

Lisbon watched him go feeling like a complete idiot. "Did I just mention you screwing me in the stairwell in front of my son's doctor?"

"Yeah." Jane said, he was a little amused by all of this. "Maybe we should seek some help."

She groaned and leaned back against the wall. "We are terrible people. I mean I knew that before, since we lied, cheated and basically broke every commandment in the book but...but we do not deserve that kid in there."

"Maybe," Jane agreed. There really was no denying how screwed up everything was. "But he is our son. _Our_ son, and he deserves to have both of us in his life. He needs a father figure, you can't deny that."

No she couldn't. She saw it every day, heard it in his voice when he talked about his friends. She knew that she was a good mother…but a mother wasn't a father. "I just...I wish I knew for sure that you won't hurt him."

Jane looked her in the eyes. "Do you trust me?"

She decided to be honest. "No."

"Fair enough." Jane said nodding a little. "Then what can I do to gain your trust? To prove that I won't leave his side."

She shook her head. "I don't know if there is any one thing you can do."

"What is it that you want from me?"

"I don't know," She admitted, " I...I just... it's going to take time. A lot of time."

"Time?" Jane asked and when she nodded he looked at her seriously. "I can give you time if that is what you want. I'm not going anywhere."

"We'll see."

"What does that mean?"

"It means I'm not going to trust you until you earn it." Lisbon explained. And you'll have to figure out how much you want from this. The important thing here is Zachary, keeping him from being hurt. Right now he's confused because his father is suddenly here and he doesn't know what it all means. We need to take this very, very slow."

"I know I want him, there are no doubts there." Jane told her, "But earning your trust I'm not sure I can. However, I will do my best to gain it. I want to be in Zachary life and if that means proving myself to you then you got my promise that I will."

She slowly nodded her head. "All right, that's all either one of us can do."

He breathed a sigh of relief and caught her eye. "Can I see him?"

Lisbon hesitated, unsure over whether to say yes or no. Finally she said, "Tomorrow. He needs to rest and…and I probably have to answer some of his questions."

"All right. You will call if something happens, right?"

That was easy enough. "Sure."

He smiled at her, the first one she'd ever seen of him in peace. "Thank you, Teresa. Thank you for letting me see him."

"All right," She replied, she couldn't really agree with his sentiment, not when she wasn't sure if it would bode for good or ill. But she could do one thing. "...Thanks for driving me here and being so calm. Thanks."

"Always." He told her and she knew he meant it.

Lisbon nodded again and slowly walked back into the room, closing the door and separating father and son for the time being. But the separation would only be temporary, Jane was going to ensure of it.

* * *

><p><em>The sheets in the hotel room were sinfully soft, a perfect compliment to their sinful actions but that was better considered at a different time. But she loved these kinds of moments when they would just lie together on the bed, talking about nonsense or personal things, it made her feel like this was something real.<em>

_ "Now will you admit that this is a much nicer way to live?" Jane asked, running a fingertip up and down one arm._

_ "I'll admit that these sheets are amazing," Lisbon told him, "and I'm rather partial to the shower."_

_ That wicked look in his eye made her shiver and she was eager to find out if a round three was in the cards. But the sound of Jane's phone ringing interrupted the mood, with a heavy sigh he reached for his phone and she knew immediately from the look in his eyes that it was his wife. He hesitated briefly before finally answering the phone, not looking at her at all. She couldn't really blame him._

_ "Hey," Jane said into the phone, "yeah I'm just with a client."_

_ Another lie in a string of them._

_ Her gut was twisting into something painful as the phone call continued. "Yes I'll be home in time for dinner, but I have plans tomorrow night."_

_ Were those with her? God why was she sitting here hoping for crumbs like a dog at a table? She couldn't sit there anymore and listen to a man talk to his wife while in bed with another woman, even if she was that other woman. Lisbon got out of bed, grabbing one of the plush robes that the hotel provided before stepping out onto the balcony._

_ The salty air was invigorating and the view breathtaking but neither really helped with her feelings. How had she gotten into this situation? She had never thought she would be one of _those_ women, sleeping with a married man. She had seen them numerous times in her job, the stupid foolish girl who waited at home until he deigned to come around. But was it like that? She wasn't fooling herself either, she didn't want or expect Jane to leave his wife, she wasn't being lied to either. She was just doing this because she couldn't seem to help herself and Jane admitted he felt the same way._

_ Maybe it was a connection, something incredibly strong that was impossible to break. Maybe things were supposed to be this way by design._

_ Sure, that was it; God wanted her to be having an affair. Who cared about the 'Thou shalt not commit adultery' clause in the Ten Commandments?_

_ The guilt of being a mistress was intense and by all rights it should be enough to make her end it all…then why wasn't it? Why was she still here, standing on the balcony of a hotel room he was paying for? Was she so weak that she would give in to her baser emotions?_

_ Or maybe there really was something here. Something that drew her to him. Maybe things would be different if they had met at a different time, under different circumstances._

_ She knew that all of the maybes and if onlys were pointless though, she wasn't in that alternate reality, she was in this one where Patrick Jane was a married man and she was having an affair with him. This was going to end badly, she could feel it._

_ Lisbon was still looking out at the ocean when he came up to her, wrapping his arms around her waist. "You okay?" he asked, his voice soft in her ear._

_ His tender concern, it was enough to make her almost forget everything. Almost as if he really was hers. She nodded, lying to him and to herself. "I'm fine. So you'll have to leave soon?"_

_ "Probably," Jane admitted._

_ "Then we better make the most of it," she told him, backing him up into the room._

_ That was it. Sex was the best thing to make them both forget the guilt and shame over what they were doing, after all in those moments all they could think about was the connection they felt and not the wrong that was being done._

_ If only it could stay like that._

* * *

><p>AN: Yay Jane! He's finally pushing to be a part of Zachary's life! It's a big step in a road towards redemption and they both sorely need it. Of course they have to be aware of the complications, the more involved Jane is with Zachary the more likely it is that their secret will come out.


	8. Unbreakable Bonds

Disclaimer: I own nothing

A/N: After the marathon of updating Hope I never forgot about this fic, I was ready to share more of Jane and Zachary and that is exactly what I have done! I hope you guys love Jane and Zachary together as much as I do, as well as enjoying some of the flashbacks that show how difficult their affair truly was. It's going to be intense.

* * *

><p>Chapter 8: Unbreakable Bonds<p>

Lisbon was clearly surprised when Jane showed up in the early afternoon, opening the door quickly with raised eyebrows. "You came."

"I said I would," Jane reminded her, not pushing her on her doubts, just wanting to get inside of her house so he could start about putting together their lives again.

She shut the door behind him, clearly a bit unsettled by this but she did her best to hide it. "Uh, we've been taking it easy today. Cartoons and quiet time in bed," she explained simply, "he's been a little tired since they didn't let him sleep much at the hospital but he's doing all right."

"Good," Jane said, "Can I see him?"

Again she wasn't ready for that request but she recovered. "Sure," her voice was a little high. She was nervous about Jane being in Zachary's life, not when she had no idea if this was a good idea or not. They had spent the past six years trying to pretend their affair hadn't happened, now they were going to be pushed together once more because of it.

Lisbon led him up the stairs and down the short hallway to one closed door. Inside was a slightly messy room obviously done up for a little boy who had a penchant for space. His bedspread had stars, planets and rocket ships designed on it. One wall behind his bed was painted dark blue that complimented it with glow in the dark stars, a space ship and more planets. He wondered who was responsible for that since he knew Lisbon's talents didn't lie in that area.

But the most beautiful part of the room was the little boy sitting up in the bed; he was wearing pajamas and had a small pile of army men in his lap. He was engrossed with them, making noises to mimic a warzone.

"Zachary," Lisbon called softly, "Look who's here."

He tore his eyes away from his toys and immediately lit up when she saw his father. "Daddy!"

That one word was enough to trip his heart; he remembered how Charlotte used to call him that with the same look of adoration in her eyes. They actually looked a lot alike; it shouldn't have been surprising since they were both his children. But Jane was still taken aback a bit by the resemblance, it hurt a little, there was no denying that. But mostly he felt better, like something he had been missing was finally put back into place.

Zachary was unaware of his father's complicated feelings on his existence. The boy was just happy that the father he'd hoped for all of his life was finally there. He scrambled out of the bed but his mother was quick to stop him.

"Zachary, you're supposed to be resting," Lisbon warned him.

The little boy contritely slipped back into the bed. "But Daddy is here."

"Well he doesn't have to stay in the door way," she replied, turning to give a pointed look at Jane.

That spurred him to stop analyzing this situation and actually step into the room. "Hello, Zachary," he said, taking a risk and sitting down on his bed. He was surprised when Zachary sat up and wrapped his little arms around him. Jane returned his hug, enjoying the smell of his hair and the knowledge that he was once more holding his own child.

"Mommy said you might not come."

Jane turned his head and eyed Lisbon who colored immediately. "I said I wasn't sure," she clarified, "anything could have happened."

Like him changing his mind but that idea had never occurred to him. He turned back to his son and smiled. "Well I came."

Zachary grinned happily as if this was Christmas morning. "Will you stay?"

"As long as your mother allows."

Lisbon nodded from across the room and soon recognized that Jane wanted that opportunity alone with his child. "All right, I'll be downstairs if you need anything." She stepped out of the room, leaving the door open just a crack.

Now father and son were alone for the first time and immediately was at a loss at what to say. He settled for a lame segue. "I see you like spaceships."

"Outer space is cool. Buzz Lightyear is there! He fights aliens!"

Jane smiled then at their similarities. "Like Luke Skywalker."

"Who's that?"

"You've never seen _Star Wars_?" His son shook his head. "Then we'll have to correct that. You'll love it, space ships and laser swords."

"Will you watch it with me?"

Jane felt a pang as he nodded his head. "I'd love to."

Zachary looked pleased with that, an assurance that he would see his father at least once more. Jane was feeling a bit more comfortable too; Zachary was very receptive to the idea of him being his father. All they had to do was get to know one another.

"I know your mother has been making you rest," Jane began, "that can't be fun."

He shook his head. "Mommy is mad I climbed the tree."

"She is more upset because you scared her," Jane explained, "but I'm sure you won't be doing that again."

"No!"

"Good," he grinned. Jane reached beside the bed where he'd placed the plastic bag he'd brought with him. The night before he'd found a local comic book store, knowing that entertainment would be needed for a little boy on bed rest. "I loved these when I was your age," Jane explained, pulling out three comic books. He'd gone for some classics, Iron Man, Superman and Batman. Something to whet Zachary appetite.

"Will I like them?" Zachary asked, running his fingers over the glossy covers.

"I think so," Jane told him, "you are my son after all." Zachary seemed to like being called his son almost as much as Jane liked saying it. "Let's find out," Jane offered.

Zachary scooted over on his bed so Jane could sit up against the headboard, both of them reclining comfortably. It didn't take long for the young boy to find out his father was right, he did enjoy watching superheroes come to life on the page.

They finished Superman defeating Lex Luthor's diabolical plans and Iron Man was attacking The Mandarin when Jane noticed that Zachary had fallen asleep against his side.

Jane put the comics down on the bedside table and gently tucked his son into the bed, pulling the covers up around him. He took a moment to drink in the sight of his child. Noting how his soft blond hair curled and that he had his mother's nose and chin. He really was beautiful, even more so now in person then any of the time he'd stared at his pictures.

Jane was quiet as he left the room, careful not to wake him. He made his way downstairs to seek out Zachary's mother. He found her sitting at the table in the breakfast nook, a cup of steaming tea in front of her. Her head was bent over the cup and she was toying with the tea bag, pulling it up and watching it fall back into the water with a plop. It was obvious that tea was the last thing on her mind.

"Zachary is asleep," Jane told her, announcing his presence.

She met his eyes. "Good, he needs more rest." Lisbon stayed where she was, awkwardly staring at him. Eventually she cleared her throat. "Would you like some tea?"

"Please," Jane said taking a seat across form hers. She hopped up and pulled a simple mug down from the cabinet. The water she'd boiled from before was still hot so she merely poured that into the cup and set another tea bag in it.

She set it in front of him and resumed her seat across from him. Jane took a sip of tea and looked at her amused. "Are we going to keep asking questions with our eyes or will we actually ask them aloud?"

"I don't have any questions," she told him, sipping her tea.

"Come on. How can you not?"

Lisbon put her tea down, done playing coy. "Fine. What is this?"

"This?"

"This. You coming over to see Zachary. What is it?"

Jane shrugged. "I thought we had this conversation at the hospital."

"And I thought you made your choice, two months ago." Lisbon replied, "You said you weren't sure you could be his father then. What has changed between you and now?"

"Time," Jane told her, "I've had time to process this without you browbeating me into making the choice you want."

"Excuse me?" She asked, bristling at his accusation.

"You never intended for me to be in Zachary's life," he reminded her.

"Yes I suppose showing up in Malibu with your love child was exactly what your wife needed to see," Lisbon shot back.

Jane shook his head. "Stop hiding behind that excuse. You weren't keeping Zachary from me to protect my marriage. You did it to protect yourself."

Lisbon scoffed at that idea. "As if you wanted that phone call six years ago."

"While I may not have been hoping you would call me up to tell me you were pregnant, don't assume I would have abandoned you either."

"Then what? Would you have told your wife or kept us hidden?"

Jane was silent now; it was impossible to truly know now that the opportunity was gone. He knew what he would have liked to have done, but it was hard to say if he would have done the brave thing or not. "I don't know what I would have done, but you should have given me a chance."

She shook her head but he quickly cut her off. "I know why you did it, you were afraid. Afraid to be rejected and afraid that you wouldn't be able to escape me. You were also ashamed, single motherhood was certainly preferable then being the other woman. You could just pretend I left, that there wasn't anything more than that. But none of this stemmed from your desire to help me, if it had you would have told me the day I walked into the CBI."

Lisbon eyed him carefully. "Why would you want him? You hate yourself because of what happened."

"You were there," Jane pointed out, "and you love him."

"But you blame yourself for your family's deaths?"

"Our affair didn't cause their deaths," Jane explained, "Yes I'm ashamed I cheated on my wife and betrayed my family. But even if I hadn't, they would still be gone. Not having an affair with you wouldn't have stopped me from going on television and lying about Red John. We'd be in the same place we are now, just without Zachary." He smiled now. "You can't deny the world is a far better place with him."

Lisbon did nod, too stunned by his speech to say anything. It was overwhelming to have him say such wonderful things about her child even when he admitted that the circumstances surrounding his birth were far from ideal.

"So…you can do this?" Lisbon asked, "Even though you would be loving a child from the woman you cheated with?"

"Zachary is my family too, regardless of how he came to be. He is my child, I want to be in his life."

Lisbon studied him carefully, taking in his words and trying to decide if she should believe him or not. Finally her posture relaxed a little. "All right. We'll find a way to make this work."

He smiled, satisfied that they had come to that agreement. They were both quiet again for a short while before she said; "I want to keep this between ourselves."

He raised his eyebrows. "I'm not going to lie about our son."

"I'm not saying you do that," she told him. "But for now we are still trying to figure this out. We need time before we let everyone know that we had an affair six years ago."

Jane grimaced. He honestly wasn't looking forward to that either. He could understand her desire to put it off as long as possible. "Fair enough."

"And Zachary is too young," she pointed out very quickly. "Eventually he will have to be told but right now all he needs to know is that you couldn't be with him before, but you are now."

Jane nodded. "Agreed." He leaned back at least content with their decision so far. "Can I come and see him this Saturday?"

Lisbon thought for a moment and then nodded her head. "Okay."

"Thank you."

"We'll have to take it slow but Zachary really wants to know you," she told him, "you were all he's been talking about today."

"Well you've done a good job with him, even if you were remiss in introducing him to _Star Wars_."

She was caught off guard for a moment then rolled her eyes. "I'm sure you'll correct that oversight."

"Right away."

Lisbon smiled a little. "Something tells me you are looking forward to that."

"I am," Jane answered honestly.

* * *

><p>It was the truth. He knew their choices six years ago had been reprehensible and wrong but he had no idea how they had become some lucky to have Zachary come from it. He knew Lisbon would say it was all a plan by God, while he couldn't share those beliefs he wasn't going to turn down the gift life had granted him. Even if he didn't deserve it.<p>

_Patrick insisted on taking her to a sushi place for lunch after her workshop had ended for the day. She was happy to see that here were no prices on the menu; she honestly didn't want to know how much the food cost. She had never had sushi from a place like this, she was used to checking the expiration date before deciding whether or not to get them._

_ He seemed quite at ease but then again she had a feeling that this man could change his colors quite easily, fitting in at a five star restaurant or a greasy diner. She was the fish out of water here. Still, it wasn't such a bad thing being spoiled, she rather enjoyed it herself._

_ "So," Patrick began in between their bites of Rainbow and Spider rolls of sushi. "Now that your workshop is finished, what other plans do you have?"_

_ "The conference goes on for another two days," Lisbon explained, "They have lecture series that should be interesting."_

_ "And here I was thinking you would spend some time on our beautiful beaches."_

_ "I am here for business reasons."_

_ "And is that why everyone is here?" Jane asked, "_strictly_ professional reasons? No one is taking a trip to Disneyland or walking down Hollywood Boulevard?"_

_ She blushed and looked down at her plate, smiling a little. "All right, I'll admit, everyone is finding a way to turn this into a mini-vacation."_

_ "Then there is no reason you shouldn't also."_

_ "What do you have in mind?"_

_ Jane studied her for a moment, pondering the question. "Well, do you have anything pressing tomorrow?"_

_ She should say no, professionally and personally for many reasons. But she was very bad with saying 'no' to him. So she shook her head and he smiled. "Well then, we'll go to the beach tomorrow and I'll teach you to surf."_

_ The words 'beach' and 'surf' were two words that didn't really go well with her. "I can't surf."_

_ "Hence why I'm going to teach you."_

_ "I don't have a swimsuit."_

_ Now he really grinned. "We can go pick one out now."_

_ This time she did shake her head in protest. "No, if you picked it out it would be an over expensive scrap of material on a string." The wolfish grin on his face confirmed her prediction. "I'll pick out my own tonight, then you can pick me up tomorrow."_

_ "I was so looking forward to you in a bikini."_

_ "Who said I wouldn't buy one?"_

_ And just like that, his wolfish grin returned._

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_ The next day Lisbon found herself on the beach, the wide expanse of ocean all around her while Patrick showed her all of the finer attributes to a surfboard. She had given him the surprise by wearing a bikini that morning but she was proud that it was one she purchased for herself at a reasonable price for her modest budget._

_ Now she had to figure out how to somehow balance on a foam board in the ocean. That was something she honestly had no idea was even possible, let alone able to be accomplished by her. But Patrick seemed sure she would be able to do it and as odd as it seemed, she did trust him._

_ He explained how to paddle out, waiting for the wave, "popping out" once she caught it. But the only way to actually learn was with practice. So soon enough they were both paddling out._

_ The day was warm but the beach wasn't very populated, it was a good day to try new things. There they practiced a bit more with Lisbon getting a real feel of how to lie on the surfboard, how to sit up and feel when a wave was coming from behind. Then she sat back and watched Jane do it._

_ He was amazing, like a blond Hawaiian god. It was no wonder women would gladly throw themselves at him, an Adonis in his own right but he made everything seem effortless. He seemed to really find himself on the water too, like he felt at peace here._

_ When he came back he announced it was her turn to try. But the next wave came and just passed right from under her. The next one she attempted it and almost had it but wound up falling off within a moment. She came up laughing, but determined to try again. She'd been so close!_

_ This time she waited, feeling it like Jane said she should. Then when he told her that this was the right one she was ready. She started paddling forward as soon as the wave caught her and her heart raced as her board steadied. Then it just kept going._

_ Holy cow! She was actually doing it!_

_ Lisbon carefully rose up onto her knees, too afraid to actually try standing on the board but this was enough. It was exhilarating and exciting!_

_ The board wobbled and she fell off but for a little while she had actually been doing it! Maybe she hadn't made it all the way to the shore but she'd actually surfed for a minuet._

_ She paddled back out to where Patrick was waiting with a smile on his face._

_ "Great start," he told her honestly. "Now, lets see you do that again."_

* * *

><p>It was Saturday morning, a day normally reserved for cartoons and laundry; Lisbon used the weekends partly to catch up on housework as well as some real time with her son. She loved the weeks when she wasn't on call; it meant she was certain to be able to hole up with Zachary for the weekend. But this week had been different, for one, Zachary's father had made a sudden reappearance into his life and Jane insisted that it was a permanent one.<p>

She would admit that things had changed, at least at the office. Jane asked her every day how Zachary was doing, even calling him "our son" in private. It startled her but it wasn't a bad thing either. That was something she was coming around to, admitting that Jane being with them was a good thing.

It wasn't easy.

For six years she had drilled it into her head and heart that it was for the best that Jane was away from Zachary. He had a family, a family that didn't need to be broken up because she had a son. That was her mantra for a while. And then after Jane lost his family and started working with her…well she told herself that he wasn't ready to be a father, and he'd agreed with her at first.

His accusation that she wasn't doing this to protect Zachary stuck with her. At first she was still insistent that it wasn't true, that protecting Zachary was the only thing she thought about. But the more she thought about it, the more she saw some reason behind his logic. If protecting Zachary was the only thing she cared about then why did she keep pushing Jane away even when her son was begging for any information on his father?

Now the ball firmly rested in Jane's court, if he wanted to actually be a father to Zachary then she was out of excuses to stop him. It was time to hope and pray that this was the best thing for everyone.

She had finished with the breakfast dishes and was putting the colors in the dryer with the whites in the wash when there was a knock on their door. Lisbon hurried down the hall to answer, since the "stranger danger" talk with Zachary he hadn't wanted to answer the door since. Lisbon was surprised to find Jane on the other side, but only mildly. "Are you here to see Zachary?"

"And correcting a great wrong," Jane told her before holding aloft the whole collection of _Star Wars_ DVDs."

She rolled her eyes. "All right, fine, this should be interesting."

Lisbon led Jane to the living room where Zachary was sitting on the floor, legs in the air while he played with some army men, only mildly interested in his cartoons. "Zach," Lisbon said to get his attention, "your daddy is here."

In a flash, Zachary had abandoned his toys to hurry over to his father. He wrapped his arms around his legs tightly, "You came back."

"Of course I did," Jane told him, "Did I say you'd be seeing a lot of me from now on?" Jane knelt down so he could hold his son in his arms; Lisbon had a feeling that was the most important thing to him, holding his child. "Besides," Jane continued, "I promised we would watch _Star Wars_!"

"Really?"

"Yep," Jane said showing him the DVDs, "And we are going to make sure we watch all of them."

Now it was Lisbon's turn to be skeptical. "Really? All six?"

"We'll start with the originals," Jane assured her, "They are the ones that truly count."

Still, three movies was a lot for one day.

But Zachary was enthusiastic. "All right!"

"It'll be fun," Jane told them, "We can order a pizza and enjoy the pinnacle of science fiction."

Lisbon wasn't quite as enthused, she liked a good movie but she wasn't sure how much fun it would be trying to have her five year old sit still for 7 hours, longer if Jane tried to bring in the prequals.

Still never let it be said she was against father/son bonding time. She took a seat on the couch with Zachary in between his parents when the opening title began. She peeked over to see that Zachary was already amazed, just as any young boy would be at the testosterone-filled goodness of _Star Wars_. She caught Jane's eyes as he was doing the same thing as she was and they both shared a smile.

Well this might be fun.

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Lisbon wasn't wrong about it being fun; Jane was adorable trying to pretend he wasn't a fanboy when he totally was. She caught him mouthing out "Rebel Five standing by" and quoting along with the movie more than once. But the real fun was watching Zachary fall head over heels in love with the series.

He would stare at the screen intently, his eyes widened with joy with every fight. Anytime the lightsabers came out he would get really excited, adoring every crack with the laser swords. More than once he just exclaimed how "cool" something was, be it a gunfight, Luke racing through the Death Star with Leia or when Luke managed to blow up the Death Star using the Force.

Oh yes, she knew that she was going to have to invest in all things _Star Wars_ soon.

They took a break between _A New Hope_ and _The Empire Strikes Back_, to enjoy pizza and icecream, which was Zachary's favorite meal for sure. Then it was back to watching the movies for as long as they could.

She made it halfway through _Return of the Jedi_, but didn't remember anything after that until she woke up early in the morning. It was still dark out but the digital readout on the cable box said it was six in the morning.

With a groan she got off the couch, Zachary's feet were in her lap and his head was curled up on a pillow next to his father. Jane was asleep too, what was unusual was that he was sitting up and asleep on the couch as opposed to lying down and napping.

Lisbon couldn't help but smile, it was so easy to see how alike they looked, there was no denying they were father and son, not when they were together.

She hurried over to the kitchen to make some coffee and see if there was something easy she could scrounge up for breakfast. She had just put the grounds in the maker and turned around, only to jump when Jane appeared behind her. "Sorry," Jane said with a smile, "didn't mean to startle you, guess you Jedi instincts didn't kick in."

"Funny, very funny," she remarked wryly.

"You tried admirably," Jane told her, "But you fell asleep first, Zachary lasted about ten minutes longer."

"And you?"

"I lasted through the whole thing of course," Jane told her, "You know I don't sleep."

"Sure you do, I watch you sleep on your couch all of the time."

He grinned then. "Not quite the same thing but I'll concede that point."

She rolled her eyes and found a box of cinnamon rolls in the fridge that could be baked. More sugar wasn't exactly what Zachary needed but she didn't feel like cooking anyways.

"I should be angry with you," Lisbon told you, "You do realize you've created a monster right?"

Jane shrugged. "I'm not going to feel sorry for it."

"You should be. He's going to be wrapping a brown sheet around him and swinging a broomstick around for days."

"Only until I get him his own lightsaber."

She shook her head with a grin. "It's going to be chaos, all he'll talk about is _Star Wars_, it's going to be _Ninja Turtles_ all over again. I'm not sure how I'll survive this now."

"You'll be fine," Jane assured her, "I'll be here to help."

Lisbon eyed him seriously. "Will you?"

"I thought we discussed this already," Jane replied, "I told you that I wasn't going anywhere, that I was going to just walk away from Zachary, he's my son."

"I'm just not sure if it is going to be as easy as you say," Lisbon told him, "What's going to happen when the guilt comes back? How will you be able to be a father to Zachary at the same time?"

"You think I've stopped feeling guilty?" Jane asked her, "You're wrong, that's never left. But I felt worse when I wasn't in Zachary's life; I was failing _both_ of my children. I can't live like that again."

She studied him as he spoke, taking in what he was saying. She hadn't thought that he would feel guilty over not being in Zachary's life, she could understand how it was better for him to stay with them…it meant he felt like he was doing something right. But that didn't help her concerns. "I'm worried you will hurt him."

"Well there isn't a way for me assure you that won't happen except time," Jane explained, "You have to give me time with him to prove to you that I won't hurt him, or you."

The 'or you', struck her. So he still believed this was actually about _her_. And maybe he was right, but her concerns weren't wrong either. "All right, we'll keep up with this. You coming over to see Zachary and all. But we still want to keep this private, as long as possible."

"You want avoid everyone finding out I'm his father, thereby our affair."

"Do you want to have that conversation with Minelli? Or the team?"

"Nope," Jane said, "I'd love to avoid it as long as possible myself."

She actually laughed a little at that. "Well at least we are in agreement there."

Jane nodded but then he sighed. "It won't last forever, eventually it's going to come out."

"I know," Lisbon said, "And I'm dreading it."

"So am I."

"We have to shield Zachary from it," Lisbon told him, "as much as possible."

"We will," Jane agreed, "And we'll do it _together_."

Together.

That was a hard word to swallow again. But he was right, she couldn't handle all of this by herself and Jane was a master at hiding things. Maybe they could make this work. It just wasn't going to be easy.

But easy wasn't in the cards anymore.

* * *

><p><em>They continued to attempt to ride the waves for a while before Patrick declared that they should go back to the shore if only so she didn't burn up. She agreed because he was right, if she wasn't careful then her fair skin would turn bright red and there was nothing sexy about a sunburn.<em>

_ Their towels were waiting for them underneath the umbrella a few feet from where the waves were lapping on the shore. Patrick reached it first and he grabbed one of the towels to sling around him, she came padding up right after him. "You look like Aphrodite stepping out of the sea," he told her._

_ She grinned at that line; it touched her of course, like most sappy romantic lines would. Patrick wrapped a towel around her and began to vigorously rub her down, his gaze almost lecherous. She leaned in to kiss him but he pulled back, suddenly his gaze became dark._

_ "Patrick Jane?" Lisbon whirled around to see a middle aged woman wearing an obviously expensive one piece with matching sarong, hat and sandals. Her diamond jewelry was blinding in the sunlight and Lisbon knew she came to the beach to be seen, not to enjoy the waves._

_ Instead they'd been the ones spotted._

_ "Edith," Jane said calmly, "what a surprise to see you here."_

_ "Yes," she said reluctantly, she was eying Lisbon up and down not even trying to hide her disapproval. Lisbon knew she was screwed._

_ But Jane still seemed at ease, he was looking into Edith's eyes and even put a comforting hand on her shoulder. "It is a nice day isn't it, it's wonderful to come here and just hear the sounds of the ocean crashing, a steady, calming sound. That's how it makes you feel, calm."_

_ Lisbon stared at him, completely at a loss as to what was happening. But Edith's smug look had faded into a blank stare._

_ "Good," Jane said, "now when I count to ten you are going to go back to your spot of the beach and forget that we were here, nothing happened, you just took a walk on the beach and went back and saw no one you recognized. 1…2…3…"_

_ She stood there in awe as he finished counting and as soon as he said the number 10, Edith turned right around and walked away without a word. Lisbon stared after her for several moments, taking it all in. Then she burst. "What the hell?"_

_ "That was a close one," Patrick said, misinterpreting her statement._

_ "Did you just _hypnotize_ her?"_

_ "Is that what is upsetting you? That I fixed this?"_

_ She shook her head in disbelief. "We are idiots?"_

_ "Why?"_

_ "Why? Did you not see what just happened? Some woman caught us together and you…you used your Houdini tricks to fix it!"_

_ "Houdini was an escape artist," Jane reminded her, "not a hypnotist."_

_ "Shut up!" Lisbon replied, "We are still so incredibly stupid for thinking we can pull this off especially here! I should have never come here with you. Hell, I should have never called you. That could have been your wife! Then what would you have done? Lie, hypnotize? Told the truth that you have a mistress?"_

_ Jane's expression was stormy, like a turbulent hurricane beating on the shore. "Why do you think you're the only one with guilt?"_

_ "Then why are you here?"_

_ "Because right now you're the only thing that makes me feel _something."

_ She was stunned by that statement, more than anything Jane had ever said to her before. He sighed and ran a hand through his hair. "I'm sorry—." He started._

_ "No," Lisbon said quickly, "I overreacted."_

_ He pulled her into his arms and she gladly folded herself against his body. "This isn't a mistake," Jane told her._

_ But she knew that was a lie. But sometimes…sometimes she almost believed it was true._

* * *

><p>AN: I loved this chapter but I can't wait for the next one as Jane and Lisbon get found out for the first time in the present! And the worst part is that they are in trouble of Zachary finding out the truth as well...


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